Political football: Donkeys defeat Elephants

By
John Breneman

The Donkeys beat the Elephants 51-49 on a last-second fumble
by GOP quarterback George W. Bush to open the 2004 Political
Football League season last night.

The Elephants appeared headed for victory, leading 49-44
and needing only a first down to run out the clock with just
32 seconds left.

"Four more yards!" Bush yelled to Dick Cheney,
the bruising fullback who had already scored two touchdowns
and spent half the game in Donkey quarterback John Kerry’s
face, questioning his manhood and taunting him as "sensitive."

Through most of the contest, the Elephants kept Kerry off
balance with an array of unorthodox tactics — from deception
and dirty play to actually spitting on his uniform — that
made it tougher to run his familiar East Coast Liberal offense.

But the Donkeys managed it keep it close, thanks in part
to an erratic performance by Bush, who fumbled five times
and tossed three interceptions.

Sideline observers said Colin Powell and John McCain seemed
a little half-hearted for the GOP and former Donkey benchwarmer
Zell Miller, now a vocal member of the Elephants offensive
unit, drew several key penalties for ranting on the sidelines.

Legendary Donkey superstar Bill Clinton managed three scores,
two touchdowns and one cheerleader.

And the entire game came down to the final play.

GOP center Arnold Schwarzenegger snapped the ball and flung
Howard Dean into the bleachers. Then he flattened Democratic
linemen Gephardt and Kucinich, opening a giant hole for the
president.

Bush’s eyes widened as he saw a clear path to the end zone.
He began high-stepping, holding the football out to one side
and thinking about what kind of touchdown pose to strike.
But the president failed to see blitzing Donkey linebacker
Max Cleland flying in from his blind side.

Cleland smashed into Bush like a piledriver, snapping his
head back and knocking the grin clean off of his face. The
tenacious Democrat then pounced on the loose ball and shoveled
it to Teddy Kennedy, who waddled and staggered 84 yards for
the game-winning score with Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh
on his back.