NY Times leaks Superman’s identity

By
John Breneman

The White House today accused the New York Times of treason
for leaking the identity of a key covert operative in America’s
war on terror — Superman.

However, a spokesman for the Times claimed the information
has been declassified since the 1950s, when the link between
a certain mild-mannered newspaper reporter and the erstwhile
Man of Steel was first made public to millions of TV viewers.

In a related development, the Daily Planet is reporting that
Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Lois Lane faces possible
prison time for refusing to reveal her source in a story about
Lex Luthor’s efforts to obtain kryptonite yellow cake from
Niger.

The
administration says the Times report ruins its plan to have
Superman fly in and fix the mess in Iraq. Clark Kent could
not be reached for comment.

Related story:
Hollywood
spins off Spider-man’s web — June 29, 2004

North Korea flunks missile test

By
Chris Elliott

North Korea test-fired seven missiles on July 4-5, one of
them a long-range ICBM, in clear defiance of the world community.
The missiles fell harmlessly into the Sea of Japan, where
they injured a sperm whale and wiped out a school of unwitting
prawns.

President Kim Jong Il proclaimed the zero-for-seven performance
a "grand triumph." However, his minister of missile
research could not be reached for comment after being "honored"
in front of a firing squad.

South Korean president Roh Moo Hyun said the missiles were
likely constructed from parts stolen from a Hyundai factory
scrap yard in Seoul, and remarked that Scott Peterson had
a better chance of getting to Hawaii this winter than a North
Korean missile.

President Bush emphasized diplomacy, saying North Korea "couldn’t
hit the broad side of a New York skyscraper" and advising
Kim Jong Il that if he had more missiles to "bring ’em
on."

Geopolitical analysts who have studied Kim Jong Il speculate
the deranged Yoko Ono look-alike is aiming to solidify his
legacy as the ugliest, dorkiest scourge in the history of
the world.

There have been no signs of preparations for further weapons
tests in North Korea, but one of the fallen missiles was returned
to Kim Jong Il. It was reportedly covered with red ink and
had a circled F minus at the top along with the comment, "You
can do better."

Related
story:
Angelina
Jolie romantically linked to Kim Jong Il — June
13, 2005

Also by Elliott:
Mispronouncing
a lie doesn’t make it true — Aug. 16, 2004

Spend hours, even months,
expanding your mind at the Chris
Elliott Library.

Crack found in foam of shuttle fuel tank

By
John Breneman

The above headline from the New York Times Web site on Monday
raises troubling questions about America’s space program.

Most pressing: How did a crack dealer get close enough to
the shuttle to hide a stash of rock cocaine in Discovery’s
foam-insulated fuel tank?

NASA engineers are now analyzing whether the mission should
be scrubbed so they can check the O-rings for angel dust.

A source close to the shuttle’s janitor said one of the astronauts
was planning to conduct unauthorized experiments on the effects
of crack cocaine in a weightless environment.

Police reportedly have questioned Lt. Tyrone Biggums, whose
NASA bio identifies his hero as legendary Apollo 11 stoner
Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin.

Related story:
Shuttle
repair costs ‘out of this world’ — Aug. 3, 2005

Flashback

to the first Fourth of July

By
John Breneman

Had to dash down to the Library of Congress
this week because I realized I had an overdue book ("Curious
George Plays With Fireworks"). While I was there, I began
snooping around and stumbled across a document that sheds
startling new light on our nation’s very first July
4th celebration.

The year was 1776. Thomas Jefferson threw a
barbecue at his house and all the founding fathers were there,
along with everybody who was anybody during those heady days
before the Revolution.

The
Washingtons — George, Martha and little Denzel — stopped
by with some of Martha’s famous lo-carb cherry pie, considered
to be the tastiest in the Colonies.

John and Abigail Adams brought a crate of lobsters
and their 9-year-old son John Quincy, who did nothing but
complain that little Andy Jackson, also 9, kept knocking his
glasses off.

Adams’ older brother Samuel, wearing a stylish
puffy shirt and brown vest, hauled along plenty of his famous
"hand-crafted" beer and kept urging people to try
his Bunker Hill Pale Ale.

Young Aaron Burr brought some pistols in case
anyone wanted to duel and Benjamin Franklin had a box full
of kites festooned with an array of stripes and stars.

Once most of the guests had arrived at Jefferson’s
Monticello estate, Paul Revere galloped up on his horse, Tea
Biscuit, screaming, "The British are coming! The British
are coming!"
"Just kidding," said the patriotic prankster, who
then wandered off to ask Sam Adams for a Valley Forge Lager.

Meanwhile, Jefferson was playing the consummate
host. He had set up a dunking booth with an unfortunate Tory
dressed up like the King of England and the children hollered
"Taxation without representation!" as they hurled
stones to knock the hapless "king" into the water.

Garbed in a chef’s hat and an apron embroidered
with the words, "All menus are NOT created equal,"
Jefferson flipped burgers and hot dogs at the grill and ladled
tankards of East India Company iced tea out of a barrel.

"Hey Jefferson," shouted fellow Virginian
Patrick Henry, "Give me another corndog or give me death!"

Spirits were high because there was a growing
sense that the Colonies were sick and tired of being bossed
around by King George III, who little Andrew Jackson kept
calling "King Georgie Porgie Fatty."

After everyone was stuffed, Jefferson gathered
the whole group and pulled out a rolled-up piece of paper
with some fancy writing on it. He cleared his throat and began
reading. "When in the course of human events," he
began, "yada, yada, yada… We hold these truths to be,
um…"

"Self-evident?"
suggested Ben Franklin.

"Yeah that’s it, self-evident … that
all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their
Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these
are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of …"

"Beer!" shouted Sam Adams.

"Naked chicks!!" exclaimed Paul Revere.

"No, Happiness," said Jefferson, who
droned on for about 20 more minutes until Revere said Jefferson’s
"Declaration of Impudence" was right on the money.

John Hancock grabbed a pen and Adams spilled
a little of his beer onto the edges of the document, saying
it would help give it that "parchment" feel.

Then the celebration really started to get lively.
Thomas Paine implored the revelers to use common sense, but
Hancock and Franklin began lighting off crude rockets packed
with gun powder and various minerals that produced colorful
streaks when ignited.

As Hancock lit the fuse of a Red Glare Whistling
Aerial Repeater, he was distracted for a moment by an attractive
young slave and the charge detonated, blowing off both his
right hand and his favorite powdered wig.

Fortunately,
a young seamstress named Betsy Ross dropped what she was working
on, grabbed Hancock’s hand and began sewing it back onto his
arm.

Despite the accident, John
Adams suggested — for real — that henceforth we
should celebrate our independence each Fourth of July with
"pomp and parade … guns, bells, bonfires and illuminations
from one end of this continent to the other, from this time
forward forevermore."

So that’s the story of our nation’s first Independence
Day. I still can’t believe that I found it where I did —
scrawled on the back of a 230-year-old, corndog-encrusted
cocktail napkin in the shaky but unmistakable hand of John
Hancock.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is believed
to be a direct descendent of Denzel Washington.

Dodds
takes detour on road to D.C

By John Breneman

Skeptical
of congressional candidate Gary
Dodds’ claim that he may have swerved to avoid a deer
when he bumped into a guardrail on the Spaulding Turnpike
then vanished for 26 hours, police are pursuing a new lead
involving a possible second deer, perched on a nearby grassy
knoll.

Dodds
reportedly described the deer as 6 feet tall, 350 pounds,
clad in a handsome brown pelt with a white patch on its throat
and "dark, shifty eyes" — possibly wearing a ski
mask.

A wildlife expert said if Dodds had encountered a deer with
his vehicle on the night of April 5, 2006, the animal would
have been scared shitless. Yet the local CSI team found nothing
when it dusted for scat.

However, they did discover pungent evidence suggesting the
recent presence a large weasel. Unconfirmed reports suggest
a magical unicorn also may have been involved.

Police have obtained a search warrant for Dodds’ clothes
to help figure out if he’s been sending them on a wild deer
chase with his amnesia-riddled tale of whacking his head and
wandering the woods and rivers of Dover.

Shortly after the incident, Dodds seemed unsure about whether
his 1997
Lincoln Continental had burst into flames (it had
not) and whether or not he had been kidnapped by a previously
unknown tribe of Granite State forest gnomes.

The befuddled Washington wannabe quickly demonstrated one
of his key qualifications for Congress, blaming his woes on
the media and accusing the local press of a "politically
motivated witch hunt."

Sources say Dodds plans to lay low for a while, maybe cruise
the Lincoln down to Rhode Island to get some campaign advice
from fellow crazy-drivin’ Democrat Patrick Kennedy.

Public opinion is split, with a new fake poll showing that
42% of the voters believe Dodds was probably just practicing
lying in case he somehow won his bizarre bid to represent
some extremely puzzled constituents in the U.S. Congress.

Al-Qaeda
snatches Paris Hilton

By
John Breneman

Al-Qaeda terror crackpot Ayman
al-Zawahiri has avenged the death of his pal Abu
Musab al-Zarqawi by kidnapping American hotel heiress
Paris Hilton.

Zawahiri appeared on videotape clutching a distraught, scantily
clad Hilton, who was forced to read a statement renouncing
"immoral reality TV" and calling American popular
culture "ignorant, soulless and depraved. Like me."

U.S. intelligence confirmed that the abductee seen on the
videotape — and on a raunchy $19.95 companion bootleg —
is the flashy, trashy dumbass professional celebutramp.

Hilton also delivered her signature line — "That’s
hot" — as the terrorist held a glowing orange branding
iron close to her cheek.

Hilton was snatched from a penthouse suite at the Baghdad
Hilton where she was shooting a sex tape with the Greek National
Guard. This according to a source close to the Mexican laborer
who cleans up after one of her miniature Chihuahuas.

Nicole Richie could not be reached for comment.

Related story:
Al
Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of dung — Aug.
5, 2005

Fake obit: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

By
John Breneman

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, high-ranking al-Qaeda hatemonger, died
unexpectedly today when his "safehouse" was smashed
to Hell by bombs.
He was 39.

Zarqawi was identified by fingerprints, facial recognition
and the "Martyrs
Do it in the Afterlife" tattoo on his left bicep.

U.S. forces described Zarqawi’s death as a victory in the
war on terror, but an al-Qaeda spokesman called it a victory
in the war FOR terror, saying 500 new Uncle Sam haters just
signed up for suicide bomber boot camp.

There are conflicting reports on whether Zarqawi is currently
burning in the underworld or gangbanging 72 virgins in the
promised land. Also killed in the U.S. offensive, Zarqawi’s
#2 man, his #3, 4, 5 and 6 men, his longtime manicurist and
his beloved Jack Russell terrier, Mr. Boom-Boom.

Born in Jordan, Zarqawi is remembered as a prodigy at the
elite terror academy, Jihad Prep. Recalled one former instructor,
"By
the time Abu reached sixth grade he was already hating America
at a ninth-grade level."

A past president of the Fraternal Order of Spineless Terrorists
Local 666, Zarqawi rose to prominence as host of the popular
Iraqi game show "Who Wants to Be a Martyr?"

A devout Muslim, Zarqawi reportedly spent two hours a day
in prayer and another hour and a half playing Sudoku. In his
spare time he enjoyed doing needlepoint, watching "Three
Stooges" reruns and slaughtering innocent women and children.

Known for his uncanny resemblance to the American comic strip
character Zippy
the Pinhead, he also enjoyed pranking people with
his prosthetic leg and grooving to the music of Barry Manilow.

His hobbies included firing automatic weapons on grainy,
homemade videotapes and creating savory new recipes for human
flesh. He was the co-author of the Baghdad Times bestseller
"Killing Americans For Fun and Profit."

Friends say he will be remembered as a hero and a role model
for young terror whackjobs. "He never let respect for
human life stand in the way of his murderous ideology,"
said Ayman
al "Fred" Zawahiri, a possible successor.
"And he never met a non-Muslim he didn’t hate."

His loss will be felt throughout the Islamist terror community
and the Internet is crackling with "chatter" about
who will take Zarqawi’s place at third base on the al-Qaeda
company softball team.

Zarqawi teamed up with Osama bin Laden in 1999 after
the two met at a terror jamboree in Afghanistan, but sources
say Zarqawi had a falling out with his former mentor and once
told Al Jazeera that, ever since 9/11, bin Laden "thinks
he’s Allah that."

Services
will be held tomorrow at Fatwa Brothers Funeral Home. In lieu
of flowers and dates, donations may be made in Zarqawi’s name
to the American Armageddon Fund or the Inhumane Society.

Related stories:
Zarqawi
the Pinhead cartoon causes carnage — Feb. 8, 2006

Al-Zarqawi’s
approval rating falls — Nov. 25, 2005

Osama
Bin Laden’s list of travel demands — March 24,
2006

Bin
Laden’s driver linked to Miss Daisy — March 30,
2006

By John Breneman

Humanity and its allies claimed a major victory in the War
on Satan on Tuesday, surviving a heightened risk of tsunamis,
earthquakes, terrorism, bird flu, locusts and the raging hellfires
of the apocalypse.

The Department of Homeland Security has dropped the Armageddon
Risk Level from orange to yellow. The FBI would neither confirm
nor deny that it is investigating scattered antichrist sightings
throughout the Bible Belt.

Read the rest of this entry »

Iran agrees to nuclear talks, but not nuke-u-lar

By
John Breneman

Sources say President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is ready to accept
President Bush’s offer to open talks with Iran if it stops
monkeying with uranium, on one condition — Bush must agree
to correctly pronounce the word "nuclear."

"I’m sick of hearing that chump talk about Iran’s ‘nuke-u-lar
ambitions,’" said Ahmadinejad. "We want NUCLEAR
weapons — I mean energy — not nuke-u-lar."

Washington insiders say Iran’s offer is insincere because
Ahmadinejad knows Bush will never abandon his beloved alternative
pronunciation of the explosively symbolic n-word.

Nevertheless Ahmadinejad said he has much in common with
the man he has come to call "The Decider," pointing
out that they’re both kinda slow and despised throughout most
of the world. Also, the Iranian leader said, he just had to
put a bunch of people to death for singing the Iranian anthem
in English.

In a related development, China said it supports the U.S.
move to engage Iran in "nuke-ree-er" negotiations.

Related stories:
Bush’s
new Iranian pen pal — May 12, 2006

Bill
would ban singing anthem in Pig Latin — May 3,
2006

Iran
gets bird flu bomb — April 24, 2006

Cheney slays 12 in 21-gun salute

By
John Breneman

Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally gunned down a dozen
spectators while performing a Memorial Day 21-gun salute at
an undisclosed location.

Cheney apologized for the holiday mayhem, saying he thought
he saw a quail out of the corner of his eye. A bald eagle
remains in critical condition.

A spokesman said Cheney feels really bad about the incident,
but remains upbeat about sending 2,500 U.S. soldiers to their
deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq.

The vice president, who wisely obtained five deferments to
avoid going to Vietnam as a young man, complained that the
media always ignores all the "good news" on Memorial
Day.

Meanwhile President George W. Bush, who wisely used family
connections to avoid going to Vietnam as a young man, gave
a speech saluting "the fallen" whom he had pushed
into battle.