Aliens seize Tom Cruise’s brain

By
John Breneman

Sources say Tom Cruise’s recent spate of odd
behavior was triggered by an incident on the set of
his new blockbuster, "War of the Worlds," where
the controversial actor was reportedly given a brain probe
by disgruntled Martians.

The spacemen reportedly disguised themselves as movie aliens
to get close to Cruise, then jammed a three-foot titanium
cylinder into his skull and made off with nearly half of his
cerebellum.

Since then the actor has puzzled observers by playing trampoline
on Oprah’s couch, getting
in "Today" show host Matt Lauer’s face and
proclaiming his eternal love for Batman’s girlfriend.

Is it all just a publicity stunt to hype his starring role
in the new $130 million Steven Spielberg epic? Perhaps, but
Hollywood insiders suggest Cruise is using the promotional
tour to proselytize for his beloved Church
of Scientology, a trendy religion founded by Nebraska
author L. Ron Hubbard that apparently encourages its followers
to act like bossy know-it-alls.

Cruise, who recently scolded Brooke Shields for using anti-depressants,
now subsists entirely on Scientology-flavored
Kool-Aid and is reportedly mulling a bid to become
the church’s Exulted Grand Poobah.

In Spielberg’s "War of the Worlds," opening June
29, the director stays relatively faithful to the classic
H.G. Wells novel despite Cruise’s effort to rewrite
it so a family of Scientologists defeats the alien menace
and creates a new world order.