Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in
fiscal ’06

By John Breneman

Al Qaeda Inc. (NYSE: AQI) reported a 3.6% drop in revenues
for the fourth quarter of fiscal 2006, but an annual report
released today assures shareholders that senior-level executives
remain committed to their bid for a hostile takeover of humanity.

While the international terrorist consortium boasted a modest
2.6% increase in "infidel slayings," it also acknowledged
increasing difficulty filling entry-level suicide bomber positions.
Sources say the company may begin farming out low-level belt-bomb
jobs to migrant workers from Taiwan and Mexico.

The report also noted that Al Qaeda’s policy of indiscriminately
blowing up innocent Iraqi woman and children may be hurting
its public image.

A
key part of its cost-cutting strategy for 2007 includes trimming
the number of virgins promised to martyrs in the afterlife
under their pension plans. So instead of being greeted in
the great beyond by 72 nubile sluts, company suicide bombers
might instead get three Baghdad opium ho’s and a bisexual
goat.

Another blow to profits was slower-than-expected sales of
Qaeda’s anti-American video game system — Sunni PlayStation
3. Its 2007 product line includes T-shirts ("Coed Naked
Suicide Bombers" and "Martyrs Do It in the Afterlife"),
Kid Dyn-o-mite belts for "Lil’ Terrorists" and an
Allah action figure with Kung Fu grip.

Good riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead — June 9, 2006	Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio — Jan. 20, 2006	‘Madman’ Hussein to plead insanity — Nov. 28, 2005
Al-Zarqawi’s approval rating falls — Nov. 25, 2005	Terrorists revealed to be morons — July 22, 2005	London attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks — July 8, 2005
Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick — June 6, 2005	Mother’s Day card yields clues on bin Laden — May 9, 2005	Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote — March 28, 2004
Comic bomb: Bush slays ’em with WMD gag — March 26, 2004	Voice on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman — Nov. 19, 2002	Rebuilding Afghanistan in our image — Dec. 10, 2001