McCain
linked to error kingpin Abu Dubya

By
John Breneman

John McCain for the last eight years has been "palling
around" with a man who nearly destroyed the United States
of America during his deadly reign of error, the mainstream
media has learned.

Emerging evidence links the Republican nominee with notorious
right-wing error kingpin Abu Dubya, whose international and
domestic malfeasance has harmed millions and cost taxpayers
trillions.

Pundits say McCain’s close ties to Dubya, described as a
high-ranking member of the Bush-Cheney Underground, could
hurt him in his quest for the White House. Behind in the polls
and reeling from the nation’s economic meltdown, McCain has
tried to distance himself from Dubya but has never repudiated
him.

Now McCain strategists have alerted the media they’re suspending
discussion of the country’s severe economic woes to focus
their full attention on smearing Sen. Obama.

Rather than think up some way to help millions of Amercians
gripped by economic distress, McCain dispatched co-maverick
VP pitbull Sarah Palin to stink up the campaign trail with
claims that Sen. Barack Obama "pals around with terrorists."

In addition to wielding Weather Underground radical William
Ayers as a weapon against Obama (who has denounced Ayers’
actions as "detestable"), the McCain camp is said
to possess footage of Obama’s former pastor saying, "God
damn America."

Several days before gearing up the Swift Boat Express for
a fresh assault on Main Street, Gov. Palin, insisted at the
Oct. 2 vice presidential debate that Sen. McCain’s past connections
to Abu Dubya should be off-limits.

"Say it ain’t so, Joe, there you go again. … Now
doggone it, let’s look ahead," urged Palin, who said
she wants "a little bit of reality from Wasilla Main
Street there, brought to Washington, D.C."

Sources
say Palin plans to introduce a series of homespun new policies
such as the Church-State United Act and No Joe Sixpack Left
Behind.

However, the Obama camp says McCain’s relationship with the
enigmatic Dubya is not only relevant but "dangerous."
McCain aggressively campaigned to block Dubya’s rise to power
in early 2000, but abruptly flip-flopped that May and was
soon photographed hugging the powerful error syndicate leader.

Critics say McCain helped advance the virulent Abu Dubya
economic ideology that brought the American financial sector
to its knees.

Abu Dubya also claims responsibility for:
— spiking the pre-9/11 intelligence briefing "Bin Laden
determined to attack in U.S."
— worsening the impact of a hurricane that wiped out a major
American city.
— invading Iraq without provocation.
— stealing billions from taxpayers and giving it to cronies.

Gov. Palin’s bid to distract attention from the McCain-Dubya
connection includes a probe into whether she fired Alaska’s
public safety commissioner because he refused to dismiss a
state trooper who was Palin’s ex-brother-in-law.

Palin said that if she is "so blessed" to be elected,
she hopes to expand the power of the vice presidency to fire
U.S. attorneys, "activist judges" and maybe a couple
member of Congress.

Palin also assured the American people that, once elected,
she "wouldn’t blink" on matters of "wiretappin’,
toleratin’ gays and getting’ rid of that pesky women’s right
to choose."

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McCain
wounded in Letterman attack

McCain
flip-flops on debate ‘bailout’

Palin: How many igloos does she own?

Palin
comparison: She’s no Dan Quayle

By
John Breneman

Gov. Sarah Palin delivered a debate-night wakeup call to
all those elite, East Coast liberal, pro-Obama, anti-Main
Street, mainstream media jackals who say a Joe Six Pack hockey
mom can’t be president.

She’s the spunky, lunch-bucket, maverick, moose-carvin’,
Putin-huntin’, pitbull America never knew it was waiting for.

Palin erased all doubt about her ability to awkwardly infuse
McCain-Bush talking points with a brisk Alaska breeze. Cleverly
adopting the disarming verbal strategy of an eager student
trying to stretch two pages of material into a 10-page report,
she peppered her homespun spin with W-esque presidential folksiness.

Even when bombarded with "gotcha" questions by
moderator Gwen Ifill, a card-carrying lefty according to the
right, Palin effortlessly summoned seemingly random strings
of words to underscore her refreshing lack of knowledge and
experience.

She frequently projected a nervous energy that is perfectly
normal for someone inexplicably thrust onto the presidential
stage by a candidate whose judgment tells him — during this
near perfect storm of national crises — to name the Wasilla
Wonder his, God forbid, possible successor as leader of the
free world.

"How long have I been at this, like five weeks?"
she said, reassuring the American public that she understands
the economic crisis is "a toxic mess, really, on Main
Street that’s affecting Wall Street."

She also scolded her opponent, Sen. Joe Biden of Delaware,
for suggesting that the destructive policies of the yet-to-expire
Bush administration, along with John McCain’s pledge to continue
most of them, were somehow relevant to the election.

"Say it ain’t so, Joe, there you go again pointing backwards
again. You preferenced your whole comment with the Bush administration.
Now doggone it, let’s look ahead," said Palin.

"Americans are craving that straight talk," she
said, conjuring up such incisive rhetoric as, "we’ll
do what we have to do to administer very appropriately the
plans that are needed for this nation."

And this curvy straight talk on global warming: "I’m
not one to attribute every man — activity of man to the changes
in the climate. There is something to be said also for man’s
activities, but also for the cyclical temperature changes
on our planet." That’s sure to resonate with the "puzzled"
demographic.

Palin achieved her goal of saying the word "maverick"
at least six times. But Biden countered with nine reverse
kitchen-table "mavericks."

However, as expected, Biden’s performance included several
of his signature gaffes.

Number one: He kept saying, "That’s number one. Number
two…"
Number two: He dared make the unpatriotic suggestion that
"the last eight years, we’ve been dug into a very deep
hole here at home with regard to our economy, and abroad in
terms of our credibility. And there’s a need for fundamental
change in our economic philosophy, as well as our foreign
policy."

Biden also said something about McCain having debated Harry
Truman. However, he did call upon Churchillian reservoirs
of diplomacy to resist telling his opponent she was full of
Bullwinkle.

Though super slo-mo revealed that Palin blinked on at least several occasions, she did reassure millions of gay Americans that she is “tolerant” of them and said that, despite her opposition to Roe v. Wade, she’ll be a champion of “women’s rights.” She also reminded the millions of Americans praying for a near-term end to the Iraq war that they’re pledging allegiance to the “white flag of surrender.”

After
the debate, CNN dispelled fears of an anti-Palin media by
deploying a team of pundits to lavish praise upon the smart, but blatantly underqualified possible future president.

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flip-flops on presidential debate ‘bailout’

McCain
wounded in Letterman attack

Sarah
Palin: How many igloos does she own?

McCain
sustains self-inflicted political wound

By
John Breneman

Sen. John McCain’s dramatic decision Wednesday to suspend
his presidential campaign to rescue American voters from economic
doom is already reaping dividends — it is decreasing likelihood
of an economically disastrous McCain presidency.

With his poll numbers plummeting, the "economic"
situation was so urgent that McCain canceled a taping with
David Letterman, probably an even bigger strategic blunder
than admitting Tuesday that he had not yet read the three-page
bailout proposal.

After praising McCain for his courage and heroism during
the Vietnam War, Letterman tortured the Republican nominee
with blunt comic instruments.

"You don’t suspend your campaign," was Letterman’s
machine-gun refrain. "Are we suspending it because there’s
an economic crisis or because the poll numbers are sliding?"

Letterman said McCain phoned in to cancel with some excuse
about having to jet down to Washington to save the economy.
Then the late-night host pulled a "this just in"
and showed video of McCain down the street taping an interview
with Katie Couric.

"This just gets uglier and uglier," said Letterman,
who pretended to yell to McCain offering him a ride to the
airport.

"This doesn’t smell right. This isn’t the way a tested
hero behaves," Letterman had said earlier. "I think
someone’s putting something in his Metamucil."

Letterman also skewered McCain’s media quarantine of running
mate Sarah Palin, saying that if McCain feels he’s needed
in Washington he should simply call upon his "second-string
quarterback" to lead the campaign. What’s the problem,
he asked. "Where is she?"

Letterman’s nightly Top 10 List also mocked McCain with these
"Top 10 questions people are asking the McCain campaign":

#10:
I just contributed to your campaign — how do I get a refund?

#8: Can’t you solve this by selling some of your homes?

#6: Do you still think the fundamentals of our economy are
strong, genius?

#5: Are you doing all this just to get out of going on Letterman?

"First of all, the road to the White House runs through
me," Letterman reminded.

"What are you going to do if you’re elected and things
get tough? Suspend being president? We’ve got a guy like that
now!" the late-night jokkernaut continued.

"Do you think he’ll ever come back?" Letterman
asked sidekick Paul Shaffer.

"Not after the drubbing that you’ve just delivered."

Steven Colbert offered his customary ironic support of the
Republican, pointing out that when you’re president you’ve
got to suspend a lot of things: "Habeas Corpus,"
for example.

And noted stand-up comic Sen. Chris Dodd, Democratic chairman
of the Senate Banking Committee, said McCain’s gambit looks
like "more of a rescue plan for John McCain and not a
rescue plan for the economy."

McCain’s rescue plan may have begun with an 8:30 Wednesday
morning call from the Obama camp proposing a calm joint statement
on the economic situation. Perhaps fearing that Obama might
be credited with reaching out, McCain went commando.

According to reports, he finally returned Obama’s call at
2:30 p.m. and agreed to issue a joint statement. But moments
later he was announcing the suspension of his campaign and
challenging Obama to do the same. No word yet if McCain will
arrive at his Capitol Hill crisis-op by parachute.

He also proposed postponing his inevitable dismantling in
Friday’s presidential debate, prompting Obama to respond,
"This is exactly the time the American people need to
hear from the person who in approximately 40 days will be
responsible for dealing with this mess."

Now, just as his campaign’s strategic use of dishonesty has
begun to draw more media attention, McCain is taking blows
from the left and right charging blatant political opportunism
and just plain erratic behavior.

However,
McCain said there is no need to worry because the fundamentals
of his campaign are strong.

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Palin: How many igloos does she own?

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Thurston
Howell III endorses John McCain

Noted
billionaire Thurston Howell III of "Gilligan’s Island"
fame has thrown his support behind Sen. John MCain for president.

A Harvard-educated, East Coast elitist, Mr. Howell cited
Sen. McCain’s pledge to continue President Bush’s tax cuts
for the wealthiest 1 percent and said he feared Sen. Barack
Obama’s "mumbo jumbo" about alternative energy "could
cost me billions in oil revenue."

"McCain is a Navy man," said. Mr. Howell. "After
what he’s been through, this little Wall Street meltdown doesn’t
scare John McCain. And believe me, I know about spending years
as a prisoner being tormented by tedious companions."

Related story:
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‘taken out’ by the CIA

Brangelina to accelerate adoption binge

By
Chris Elliott and John Breneman

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie plan to adopt a child from each
of the nations of the Pacific Rim, according to the underground
newspaper Brangelina Today.

The Pitt-Jolie child-raising dynamo intends to go alphabetically
starting with Brunei, Cambodia, Chile and Colombia and ending
some time in 2012 with Taiwan, Thailand and Vietnam — averaging
seven per year as they expand their brood from six children
to a whopping 32.

"I sure hope Brad doesn’t end up banging the Vietnamese
child like Woody Allen did," said Jolie. "Maybe
we’ll adopt a boy from Hanoi."

While technically part of the Pacific Rim, the two intend
not to adopt from Australia, Russia, Canada or the United
States because those don’t sound like poor countries. Pitt
was recently overheard discussing the duo’s parenthood plan
with pal George Clooney on the set of "Ocean’s Whatever."

"What kid wouldn’t be psyched about getting yanked out
of a festering pisshole like North Korea and being raised
in luxury by movie-star parents," he said. "And
by parents, of course, I mean a team of nannies."

Brangelina’s own biological children will not receive special
treatment. "Each will receive the Lamborghini of their
choice on their 16th birthday and have a teaching hospital
bearing their name in their country of origin," said
a source close to Jolie’s lip stylist.

Mom to Shiloh, Knox and Vivienne (biological) Maddox, Pax
and Zahara (adopted), the gorgeous Golden Global U.N. Goodwill
ambassador is eager to expand her mini melting pot.

And the Rumor Gazette has obtained a list of possible names
for upcoming adoptees, including: Oskar, Tats, Floyd, Lara
Croft, Mombassa, Thelma, Wheezy, Rusty and Smitty.

Also,
Pitt and Jolie may or may not be in negotiations to film a
reality TV show called "The Brangy Bunch."

Michael Jackson could not be reached for comment.

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Sarah
Palin goes donkey hunting at GOP convention

Two puppets — Fox News Fox and GOP Elephant — give you
the scoop on how Sarah Palin once slaughtered a herd of caribou
with just her bare hands and those razor-sharp, pearly-white
teeth.

WATCH:
Fox News puppet pundits

Sarah
Palin: How many igloos does she own?

Sen. John McCain has selected Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as
his vice presidential running mate. Other than the fact that
few have ever heard of her, the biggest question: How many
igloos does she own?

Despite being a virtual unknown, Palin’s chief qualification
is her status as what is known in GOP political circles as
"a woman."

Eleventh-hour negotiations with former Massachusetts Gov.
Mitt Romney broke down at the last minute despite Romney’s
offer to get a sex change if that would help the GOP cause.

Negative
ad: Obama, McCain and Hussein

Negative attacks rock Election 2008, as both Barack Obama
and John McCain are linked to Saddam Hussein and the 9/11
terrorist attacks. WATCH

Olympic
humor video

Join MSG-NBC analysts Bob Gold and Rings Gardner for exclusive
humor from the Beijing Olympics. Get the scoop on fake gold
medals with lead paint and the key to the mens 100m doggy-style.
WATCH

Also, the all-you-can-eat buffets the Chinese have prepared
for the athletes are heaped with the best food in Olympic
history. However, two hours after they eat, the athletes feel
like competing again. WATCH

China takes gold in Olympic propaganda

By
John Breneman

Why shanghai a 7-year-old Olympic hopeful’s chance to sing
in Beijing? For Chinese officials, yanking the real crooner
for a lip-synching cutie — like filling the sky with made-for-TV
fireworks — was all about hosting the best Summer Games ever,
by any means necessary.

"What’s the big deal, silly vanilli?" asked Tony
Chin, a dashing ex-karaoke champion identified as the "organizer"
of the 2008 Summer Games. Chin was standing in for the actual
Olympic organizer, whose imperfect teeth and oversized facial
pores disqualify him from playing a more public role.

Asked about reports that the host country was combating lower-than-expected
attendance by filling half-empty stadiums with legions of
fake fans, Chin responded by saying, "The Olympics are
just super."

The controversy has caused critics to wonder aloud if China’s
lip-synching mentality has crept into the competitive arena.
("Accepting the gold medal on behalf of the homely, goggle-eyed
swimming champion is this far more aesthetically pleasing
specimen of Chinese cultural and genetic superiority,"
joked one ZNBC commentator.)

The government’s desire to stage manage every aspect the
Olympics is also causing security concerns. This, according
to disgruntled police officers who say they’ve been forced
to pull desk duty while their glamorous and lucrative Olympic
overtime shifts are covered by more attractive but less experienced
trainees.

At least the thick smog that threatened to cast a toxic pall
over Beijing has been brought under control, according to
Bubbles Wang, the perky "minister of air pollution,"
lip-synching at a press conference for the wheezing, soot-covered
actual minister of air pollution.

The Beijing air is also rife with rumors that the 2008 Olympic
medals are not actually gold, silver and bronze, but a cheap
alloy coated with lead paint.

Summing up the controversy, Tony Chin reiterated that the
China that is hosting the 2008 Summer Olympics is not the
scary, authoritarian, polluted-wracked, human rights-repressing
China, but instead the fancy, shiny China that is only brought
out to impress guests on special occasions.

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— July 4, 2004

FCC
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— Aug. 19, 2004