Al Qaeda reports declining revenues
in fiscal ’05

By John Breneman

Al Qaeda Inc. (NYSE: AQI) reported a 3.6% drop in revenues
for the fourth quarter of fiscal 2005, but an annual report
released today assures shareholders that senior-level executives
remain committed to their bid for a hostile takeover of humanity.

While the international terrorist consortium boasted a modest
2.6% increase in "infidel slayings," it also acknowledged
increasing difficulty filling entry-level suicide bomber positions.
Sources say the company may begin farming out low-level belt-bomb
jobs to migrant workers from Taiwan and Mexico.

The report also noted that Al Qaeda’s policy of indiscriminately
blowing up innocent Iraqi woman and children may be hurting
its public image.

A key part of its cost-cutting strategy for 2006 includes
trimming the number of virgins promised to martyrs in the
afterlife as part of their pension plans. So instead of being
greeted in the great beyond by 72 nubile sluts, company suicide
bombers might instead get three Baghdad opium ho’s and a bisexual
goat.

Finally, to boost revenue Al Qaeda has unveiled a new product
line just in time for Christmas and Kwanzaa.

Items include T-shirts ("Coed Naked Suicide Bombers"
and "Martyrs Do It in the Afterlife"), toy suicide
belts for "Lil’ Terrorists" and an Allah action
figure with Kung Fu grip.

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