Editor’s
note: This one appeared
in the
March 25, 2006, edition of the Boston Herald.

The oratorical stylings
of Pres. George W. Bush

By John Breneman

President Bush was feeling chatty last week, rolling from
Ohio
to Washington
to West
Virginia to riff about the elusive and bloody quest
for Iraqi democracy.

But the three-day, three-city tour doesn’t mean Bush has
"flip-flopped"
on his policy of talking a lot while saying very little.
(Actually, he did admit he’ll be long gone before the U.S.
ever gets out of Iraq and that, while linking Iraq to al-Qaeda
in the public perception, he has been "very
careful never to say that Saddam Hussein ordered
the attacks on America.")

For armchair Bush observers, these sessions provide a fascinating
glimpse into the folksy, shoot-from-the-lip communication
style brandished by the man who brought us such legendary
soundbites as "bring ’em on" and "dead
or alive."

Bush explained that in addition to "Commander-in-Chief,
I’m also the Educator-in-Chief." Today’s lesson: his
God-given ability to spin rambling monologues around the
semiautomatic repetition of familiar words, phrases and
anecdotes. Victory will be ours as long as we don’t "lose
our nerve," he said four more times Tuesday (saving
the sister soundbite "shake our will" for Wednesday).

One of the president’s favorite "education" tools
is to tack the word "see" to the front or back
of any statement to sound like he’s conveying key information.
(On Wednesday: "An interesting debate in the world
is whether or not freedom is universal, see …" Then,
two seconds later, "See, I believe freedom is universal.")

Yes, I see. Unfortunately, every time Bush instructs me
to "see" he reminds me of those Mugsy-type gangsters
on Bugs Bunny. ("You dirty terrorists. You’ll never
shake our will, see.")

There is much the president wants us to "understand."
He deployed the word 26 times Wednesday, including this
elegant three-fer: "You got to understand that I fully
understand there is deep concern among the American people
about whether or not we can win. And I can understand why
people are concerned."

Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand many of us aren’t
impressed each time he repeats, "I understand people’s
lives are being lost."

Another
way the president likes to educate us simple folk is his
clever and escalating use of the phrase "in other words"
(nine times Tuesday and an unofficial record 14 on Wednesday).

Sounds like he’s expanding on the previous point, see.
But it’s actually just verbal filler — buying a second
before he delivers his next line of banter or, just as often,
repeats the previous one. (Example from Wednesday: "Iraq
is a part of the global war on terror. In other words, it’s
a global war.")

Yes, when the president hops on a word, he sure rides it
into the sunset. Take "threat," for example. It
popped out of the presidential piehole 16 times in Cleveland
and another 20 in West Virginia, where he packed nine "threats"
into this edited 40-second spiel: "I saw a threat in
Iraq. I’ll tell you why I saw a threat. … Congress
in both political parties saw a threat. My predecessor saw
a threat. I mean, my predecessor saw a threat and …
The world saw a threat. … We saw a threat. I’ll tell
you why I saw a threat. I saw a threat because…"

Finally, one staple of any presidential address is the
anecdote. Well your president has a new favorite and if
you haven’t heard it yet, don’t fret. When the president’s
father fought in World War II, Japan was our sworn enemy,
see. But today, Bush mugs, Prime Minister Koizumi is "one
of my best buddies."

Unfortunately, the story does less to illustrate the president’s
point about progress toward peace than it does to underscore
the harsh contrast between the decorated Navy hero and the
back-slapping, Vietnam-ducking National Guard party boy
— the father who knew bagging Baghdad "wouldn’t be
prudent" and the son who now has no choice but to "stay
the course."

Boston Herald copy editor John Breneman is editor
of the satire Web site www.HumorGazette.com.

Related stories:
Critics
praise President Bush’s ‘I think about Iraq every day’speech
— June 27, 2005

Bush
vows to do standup until terrorists stand down —
Jan. 25, 2006

President
takes part-time job clearing brush — Jan. 26,
2005

Comic
bomb: Bush slays ’em with WMD gag — March 26,
2004

President
Bush’s 2006 New Year’s resolutions — Jan. 11, 2006

President
suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction — Jan. 2, 2006

Bush
received faulty intelligence from God — July 14,
2004

Abramoff
fingerprints found on president’s ass — Jan. 23,
2006

Bush
tells nation: ‘I’m sure something will pop into my head’
— April 14, 2004