God
announces plan to
cut non-essential humans

By John Breneman

Citing a burgeoning, unruly populace and dwindling natural
resources, God today unveiled a plan to streamline the operations
of Planet Earth Inc. by eliminating an estimated 30 million
positions.

A PR spokesman for the Lord said He is "sick and tired"
of humans abusing His bountiful creation and breaking all
Ten Commandments as if they weren’t even etched in stone.

"’Thou shalt not kill’ just doesn’t resonate with the
modern generation today," said Ward O’DeLord. "We’re
thinking of changing it to, ‘Don’t friggin’ kill each other
you morons.’"

Man’s self-destructive behavior, it seems, has put the Heavenly
Bossman in a smiting mood.

"The hurricanes are just the beginning. The Big Guy
just goes like this," said DeLord, pursing his lips and
blowing a puff of air. "Oh, there’s gonna be tsunamis,
pestilence, 40 days and 40 nights of monsoon acid rain. He’s
considering a Category 5 locust infestation on Wall Street."

A source close to God’s assistant undersecretary for human
affairs said certain categories of people are targeted to
receive a lightning bolt in the ass, among them psychopaths,
pedophile priests and terrorist
nimrods. As part of the downsizing, arrogant politicians
and corporate criminals around the world will be getting the
old cardiac pink slip.

The Celestial Enquirer is reporting that the Omniscient One’s
long-term vision calls for a United Nations-like governmental
and economic agency led by a bipartisan coalition of chimps
and dolphins.