Bush, Kerry
to trade punches, punchlines

By John Breneman

Now that the debate on the Vietnam War is almost over, it
is time for another presidential debate. This one will help
determine who will lead America for the next four years —
Flip-Flop or Just Plain Flop.

The rules are simple: No eye-gouging, head-butting or
Abu Ghraib-ing.

Sound-biting is not only allowed, it is practically the only
way a candidate can score "points" at a modern-day
presidential forum, since post-debate analysis is largely
confined to who sighed or shrugged, who looked at his watch,
or did the best job delivering a zinger written by his team
of political strategists. Points are added for making the
audience laugh, but not deducted for blatant lies.

Attempts at substantive dialogue are frowned upon. This is
because, though polls say voters crave "substance"
over "flash," polls also show that most Americans
can no longer detect "substance" unless it is delivered
using an eye-grabbing jolt of "flash."

Additional rules, agreed to in a 32-page document designed
to limit spontaneity, specifically prohibit bitch-slapping,
throwing of feces and (flashback to 1988) any hypothetical
questions about a candidate’s wife getting raped and murdered.

In the interest of national security, President Bush will
not be forced to explain why he flip-flopped on his pledge
to catch Osama bin Laden "dead or alive" or why
he chose to respond to the tragedy of 9/11 by starting a brand
new death toll in Iraq.

Security will be tight in response to concerns that al Qaeda
may try to disrupt the event, perhaps by sneaking a whoopee
cushion onto Bush’s podium or beheading a few more registered
voters.

The moderator, beloved game show host Wink Martindale, will
be heavily armed.

The debate is set for 9 p.m. Thursday night at the University
of Miami, where fun-loving undergrads will be playing the
Presidential Debate Drinking Game.

The rules are simple:

— Each time either man says "duty," drink one
large gulp of beer.

— Each time either candidate emits a well-practiced soundbite
that is meant to sound spontaneous, guzzle one large gulp
of beer.

— Each time Kerry says "family values," drink
one 2-ounce glob of Heinz ketchup.

— Each time Bush says "family values," snort one
line of cocaine.

— If anyone says "four more years," drink four
more beers.

— If President Bush insists we must "stay the course,"
just take a bunch of pills and go to bed.