Cat
burglar still at large

By John Breneman

A reputed cat burglar charged with stealing small fuzzy toys
from downtown condos eluded police for a third straight day
by leaping over two cruisers and a SWAT team.

The felonious feline is accused of amassing nearly $60 worth
of colorful playthings in a four-month crime spree with animal
control officers hot on his tail. Known by the alias "Elwood,"
he is also a suspect in the disappearance of several dozen
cocktail shrimp from a local restaurant.

Last night two officers had the wily puss cornered in an
alley off Market Street, but bonked their heads together and
fell down when they tried to pounce.

A witness reported seeing a cat matching its description
snatch $300 from a drug dealer and give it to an orphan, and
police believe some residents may be abetting the suspect
with shelter and fire escape feasts of fine North Atlantic
salmon.

Paw prints were found at the scene of one recent fish market
cat burglary and police say the furry, pointy-eared fugitive
may also be responsible for an alarming 23% decrease in the
local rodent population.