President suffers from Rummy ache

By
John Breneman

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld circled the Humvees yesterday
to square the record against criticism that he has warped
the Pentagon into some sort of creepy trapezoid or rhombus.

Rumsfeld confirmed he had no plans to resign, but said he
was seriously considering shooting somebody in the face with
a Patriot missile.

Calculating reporters pressed the familiar "critics
say you wrecked Iraq" angle but the obtuse statesman
did a cute job deflecting the media third degree.

Asked why he would offer to resign over prison torture, then
torture millions of innocent Americans by refusing to step
down now, the embattled Washington warlord gave a chuckle
and said, "Just call it idiosyncratic."

The arrogant and autocratic death minister barked down a
question on whether he was arrogant and autocratic, then when
pressed grinned, "You know me."

Rummy can afford to be cocky (arrogant and autocratic). His
boss had just recognized his visionary role in achieving the
administration’s pre-9/11 objective of regime change in Iraq
by giving him the old "Heckuva job, Rummy" of the
Month. See, President Bush knows it is awful hard work jamming
a trumped-up, ill-planned war down the world’s throat.

The words Presdident Bush used to bestow the vote of confidence
were these:

"I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I
know the speculation" about Rumsfeld being an incompetent,
evil war pig, Bush said. "But I’m the decider, and I
decide what is best. And what’s best is for Don Rumsfeld to
remain as the Secretary of Defense."

The Decider has spoke. All hail the Decider.

* Stay tuned to see what the Decider decides to do about
Iran, North Korea and the gaping flesh wound he and his cronies
have inflicted on the word "integrity."

Related commentary:
Meet
the Secretary of Serenity — Dana Milbank / Washington
Post

The
poetry of D.H. Rumsfeld — Slate