Bush admits being petroleum junkie
By
John Breneman
President Bush announced plans to kick his lifelong addiction
to oil last night, prompting renewed speculation that he has
discovered a new technology enabling him to convert his own
hot air into energy.
The president’s military drilling of Iraq has not yielded
as much Texas tea as he hoped for and he no longer trusts
his petroleum pushers in the Middle East. On the bright side,
Bush emitted 12 percent less carbon monoxide than he ordinarily
does during a speech.
Gas-guzzling America can’t kick black gold cold turkey, but the president
announced a 12-step plan to get the grease monkey off our
back. Analysts speculate Bush has privately admitted that
he is powerless to oil and put his energy policy in the hands
of the Lord, believing that only God can help him stop giving
obscene tax breaks to the big oil companies.
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Fortunately, the president reminded the nation that his war
machine is pumping out plenty of freedom.
After his speech, Bush was moved to an undisclosed location
during the Democratic response amid concern that he might
be attacked by Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine’s radical extremist eyebrow.
Related story:
President
delivers standup routine — Jan. 25, 2006
Bush’s resolutions for 2006 — Jan. 11, 2006
President
pumps petroleum plan — April 29, 2005