And
baby makes 3 (hundred million)

By
John Breneman

A day-old Florida crackbaby has been identified as America’s
300 millionth person, according to a wild guess by
the U.S. Census Bureau.

Baby 300M (his real name is being withheld so his tiny soul
is not crushed by overexposure to the media) clocked
in at 7:46 a.m. Tuesday to win a crate of Gerber Spinach
Puree, two kilos of Johnson’s Baby Powder and a year’s supply
of Armani silk diapers.

Unconfirmed reports place his unofficial weight at 6-9 pounds.
He reportedly has no health insurance.

Thousands of women in delivery rooms across the country waged
a frantic
competition to pop out the lucky little one, whose
baby swag bag also includes Vanilla Coke, Chocolate Pepsi,
Slim Jims, Twinkies, Doritos, Cheetos, Big Macs, Froot Loops,
Nike booties, Grand Theft Auto and Mortal Kombat.

Related story:
Spears
baby to be named T-Bone — Sept. 12, 2006