Big
Bird quarantined for avian flu

By
John Breneman

The Sesame Street Journal is reporting that PBS superstar
Big Bird has been quarantined as a possible carrier of the
deadly and horrifying avian flu.

Also wanted for questioning by the U.S. government — the
international chicken kingpin, Col. Harlan Sanders of Kentucky.

To help people avoid being slain by the impending $800 billion
pandemic, the U.S. Department of Death Prevention has issued
a pamphlet entitled "Facts & Myths About the Deadly
and Horrifying Bird Flu Pandemic."

The following activities may increase your risk of exposure
to avian flu:
— slaughtering chickens
— consuming tainted Eggs Benedict
— getting crapped on by an infected pigeon
— guzzling Grey Goose vodka
— sharing a needle with a heroin-addicted penguin
— administering mouth-to-beak resuscitation to a wounded
fighting cock
— unprotected sex with an H5N1-positive ostrich

The following activities probably DO NOT cause bird flu:

— canoodling with a parakeet
— sitting on a toilet seat at Kentucky Fried Chicken
— consuming Chicken of the Sea brand tuna
— shaking hands with NBA legend Larry Bird
— boning a chicken breast
— getting nailed by a woodpecker
— flamingo dancing
— unprotected sex with NBA legend Larry Bird

The following are tell-tale symptoms that you may have
contracted bird flu:
— a sudden craving for earthworms and seeds
— involuntary chirping
— twitching or "flapping" of the arms
— an unexplainable desire to pack your sleeping area with
twigs and pine needles

This just in: To avoid any risk of wiping out the entire
U.S. population, Thanksgiving and Easter are being canceled
until further notice. As for the economic impact, leading
financial ornithologists recommend investing in pork futures.

One final note: Avoid hummingbirds.

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