Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post

Kris
Kringle may be tapped to head
Department of Elf Education and Welfare or
Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development

By John Breneman

Firing Donald Rumsfeld didn’t help him
at the polls, so now President Bush hopes to boost his Grinch-like
approval numbers by naming a universally beloved figure
to a key Cabinet post.

According to completely fabricated reports, the one and only
Santa Claus has engaged in preliminary discussions about a
possible top job in the Bush administration.

Conservative pundits say the move could also be a decisive
blow in the War on Christmas.

Mr. Claus, a beloved mythical figure known primarily for
his efficient worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer, has
no prior political experience. Nevertheless, he is considered
a strong choice due to his extraordinarily high "favorability
rating." And though he is famous for hauling around a
gigantic sack, he is believed to be virtually free of political
baggage.

Mr. Claus, who has perfected a technology that enables him
to fly all over the world at lightning speeds in a reindeer-powered
sleigh, is also being considered for Secretary of Transportation.

Some Washington insiders believe Mr. Claus’ cutting-edge
work in high-speed, petroleum-free transportation could revolutionize
the future of commercial air travel.

Meanwhile, insiders at the Department of Justice confirm
that Mr. Claus’ innate ability to tell who’s been "naughty"
vs. who’s been "nice" made him an attractive candidate
to replace Alberto Gonzales as attorney general.

And several leading economists — noting Mr. Claus’ powerful
impact on the nation’s gross national product each year at
this time — suspect he may be a contender for Secretary of
Commerce.

The rotund, white-haired statesman, who makes his year-round
residence at the North Pole, may also be under consideration
to head the Department of Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development.

Others believe that Mr. Claus, the nation’s leading employer
of blue-collar elves, would be a natural for the Department
of Elf Education and Welfare.

Several Washington pundits suggest a Claus nomination would
draw strong opposition from Senate Democrats, some of whom
are convinced that — like those mythical weapons of mass
destruction — he doesn’t actually exist.

FBI
investigators will be checking Mr. Claus’ background and "checking
it twice," in part to determine whether his well-documented
"love" for little boys and girls is cause for concern.

A spokesman said Mr. Claus would not be available for comment
on a possible role in the Bush administration because he was
about to leave on a very important annual business trip. But
President Bush said he is eager to meet over milk and cookies in Washington next week when "Santa
Claus is coming to town."

Related stories:
Bush
wounded in War on Christmas — Dec. 9, 2005