Terror
and laughter … President
Bush warmed up the crowd for his talk about terror and 9/11
and spying on Monday with a taste of his classic "Everybody
Loves W." standup routine. The president was on a roll.
In fact, the parenthetical reaction (Laughter) appears a rollicking
61 times in the official White House transcript at www.whitehouse.gov.
Following are verbatim excerpts of the president’s remarks.
The words in parenthesis (originally "Laughter"
and "Applause") have been edited. Repeat. The president’s
words are his own. Only the reactions have been edited: —
John Breneman
* * *
President
Discusses
Global War on Terror
at Kansas State University
Kansas State University
Manhattan, Kansas
In Focus: National Security
In Focus: Renewal in Iraq
11:51 A.M. CST
THE PRESIDENT: Thanks for inviting me here to give the Landon
Lecture. For those students who are here, I want you to know
I can remember what it was like to sit through lectures. (Laughter,
applause.) I didn’t particularly like it then. (Laughter,
many in the audience now slapping their thighs and knees in
appreciation of such a brilliant self-deprecating quip.) …
I want to thank the introducer. So he’s on Air Force One.
He says, that’s a cute-looking blue tie you have. (Two men
in the front row explode in laughter; one grabs the other’s
tie, yanks it hard and pokes the man in both eyes.) But I
strongly suggest, Mr. President — (HA! HA! HA! HA!) I said,
I don’t know, Senator, if I can take it; I’m worried about
all those lobby laws — or the lack of them. (The crowd erupts
again, having secretly hoped for a "Congress is soooo
corrupt …" zinger.)
He said, fine, I’ll just loan it to you. I said, well, now
that you’re helping me dress, you got any hints on how I ought
to do my hair? (Laughter, applause, quizzical expressions
appear on many faces) …
I want to thank the Governor. Governor Sebelius, thanks for
putting up with me, Roberts and Brownback as we drove from
the airport to here. One hour with the three of us — it required
a lot of patience. (HA-HA-HA!! Brownie turns to Robo, high-fives
him and yells "Woooo!!") …
I want to thank Congressman Jim Ryun, right from this district.
I appreciate you being here, Congressman. (Applause for the
legendary Olympic distance runner.) I’m not interested in
jogging with you. (Uproarious laughter. Many in the audience
pantomime running in place and panting, one man clutches his
chest and falls down pretending to die of laughing) …
I appreciate President Wefald for having me come. I know
Laura was his first choice. (Shouts of "Laura!"
resonate through the hall, filled with people who love the
president’s trademark "I married well" schtick.)
That’s why he’s the head of such a fine institution; he’s
got good judgment. (Ripples of anticipatory chuckling.) By
the way, she sends her best. I married really well. (OOH-HO-HO-HOH!!
The room bellows in a perfect storm of laughter at the president’s
artful melding of family values and folksy modesty.)
And I want to thank Charles Reagan and Edward Seaton. Charles
is the chairman of the Landon Lecture Series. And Edward is
the head of the patrons. He said to me, he said, I so appreciate
you believing in free speech; thanks for giving a free one.
(Several people drop to the floor, roaring; others gasp the
words "Free speech!" while gesturing to a neighbor
that they are having trouble breathing. A slender man gives
a large woman the Heimlich maneuver, causing her dentures
to fly out and hit a Secret Service agent in the head.) …
I appreciate the students being here. I particularly want
to thank those who’ve come from the Last Chance Bar. (A disheveled
student smashes a whiskey bottle over the head of the man
to his left, laughter.) Better than watching daytime TV I
guess. (Ha? Ha-ha-ha?) …
I do want to pay tribute to our wonderful men and women in
uniform. Thank you for serving our country. (The crowd whoops
"U! S! A!" — chants of "Stay the course!"
and "Remember 9/11!!" ring out. A man with a piece
of duct tape covering his mouth is hurled out a window.) …
I’ll never forget the first decision I had to make as the
President. I wasn’t even sworn in yet, and a fellow called
me on the phone and he said, what color rug do you want to
have in the Oval Office? (Whew!! People are wiping sweat from
their brows and struggling to catch their breath.) You’ve
got to be kidding me, man. (Laughter, a few people actually
manage to momentarily regain their composure.)
He said, no, what color rug would you like to have in the
Oval Office? I said, I don’t know. He said, well, it turns
out that Presidents — you’ve just got to know Presidents
design their rugs. I said, well, to be honest with you, I
don’t know much about designing rugs.
So I called, I delegated — that’s one of the things you
do in decision-making. (a man mutters "shoulda delegated
someone to write a decent joke" and is quickly subdued
by a dark-suited man wearing sunglasses)
I said, Laura, how about helping design the rug? (Laughter
engulfs the room, slowly giving way to contented smiles as
people think "a man who asks his wife to help design
a rug could NEVER thumb his nose at privacy rights with unrestrained
wiretapping. Right?") …
You can’t lead the nation, you can’t make good decisions
unless you’re optimistic about the future. So for the students
here, as you take over organizations or head out of college
and become involved in your life, you’ve got to be optimistic
about — if you’re going to lead somebody. Imagine somebody
saying, follow me, the world is going to be worse. (Heh-heh.
The laughter trickles off …)
For
more (Laughter),
read the rest of the speech.
Related story:
A
comic bomb: Bush slays’em with WMD gag — March
26, 2004