Anna
Nicole baby to enter rehab

By
John Breneman

Distraught by round-the-clock TV drivel about her mother’s
decomposing body and her father’s identity, Anna Nicole Smith’s
5-month-old daughter, Dannielynn, has checked into rehab for
treatment of depression, exhaustion and media exploitation.

Sources say the tiny pawn in this sordid made-for-reality-TV
commentary on American society is undernourished because the
former stripper and girlie mag starlet wanted her baby to
be "sexy."

The troubled infant’s agent claims Playboy is offering $1
million in a bidding war for exclusive nude ultrasound photos.

Rumors are rampant that the Smith-Stern-Marshall-Prince Von
Anhalt-Birkhead baby has subsisted largely on TrimSpa formula
and Gerber’s methadone puree since birth and has difficulty
breast-feeding because she rejects anything smaller than a
42DDD.

Maybe someday they’ll get around to a DNA test to determine
the baby’s daddy, but until then don’t be surprised to see
Kevin Federline, Larry the Cable Guy and Scooty Libby’s names
come up at the paternity inquisition.

Next: Geraldo demands a canine custody hearing to determine
who gets Sugar Pie, if the drug-addled toy poodle hasn’t already
OD’d.

Media analysts say it is no surprise the busty blonde train
wreck knocked the astronaut diaper scandal from the spotlight,
since she once drove 1,200 miles in Depends just to score
a bag of crystal meth.

In life, she banged her way from a humble Texas strip club
to the United
States Supreme Court. Now a kangaroo court judge has
awarded custody of her remains to Dannielynn for burial in
the Bahamas. Saddest of all, Anna Nicole Smith will never
realize her dream of dangling her daughter over a hotel balcony
in Vegas.

Related story:
Anna
Nicole’s Supreme Court sex romp — March 1, 2006