Abe and George drive hard bargain

By John Breneman

We
Americans sure do know how to honor our greatest presidents.
We use ’em to sell cars.

A couple years ago on President’s Day, I read in the newspaper
that Abraham Lincoln was rated by a panel of scholars as the
nation’s greatest president ever. Said so right on Page 3.

Then I turned to the automotive section to find a sad-eyed
Abe in wearing a conical birthday hat and tooting a party
horn to trumpet the "Historic Deals" at some Volkswagen
dealership.

Further
down the page George Washington (ranked #3 in the greatest-ever
poll) is sporting the same red-and-white striped chapeau with
the tassel on top as Lincoln. But his party horn is cut off
by a ’98 Jetta pricetag, making it look like he’s smoking
something or sucking his thumb.

It’s official. President’s Day is now commemorated by a gaudy
electoral collage of car advertisements — a crass display
of patriotic good intentions gone garishly awry.

For some reason, I feel it is my (Honda) civic duty to (Ford)
focus on the (Acura) legends who have served in the White
House over the past (Buick) centuries. Each of these (Dodge)
intrepid men had his own (Mercury) mystique and wisdom that
will help our next president chart a prosperous (Eagle) vision
for the new (Mazda) millennia.

Is it any wonder that President’s Day has devolved into a
vehicle for eight-cylinder consumerism?

After all, when you think of it, being a politician is a
lot like being a used car salesman. You have to be a convincing
smooth talker who inspires confidence in the prospective car
buyer/voter. (We want Lincolns and Fords that can pass inspection
and win election.)

One dealership featured a "President’s Day Blowout!"
with a postcard view of Mount Rushmore sandwiched between
a Toyota Camry and a Tacoma 4×4. Peering off the mountain
is Teddy Roosevelt, a rough rider and native (Chrysler) New
Yorker who is probably spinning out in his grave.

In another ad, full-body cartoons of Washington and Lincoln
are shown scampering toward each other while bookending the
message "We Will Not Be Undersold."

Word balloons put "quotes" in the mouths of our
greatest leaders. Lincoln exclaims, "All options at dealer
cost!" And Washington chimes in "Instant financing
too!" This is in an ad for Subaru Legacy sedans and wagons.

Legacy?!?!?

Don’t these car peddlers realize that they are exploiting
the proud legacies of our greatest presidents by turning them
into Subaru shills and pickup truck hucksters?

One ad touted "unpresidented" savings. The word
is dead on because in many of these ads Crazy George and Honest
Abe are literally "unpresidented" — stripped of
presidential dignity as they are morphed into cartoon characters
endorsing mechanized contraptions that did not exist in their
lifetimes.

So I guess I just find it a little confusing when George
Washington says, "3.9% APR financing available."

Now the trend toward phony presidential pitchmen is oozing
over into other types of commerce.
There was a President’s Day sale at Circuit City, where you
could pick up a (Herbert?) Hoover Turbo Power Upright vacuum
cleaner for $299.

But the real action was at Kitchen Etc., which featured President’s
Day specials on fine china and other household items. Warren
G. Harding’s portrait shows him to favor a 16-piece china
set depicting red New England barns, while Ronald Reagan endorses
dishes with an American flag motif.

I don’t even think I could make up the following images from
the Kitchen Etc. flier: Thomas Jefferson offering a Pedrini
enameled corkscrew at the guaranteed low price of $9.99; Abe
Lincoln recommending a 103-piece set of Pfatzgraff Cantebury
flatware; Andrew Jackson a Wearever nonstick chicken skillet;
and Herbert Hoover a Joyce Chen wok and accessories.
What next? Franklin D. Roosevelt coming out with a new line
of wheelchairs? Coolidge and Hoover lending presidential credibility
to the latest anti-Depression drug?

Maybe it’s just a sign of these strange times that we’ve
got ex-presidents offering us factory air and power windows.

Perhaps we are at a crossroads in our nation’s autopolitical
history. If so, you will surely want a roomy, smooth-handling
automobile for that bumpy ride down the campaign trail.

My advice: I hear you can get a good deal on a red, white
and blue Ford Windstar with a power moonroof and 159-year
warranty from our eighth president, Martin "Mini"
Van Buren.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman always keeps a spare
satire in the trunk of his car.