Martha
Stewart to introduce
stylish line of ankle bracelets

By John Breneman

Inmate #55170-054 (aka Martha Stewart) busted out of the
Big House today and is now holed up at her $16 million mansion
in Bedford, N.Y., where she will serve five months under house
arrest.

Stewart’s next step is to meet with her probation officer
Monday morning to receive an electronic ankle bracelet; she’ll
then report to her jeweler to have the plain black monitoring
device festooned with diamonds and white gold.

The devious domestic diva — convicted last March of lying
to federal investigators about an insider trading stock deal
— said her five-month stint at the Alderson Federal Women’s
Prison in West Virginia taught her some valuable lessons.
She promised she will never again fib to federal authorities
and said she would also avoid white lies, especially in social situations
better suited to off-white or beige falsehoods.

Stewart, 63, said she also learned how to disable a bull-dyke
prison guard with a crude but elegant diamond-studded shiv
and how to turn a frilly pillow case into a deadly weapon
by filling it with soda cans and savagely whipping it about
like Sean Penn in the movie "Bad Boys."

The convicted felon/media superstar reportedly has created
some exciting new recipes for bread and water, as well as
a decadent Chocolate Hacksaw Layer Cake. She also picked up
some handy tips for polishing those tarnished brass knuckles
and learned 101 uses for a broken razor blade.

Analysts say the high-profile Stewart trial yielded several
important legal insights: 1) It doesn’t pay to parade into
court flaunting a handbag that costs more than what most jurors
earn in a year; and 2) the government is not afraid to spend
millions prosecuting someone for a $50,000 stock swindle if
the defendant is famous enough to advance the careers of all
those involved.

Though critics have suggested the case against Stewart was
motivated by her celebrity status, prosecutors have deflected
all such questions, including those involving book or movie
deals, to their agents.

The jury is still out on whether her prison record will harm
her career as a product pitch-woman, but Kmart today introduced
a new Martha Stewart line of stylish but affordable orange
jumpsuits.

Next up, Stewart is slated to star in a spinoff of Donald
Trump’s "The Apprentice." But instead of parroting
Trump’s signature phrase "You’re fired," she is
experimenting with harder-edged jailhouse slogans like "You’re
dead meat, bitch" or "I’m gonna cut you."