Billy
Buck Teefus
salutes Stephen Colbert’s
AmeriCone Dream ice cream

Editor’s note: My friend Billy Buck Teefus — American
redneck savant — is passionate about Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone
Dream ice cream. Read his testimonial below or WATCH
THE VIDEO.

Yep, Billy Buck Teefus here – American redneck savant
– singin’ the praises of the most patriotic product ya
hard-earned money can buy – Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone
Dream ice cream.

Nation – either you’s with Stephen Colbert and his America-made,
freedom-lovin’ ice cream er you’s with the terrorists.

That’s
right. A patriotic American who ain’t eatin’ Stephen Colbert’s
ice cream? … why, that’d be like a presidential candidate
walkin’ around without a little American flag pin on his lapel.

Or badmouthin’ the troops by saying we oughta bring ’em home.

What kinda latte-drinkin’, socialized-medicine wantin’, unnecessary
war-hatin’ sumbitch would refuse to buy a product that has
red and white United States flag stripes right on the box?
Bunch of anti-AmeriCone terrorist sympathizers, that’s who.

You know who hates this stuff? Iranian President Mahmoud

Ima-make-sure-ain’t-nobody-can-eat-AmeriCone Dream-after-dinner-jad.

This is Billy Buck Teefus here to tell ya to hustle on out
to the corner store and git yerself a tub of Stephen Colbert’s
AmeriCone Dream.

Why, every bite is chockful of chocolate fudge, gooey caramel
‘n’ sweet truthiness.

Billy Buck Teefus
American redneck savant
also appears in:

How
to tell if yer president is a redneck

Redneck
Home Shopping Channel

Teefus
gits Tasered

Billy
Buck Teefus vs. O.J. Simpson

VISIT: www.ColbertNation.com

AND "The
Colbert Report"

Education
Accomplished! “Childrens do learn”

By
John Breneman

Mission accomplished! As recently as three years ago, America’s
education system was in a shambles. Millions of childrens
did not even know that humans
and fish can peacefully coexist.

President George W. Bush was so concerned that, on Jan. 23,
2004, he warned, "the
illiteracy level of our children are appalling."

Mr. Bush had been aware of the problem since Jan. 11, 2000,
when he observed at a South Carolina campaign rally, "Rarely
is the question asked: is our children learning?"

But as his dad’s vice president, Dan
Quayle, learned at a sixth-grade New Jersey spelling
bee in 1992, education can easily become a political hot potatoe.

The Washington pundits misunderestimated Mr. Bush’s ability
to get the job done, but in January 2002 he signed into law
his landmark education plan: No Childs Left Behind.

Sure, there were critics. Some say the president has shortchanged
his program by more than $50 billion. But Mr. Bush knows that
childrens need a good education so they can grow up to get
a heckuva job and put
food on their families.

In today’s global war on terrorism economy, he reasons, we
must help childrens realize their dreams of becoming soldiers,
oil executives or OB/GYN doctors, free to practice
their love. Childrens, Mr. Bush understands, must
be given the tools they need to compete for those good-paying
jobs on the Internets.

So it was heartening to hear President Bush tell the nation
— during his speech
last Wednesday urging Congress to reauthorize No Childs Left
Behind — that, when standards are high and results are measured,
"Childrens
do learn."

Notably, Mr. Bush’s vision has also fueled an education initiative
in the extremist Muslim world. In fact, many gifted first-
and second-graders in Iraq and beyond are already hating America
at a ninth-grade level, thanks to a policy called No Junior
Terrorist Left Behind.

Related stories:

Bush
suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction
— Jan. 2, 2006

Critics
praise president’s
"breathing space" for Iraq speech
— Jan. 15, 2007

President
Bush assures nation:
"I think about Iraq every day"
— June 27, 2005

Bush
as commander-in-cheek — April 5, 2006

VIDEO:

Redneck Home Shopping Channel

How
to tell if yer president is a redneck

CLICK HERE to see the video

Yep. Billy Buck Teefus here – American redneck savant.

I heard that Foxworthy feller on the TV talkin’ ’bout
if this-’n’-that-whatever … you might be a
redneck. And I figure I must be one, cause nine outta 10 of
them sumbitches I sez yes to all of ’em.

Dang right I’s got a rag fer a gas cap? And what’s
wrong with takin’ a load down to the dump and comin’
home with a bigger one?

This here’s America!

Ain’t nothin’ wrong with bein’ a redneck?

President of the U-nited States is one, ain’t he?

Least accordin’ to that you-might-be-a-redneck test,
you figure:

If you gits 4,000 American soldiers killed in an unnecessary
war, and then start bragging that we’s “kicking
ass” … you might be a redneck president.

If you live in the White House, but’d rather spend five
months a year out in Texas clearin’ brush … you might
be a redneck president.

If yer idea of diplomacy is t’go around rootin’
tootin’ shootin off words like “smoke ’em out,”
“bring ’em on” and “dead or alive”
… you might be a redneck president.

And, sure enough, if yer second in command shoots a huntin’
buddy in the face …
you might be a redneck president.

Editor’s note: Billy Buck Teefus is a fictional
character. His opinions do not necessarily reflect those of
the Boston Herald, the Humor Gazette or the American redneck
community.

CLICK
HERE to see the video.

Billy Buck Teefus talks Taser

Billy Buck Teefus on O.J. Simpson

Mr. Billy Buck Teefus — American redneck savant — tells of a frightening encounter with O.J. Simpson. Says Teefus: “Man, just think of what that double-murderin’ sumbitch coulda accomplished if his life of crime hadn’t been interrupted by a Hall of Fame football career.”

CLICK HERE to see the video.

Bin Laden linked to Satan’s pig-monkey

After
the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, Humor Gazette editor John
Breneman embedded himself in the war on terror (at
an undisclosed location), vowing to remain vigilant in his
First Amendment duty to shock and awe the evildoers and politicians
alike with a relentless satire offensive.

"Our failure to publish stories like ‘Bush
suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction’ would be a victory
for the terrorist asswipes," he said.

The Gazette scooped its rivals at the New York Times,
the Onion and Al-Jazeera with stories like ‘Al
Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of dung.’ Below are
some of the exclusives that helped earn the Gazette a Pull-it
Surprise nomination:

Good riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead — June 9, 2006	Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio — Jan. 20, 2006	Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal ’05 — Dec. 19, 2005
Al-Zarqawi’s approval rating falls — Nov. 25, 2005	Terrorists revealed to be morons — July 22, 2005	London attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks — July 8, 2005
Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick — June 6, 2005	Mother’s Day card yields clues on bin Laden — May 9, 2005	Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote — March 28, 2004
Comic bomb: Bush slays ’em with WMD gag — March 26, 2004	Voice on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman — Nov. 19, 2002	Rebuilding Afghanistan in our image — Dec. 10, 2001

Rich pooch makes Vick ‘my (bleep)’

By
John Breneman

Trouble, the ill-tempered Maltese that inherited $12 million
from hotel mogul Leona Helmsley, reportedly was spotted in
an upscale Manhattan pet store yesterday purchasing 100,000
Michael
Vick chew toys.

A spokesman for America’s
wealthiest dog said the toys will be distributed to
abused and underprivileged canines at the nation’s animal-cruelty
centers. "Payback," he said, "is a nasty little
bitch."

One lucky pooch will also win a day of pampering with Trouble,
including Shiatsu tummy massage and chi-chi avocado genital
masque.

In a related development — now that the Helmsley case affirms
the rights of dogs to have their own bank accounts — Michael
Vick is being sued by three dozen West Virginia mutts claiming
to be offspring of fighting canines killed by Vick and his
henchmen.

The
heirs of Slasher, Ripper, Shredder, Fangs, Prancer and Lassie24
are seeking punitive damages in a $12 million civil suit filed
against real Michael Vick and video-game Michael
Vick.

Related stories:
Dog
Fighting League faces uncertain future — Aug.
1, 2007

Ex-Chihuahua
sues Paris Hilton — Sept. 6, 2006

THIS
DAY in (REVISIONIST) HISTORY — Sept. 2

By
John Breneman

Birthday fugitive Whitey
Bulger marks his 78th tomorrow by continuing his 13-year
game of hide ‘n’ seek with the FBI. There’ll be cake (vanilla
with vanilla frosting) and, if you wanna make a fast million,
just find out the undisclosed location of the Pale One’s birthday
bash and drop a dime to the feds.

The scavenger hunt for the notorious Hub gangster — who
disappeared in 1994, wanted for at least 18 murders — has
included Bulger "sightings" all over the world.
In fact, the No. 4 thug on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted list
was last seen on the big screen, where he was played by Jack
Nicholson in "The Departed."

So, where’s
Whitey? Rumor is he’s holed up in Hollywood, pitching
scripts to Hub homeys Ben Affleck ("Gone Whitey
Gone") and Matt Damon ("The Bulger Ultimatum").

Actor Keanu Reeves turns 43 today. Having starred
in flicks called "My Own Private Idaho" and "Feeling
Minnesota," he’s now being eyed to play Sen. Larry
Craig, the disgraced Idaho pol fingered for perversion
in a Minnesota men’s room.

And happy 41st to Salma Hayek. After her success as
executive producer of Emmy-winning "Ugly Betty,"
her next project is a sitcom based on a bisexual, Communist
Mexican painter with a unibrow, "Ugly Frida."

On this day in 1901 at the Minnesota State Fair, Vice President
Theodore Roosevelt uttered his famous phrase, "Speak
softly and carry a big rocket-propelled grenade launcher."

Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh died at age 79 on
this day in 1969, leaving his heirs a napalm war with the
world’s leading superpower and a stake in his beloved basketball
team, the Ho Chi Minh Trailblazers.

The U.S. Department of the Treasury was founded on
this day in 1789, with strict instructions to try to keep
the federal deficit under $9 trillion.

On this day in 1969, Rockville Center, N.Y., became the site
of America’s first automatic teller machine, a bulky
contraption that dispensed a free toaster to the first 100
customers.

Sixty-three years ago today, Navy pilot George H.W. Bush
was bailed out of his burning plane after being hit while
bombing Japanese targets. Nearly 30 years later, his son George
W. was hiding from Vietnam in the Texas Air National Guard
when he, too, got bombed and bailed out.

And
on this day in 1945, Japan surrendered aboard the battleship
USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay in exchange for a moratorium on
U.S. mushroom clouds and a jobs program for displaced kamikaze
pilots.

Related story:
President
nominated for Purple Chin award — May 30, 2004

THIS DAY in (REVISIONIST) HISTORY — Aug. 26

By
John Breneman

When Iraq War enthusiasts argue that "everybody"
thought Saddam Hussein had WMDs, here’s why.
Speaking to the Veterans of Foreign Wars on this day in 2002,
Vice President Dick Cheney told the world — quote — "there
is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction."

Cheney, who obtained five military deferments to weasel
out of serving in Vietnam, fired off the word "weapon(s)"
31 times and "terror(ist)" 20 times in his bid to
weasel America into Iraq.

White House untruths were handled differently back in Ben
Bradlee‘s heyday. The Boston-born Washington Post journalist
fought to expose government deception in Vietnam by publishing
the "Pentagon Papers" in 1971, then helped expose
a corrupt president in the Watergate scandal. He turns 86
today.

On this day in 1498, Michelangelo was commissioned
to carve the Pietà, under a contract guaranteeing
the legendary master a seven-figure advance, an executive
producer credit and 5% of future museum gift-shop sales.

With the big Lions-Gladiators playoff showdown coming up
and no Guinness on hand, Julius Caesar invaded Britain
on this day in 55 B.C.

On this day in 1883, the eruption of Mount Krakatoa
in Indonesia killed thousands while spewing almost as much
toxic junk into the atmosphere as your average presidential
debate.

Charles "Lucky Lindy" Lindbergh‘s luck ran
out on this day in 1974 when the aviation hero went down with
lymphoma at age 72.

The 19th amendment was certified on this day in 1920,
giving women the right to vote and raising the electoral question:
What does a modern woman wear to the voting booth.

The first baseball game was televised on this day
in 1939 (Reds vs. Dodgers at Brooklyn’s Ebbets Field), frightening
many viewers with the ominous warning that "any rebroadcast,
reproduction, or other use of the pictures and accounts of
this game without the express written consent of Major League
Baseball is strictly prohibited."

Today’s births

Green-blooded Boston Celtics broadcaster and Hall of Fame
player Tommy Heinsohn turns 71 today. But the team’s
failure to win a title since 1987 has not shaken his belief
in leprechauns.

Ex-child star Macaulay Culkin plans to celebrate his
27th today by playing pin the tail on one of Michael Jackson’s
donkeys.

Today is the 55th birthday of famed New York Times crossword
editor Will ______ (six letters, starts with S).

Tom
Ridge, 62, as first head of Homeland Security he regularly
exposed the nation to an "elevated risk" of politically
motivated propaganda, pioneering the practice of using trumped-up
terror press conferences to distract attention from White
House screw-ups.

John Breneman’s "This Day in (Revisionist) History"
appears in the Boston Sunday Herald.

Related story: Tom
Ridge’s
Homeland Security horoscope

THIS DAY in (REVISIONIST) HISTORY — Aug. 19

Massachusetts struck a blow for the Colonies’ "War
on Witchcraft” on this day in 1692, executing five people
found guilty of dabbling in the dark arts.

Evidence
included eye of newt, a broom and the testimony of
several mischievous young girls. Capital-punishment fans hailed
the hangings and scoffed at concerns that an innocent person
might be put to death for sorcery.

However, a recent review of the case using a modern investigative
technique called "common sense" revealed the so-called
"Salem 5" probably were not guilty of witchcraft.

On this day in 1812, the U.S.S. Constitution roughed
up the British frigate Guerriere off Nova Scotia, earning
the nickname "Old Ironsides." It is now a
popular tourist vessel docked at the Charlestown Navy Yard,
where these days it receives better care than the piece of
paper it was named after.

Afghanistan gained its independence from Great Britian
on this day in 1919, soon realizing its destiny as a poverty-wracked,
opium-producing haven for terrorists.

On this day in 1929, the radio comedy "Amos and Andy"
made its national debut, entertaining millions with racially
offensive stereotypes.

The first Soap Box Derby was held in Ohio on this
day in 1934. The Budweiser car emerged victorious,
hitting the finish line seconds before tiny vehicles plastered
with Viagra and Marlboro logos.

Finally, child monarch Mary Queen of Scots, 18, returned
from a rehab stint in France on this day in 1561. Her
publicist said the 16th century hellcat crashed her
Cabriolet while trying to elude the paparazzi.

On today’s birthday blotter:

Bill
Clinton turns 61. Sources close to the former president’s
belly say he plans to celebrate with a big cake and some ice
cream and Twinkies and potato chips and Quarter-Pounders and
doughnuts and Kentucky Fried Chicken and …

Advisers are urging actor Fred Thompson (star of "Law
& Order: Political Opportunists Unit") to mark his
65th birthday with a vigorous game of pin the tail on the
Romney.

Birthday gal Tipper Gore, 59, has invited friends
over to burn some Marilyn Manson CDs and play the environmentally
correct parlor game, Inconvenient Truth or Dare.

Gone but not forgotten:

Born tiny on this day in 1931, legendary jockey Willie
Shoemaker died in 2003 but revealed in his memoir that
he was always happiest with a half-ton beast between his legs.

Finally, a V-fingered Vulcan salute to "Star Trek"
creator Gene Roddenberry (1921-1991), who in 1997 joined
fellow dead space cadet Timothy Leary on a funeral rocket
to "boldly go where no tube of cremated ashes has gone
before."

John Breneman’s "This Day in (Revisionist) History"
appears in the Boston Sunday Herald.