Airline safety tips

Just got back from a press
junket to Fort Lauderdale.
Stay tuned for a travel
story later this week:

In related news, the Humor
Gazette’s IBS News team has obtained an exclusive copy of
a controversial new airline industry safety pamphlet:

Air travel is safe and
fun

Always check under your
seat for terrorists before takeoff.

Never attempt to light
a stick of dynamite while aboard a commercial flight.

Only a small minority
of passenger flights result in a hideous "crash
landing."

Just follow this simple
diagram if you and the others are to have any hope of
survival.

Our "Wet ‘n’ Wild"
ocean-rafting amenity is offered free on select flights.

Life vests in first class
are equipped with a tin of Pringles and a wedge of smoked
brie.

Children who refuse
to "shut the hell up" should be smacked sharply
on the head.

Please keep all genitalia
inside your clothing for the duration of the flight.

If a terrorist should
brandish a box-cutter, leap out the nearest emergency
door.

Passengers are encouraged
to yell "Wheeee!" while sliding to safety.

Customers may enjoy our
complimentary oxygen during the death plunge.

Once the shark tears off
your legs, the seat cushion keeps your bloody torso
afloat.

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