Bush
announces pro-Bush initiatives

By John Breneman

President Bush today announced several bold initiatives designed
to reverse his stinky approval numbers. Polls show Bush has
stayed the course all the way down to 34 percent, while confessed
gunman Dick Cheney has blasted his way down to 18 percent.

Bush has been bashed for blowing off Hurricane Katrina and
is now getting soaked by Political Storm Dubai. After threatening
to use his first presidential veto to ram the ports deal through,
he may instead invoke his second presidential "re-do."
Bush says Alberto Gonzales told him he gets three. His first
was the now-hilarious Harriet Miers debacle.

Also, because bad approval numbers are bad for White House
morale, Republican leaders today passed the Patriotism Act,
making it a misdemeanor to criticize the commander-in-chief
or vote against him in a poll and authorizing the government
to wiretap anyone suspected of making fun of the president.

Bush hopes to score points with some tough talk for terror
jerk Osama bin Laden. He pledged to catch his al Qaeda counterpart
"dead or alive or in a vegetative state" and boosted
the reward to $50 million, some Halliburton stock options
AND a two-day, two-night stay in the Lincoln bedroom.