Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post

By John Breneman

With Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld rumored
to be on the way out, President Bush reportedly is eyeing
a universally respected figure for a key Cabinet post. According
to completely fabricated reports, the one and only Santa Claus
has engaged in preliminary discussions about a possible top
job in the Bush administration.

Mr.
Claus, a beloved mythical figure known primarily for his efficient
worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer, has no prior political
experience. Nevertheless, he is considered a strong choice
due to his extraordinarily high "favorability rating."
And though he is famous for hauling around a gigantic sack,
he is believed to be virtually free of political baggage.

Mr. Claus, who has perfected a technology that enables him
to fly all over the world at lightning speeds in a reindeer-powered
sleigh, is is also being considered for Secretary of Transportation.

Some Washington insiders believe Mr. Claus’ cutting-edge
work in high-speed, petroleum-free transportation could revolutionize
the future of commercial air travel.

Meanwhile, insiders at the Department of Justice confirm
that Mr. Claus’ innate ability to tell who’s been "naughty"
vs. who’s been "nice" made him an attractive candidate
to replace Alberto Gonzales as Attorney General.

And several leading economists — noting Mr. Claus’ powerful
impact on the nation’s gross national product each year at
this time — suspect he may be a contender for Secretary of
Commerce.

The rotund, white-haired statesman, who makes his year-round
residence at the North Pole, may also be under consideration
to head the Department of Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development.

Others believe that Mr. Claus, the nation’s leading employer
of blue-collar elves, would be a natural for the Department
of Elf Education and Welfare.

Several Washington pundits suggest a Claus nomination would
draw strong opposition from Senate Democrats, some of whom
reportedly no longer believe in him.

FBI investigators will be checking Mr. Claus’ background
and "checking it twice," in part to determine whether
his well-documented "love" for little boys and girls
is cause for concern.
A spokesman said Mr. Claus would not be available for comment
on a possible role in the Bush administration because he was
about to leave on a very important annual business trip.

But President Bush said he is eager to discuss the possibilities
over milk and cookies in Washington next week when "Santa
Claus is coming to town."

Related stories:
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Claus denies use of steroids — Dec. 25, 2004

Bush
wounded in War on Christmas — Dec. 9, 2005