Capitalist
piggy banks

NEW YORK — Stocks, bonds, T-Bills and mutual funds continued
their decline today as Wall Street reeled from an unprecedented
surge of investment in piggy banks.

Leading analysts interpret this as a sign that investors
have finally figured out that the stock market is a gigantic
sham and therefore are opting to horde their money in colorful
pig-shaped receptacles made of plastic and ceramics.

"People now realize that most high-finance executives
are greedy swine and that the market can no longer be counted
upon to ‘bring home the bacon,’" said Bubba Pennington
of John Hamcock Financial Services. "They’d rather slip
their hard-earned money into piggy banks than slop it into
the corporate feeding trough."

Brown-chip stocks and pork futures also rose sharply, with
brisk trading of Piggly Wiggly, MicroSty and Tenderloin Technologies.

But shares of AOL Time Warthog continued to plummet amid
frenzied activity on the trading floor, where Wall Street
brokers wallowed in discarded slips of paper while squealing
like scared little capitalist piglets.