Al Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of
dung

By
John Breneman

FBI forensic analysts have confirmed that the speaker in
a videotaped
message warning of more terrorist attacks is Ayman
al-Zawahiri, though in the footage seen around the
world on Thursday it is nearly impossible to distinguish him
from a steaming blob of camel excrement.

"That’s why they call him al Qaeda’s ‘number-two man’
— because he’s a cowardly piece of (bleep)," said FBI
spokesman John Doe, adding that one longtime agent also recognized
several of the maggots that have been hiding in Zawahiri’s
beard since the mid-1970s.

In a pro wrestling-style rant broadcast on the Arabic television
station Al Jazeera, Zawahiri (also known as "The Grand
Fuqwad") angrily jabs his finger at the camera to show
what a tough guy he is while threatening to have his loose
affiliation of brainwashed
morons blow up more innocent people.

But just who is Ayman
al-Zawahiri?

Longtime acquaintances describe him as a "#$%&@#$%*&"
perhaps best known for emitting a sulfurous stench powerful
enough to subdue foes and fellow jihadists alike.

The son of a Jalalabad opium ho named Fatima and a semi-professional
goat sodomizer named Ahab, Zawahiri left home at age 7 after
his mother beat the crap out of him for decapitating his pet
kitten, Infidel.

He declared his first fatwa at age 12, unsuccessfully trying
to invoke the wrath of Allah against a schoolmate
who flushed his head in the toilet and soiled his favorite
"America blows" turban. Sources describe the young
Zawahiri as a 98-pound weakling frequently humiliated by older
future-terorrist boys fond of kicking desert sand in his face.

After serving a brief prison stint for raping a hyena, Zawahiri
found he couldn’t cut it as an outhouse maintenance technician,
so he decided to become a terrorist and spit in Allah’s face
by murdering people in his name.

In a 1982 manifesto he wrote, "Terrorism helps me forget
that Allah really gave me a bum deal when he was handing out
male reproductive equipment."

Now 54, Zawahiri met Osama
bin Laden in Afghanistan in the mid-1980s and quickly
gained access to his inner circle by allowing the lusty terror
kingpin to have his way with Zawahiri’s best-looking goat.

Unfortunately the new videotape revealed no clue as to his
whereabouts, according to the FBI spokesman, who noted that
the elusive, sheep-loving Fuqwad is constantly "on the
lamb."