Environmental retard
President Bush marked Earth Day by announcing a new environmental
initiative with his pal Prince Bandar. Under the plan, Bandar
will whack a few pennies from the price of crude if Bush promises
to clean up any messes involving the Saudi royal family.
Meanwhile, John Kerry charged that Bush’s war on the environment
will launch 21 tons more pollution into the atmosphere, trigger
millions of asthma attacks and help cause up to 100,000 premature
deaths. Kerry said Bush gutted the nation’s environmental
laws with his own bare hands, raped virgin wetlands and defecated
on decades of progress made since the first Earth Day in 1970.
The president, who bombed as an oil company executive, defended
his petroleum-based ecological record during an ecosystem-op
at a Maine nature preserve. Bush, who at one point seemed
to confuse the terms "E. Coli" and "e-cology,"
made a fake promise to restore and protect 3 million acres
of wetlands then relaxed by burning up the waters off Kennebunkport
in his dad’s cigarette boat.
Asked
about the threat of mercury, Bush said his intelligence shows
Mercury is not a threat because it has no weapons of mass
destruction. He added that if he thought it would buy him
a couple thousand votes, he’d pledge to put a man on Mercury
by 2006.
Bush explained that environmental protection plays a key
role in our economic and political system. By whining for
laws regulating pollution, environmentalists spur a multibillion-dollar
industry funded by energy lobbyists funneling cash to politicians
who will keep the world safe for Arctic degradation.
Critics claim the president, an "environmental retard"
who has let corporate super-polluters rewrite the nation’s
environmental laws, is drooling to drill up the Arctic National
Wildlife Refuge.
But Bush countered that opponents of unrestrained drilling
are not very patriotic. "We must always take clean air
and water for granted," the president concluded, "and
stay the course against environmental extremists who threaten
our oil supply."