Boston
Marathon madness

Bloated from Easter candy and strict adherence to the miracle
Jelly Bean Diet, I get tired just thinking about the Boston
Marathon. I might be able to make it the whole, grueling 26.2
miles, but only if I purchased a state-of-the-art motorized
wheelchair.

So I won’t be running again this year — my 45th consecutive
year of not running in the Boston Marathon. Or any marathon.
Or any distance greater than, say, 500 yards.

However, imagination being what it is, I had a grand time
pretending to run in the marathon last year. Here is my report:
Boston
Marathon fan wins Armchair Division.

In
other April-related fake news, U.S. counter-terrorism officials
would neither confirm nor deny that the
Easter Bunny is being held for questioning about a
clandestine overnight operation that exposed the nation’s
children to countless tons of teeth-rotting weapons of mass
confection on Sunday.

Sources close to the floppy-eared holiday icon claim he is
being interrogated in a cramped mesh-bottom cage in Guantanamo
Bay. The charges: periodontal terrorism and 52 million counts
of contributing to the obesity of a minor.    MORE