Noted superhero The Incredible Hulk reportedly has been named in a federal affidavit detailing alleged steroid use.

Attorneys for the comic book icon — best known for his bright green skin, bulging musculature and brooding, surly disposition — released a statement saying the Hulk has vowed to pulverize the face and skull of anyone accusing him of steroids.

The Hulk has repeatedly denied using illegal substances, attributing his overdeveloped physique to a “laboratory accident” involving exposure to “gamma rays.”

50
Cent introduces 50 Scent

Imagine the dangerous aroma of a freshly fired
9 milimeter semiautomatic handgun.

Blend in the rich, bling-tastic bouquet of
a burlap sack stuffed with $100 bills.

Now add an audaciously naughty whiff of skanky
ghetto gold-digger.

Introducing 50 Scent — a gangsta-licious
new fragrance created by platinum-toothed rap mogul 50 Cent.

(See poster version)

Just dab some on your neck, behind your ear
and all up in your junk to drive the ladies wild.

Or slather some upside those unsightly drive-by
scars to make old wounds sizzle with brutish sensuality.

50 Scent: Manufacturer’s suggested retail
price: 50 Dollar

Republican
presidential hopeful Mitt Romney is denying allegations
that he is a robotic humanoid with Teflon hair made in China
by the Koch brothers.

Unlike traditional human politicians, the
Romney is wired to calibrate its positions based solely
on political expediency — suffering no moral compunction
about switching from a pro-choice stance to gain election
as governor of Massachusetts to fervently pro-life as the
front-running Republican cyborg in the 2012 presidential
race.

The strapping, kevlar politician — whose
“face” is said to be molded from a top-secret,
space-age polymer — has been dogged by allegations that
he is a plastic opportunist ever since a 2007 Concord Monitor
editorial branded him a raging, hypocritical “phony.”

But experts say it’ll take more than a little
Romneycare scandal to derail the Mitt, which has carved
out a front-runner spot in the 2012 race by disguising itself
as a pandering corporate confidence man.

#
# #

Romney
should not be the next president   (Concord
Monitor, Dec. 22, 2007)
Mitt
has a dream    (Humor Gazette, Dec.
30, 2007)

# # #

Study
shows alcohol effective in combating sobriety
Libyan
protesters demand resignation of Gadhafi, Khadafi, Qadhafi
and Khaddaffi

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Libyan protesters demand ouster of Gadhafi, Khadafi, Qadhafi and Khaddaffi

Libyan crazy man Moammar Gadhafi is reportedly
"going ballistic" as protesters call for an end
to his four-decade reign.

Col. Qaddafi, whose name is routinely spelled
Gaddafi, Kadhafi, Qadhaffi, Khaddafi and countless other
variations in media reports, is not only a ruthless despot
— he’s also a raving schizophrenic, with at least one outlandish
personality for each spelling of his name.

Sources describe him as "a real dictator’s
dictator" with a fondness for mustard gas, donkey prostitutes
and human oppression. A defiant Khaduffy has vowed to remain
in power — pledging to govern his people to death if necessary.
His vow to battle protesters to the "last drop of blood"
(theirs, not his obviously) sent the price of blood spiking
to over $100 a barrel.   (MORE)

Stupid
brat, 3, destroys
Watson supercomputer
at Candy Land

The Watson supercomputer that dominated its human competition
on the quiz show "Jeopardy" has been humiliated
by dimwitted 3-year-old Massachusetts boy.

Locked in an epic game of Candy Land, little Jimmy Murphy
was losing badly to the IBM supercomputer when he employed
a uniquely human strategy — a temper tantrum — to vanquish
his soulless rival.   (MORE)