Bush names Patriots football ambassadors

By John Breneman

President
Bush welcomed the New
England Patriots to the White House for the third
time in four years on Wednesday, then stunned the Super Bowl
champs by asking them to serve as U.S. ambassadors for football.

The president told Patriots coach Bill Belichick he has learned
that millions of people throughout the world refer to "soccer"
as "football." This could pose a potential threat
to national security "or something," he said.

"Football is an American game and people ought to play
it around the world, like democracy" said President Bush.
"We need to make sure we live in a world where football
means football. Soccer calling itself football is like communism
calling itself democracy."

The president explained that in many countries, young school
children are brainwashed with anti-American propaganda and
taught to love soccer instead of real football.

"In Texas we have a word for soccer — boring,"
said Bush. "There’s no action, no good-lookin’ women
in beer commercials, no pickup trucks, no Viagra. I guarantee
you’re not gonna see me choking
on a pretzel from watching soccer on TV."

By the time President Bush reached the climax of his speech
— "Either you’re with us or you’re with the soccer people"
— the Patriots had slipped out the back.