Kerry
takes aim at gun-toter voters

By John Breneman

Eager to prove he’s a macho regular guy, John Kerry went
hunting over the weekend and bagged a terrorist.

Clad in a $1.4 million L.L. Bean flak jacket and brandishing
a borrowed 12-gauge shotgun, Kerry emerged from an Ohio cornfield
flashing a bloody thumbs-up and reporting, "Everybody
got one."

An aide said Kerry planned to have his terrorist stuffed
and mounted in his den on Boston’s Beacon Hill.

President Bush chided Kerry for posing as a phony terrorist
hunter and announced plans for a pre-election safari in Iraq,
during which he planned to blast at least five or six "freedom
haters."

Several pundits drew comparisons between Kerry’s high-profile
hunting expedition and President Bush’s decision to dress
up in a nifty Navy flightsuit for his infamous "Mission
Accomplished" moment, though some argued that Bush’s
phony photo-op was at least 10 times phonier and more distasteful
than Kerry’s.

In related news, the news media is trumpeting a possible
celebrity death match between Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger
as both camps fire up their attack machines for a final week
of pounding each other’s integrity in the battleground states.