Kerry campaign shaken by Bush ineptitude
By John Breneman
The Humor Gazette has obtained documents showing that John
Kerry is a war hero and George W. Bush is an asshole.
The information has been authenticated by the same experts
who verified President Bush’s uranium yellow cake documents.
However, the revelation is not expected to impact the election
because in the interest of national security the president
has brainwashed half the nation into chanting "flip-flop"
on his command.
No documents, real or forged, have yet emerged to support
the theory, widely held in Democratic circles, that President
Bush in 1973 sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for the
future presidency and an 8-ball of fine Colombian powder.
Meanwhile, the Kerry campaign has been shaken by revelations
that Bush used his father’s influence to stay out of Vietnam
then just disappeared from the National Guard.
Supporters of the president apparently see no irony or shame
in the fact the president’s men have slammed Kerry for getting
shot at by the Viet Cong while their man was getting bombed
on kamikazes, or that he misled us into war, got thousands
of people killed and quadrupled the number of people who want
America dead.
This is because, as seen on TV, President Bush possesses
a rare ability to piss in your ear and tell you it’s a shimmering
beacon of democracy.
The president appeared before the United Nations on Tuesday,
reiterating his statement that if he knew then what he knows
today — that no weapons would be found and that thousands
of people would lie dead — he would still blaze cluelessly
into Iraq and turn it into a smoldering cesspool of violence
and hate.
The president’s supporters understand that Bush needs the
war to make him feel like a big man and accept the president’s
word that that blasting the place into freedom is the only
way to make sure the Iraqi suicide bombers of 9/11 don’t strike
again.
The only thing the president said he would do differently
would be to act a little cockier. Those close to the president
say that, in retrospect, he now regrets he did not taunt Saddam
Hussein a little more, call him a "girlie man" and
sneer "Look at you now, punk."
Maybe decorate Saddam’s face with a few haymakers while Cheney
and Rumsfeld hold his arms, then strip him naked and put him
on a dog leash for a while. Bury some cowboy boot in his freedom-hating
ass.
The president also reminded the U.N. of his pre-war promise
that there would be "serious consequences" if Saddam
Hussein continued his defiance. But with the death toll climbing
each day and no end in sight, the rest of the world now has
a stark, hellish picture of what President Bush means by "serious
consequences."