Dog Fighting League probed

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Dog Fighting League faces uncertain future


Even the most savage combatants in the Dog Fighting
League face the constant risk
of injury.

By John Breneman

The Pittsburgh Pit Bulls mauled the Philadelphia Beagles
14-3 last night in a vicious DFL showdown that has drawn the
attention of animal-rights watchdogs, FBI bloodhounds and
rabid fans.

In other Dog Fighting League action: The Cleveland Curs dominated
the Baltimore Bitches, the Oakland Rottweilers abused the
underdog New Orleans Saint Bernards and the heavily favored
Chicago Bullmastiffs were savaged by the Kansas City Chihuahuas.

The indictment of the league’s poster boy, NFL superstar
Michael Vick, has shined a harsh spotlight on the underground
world of extreme canine brutality. But DFL analysts suggest
investigators instead probe an organization that grooms chemically
enhanced human beings to engage in violent combat for entertainment
purposes — the National Football League.

In tonight’s DFL matchups: The Miami Mongrels attack the
Jacksonville Jugulars, the Green Bay Puggers take on the Fighting
Irish Setters of Notre Dame and the Miami Mongrels are crated
up and shipped to Motown where they hope to disembowel the
Detroit Dachshunds, despite a hamstring injury to league MVP
(Most Valuable Pooch) Killer #247.

At stake is the saliva-covered league championship trophy
and a lavish prize package that includes a 10-pound sack of
Alpo and one full week without being beaten, shot or electrocuted.

Related story:
Ex-Chihuahua
sues Paris Hilton
Sept. 6, 2006

Corgis
dream of Iditarod glory
Aug. 15, 2004

Comments (0) Aug 01 2007

Springfield (Mass.) man tells of work on ‘Simpsons Movie’

Posted: under Uncategorized.


Mike Scully, "Simpsonized"

Scully, a longtime "Simpsons" writer
and producer, hails from
West Springfield, Mass.
CLICK
HERE for a fun graphic comparing his Springfield
with the fictional home of
"The Simpsons."

No place like Homer

Massachusetts scribe Mike Scully

tells of work on ‘Simpsons Movie’

By John Breneman

What’s a mild-mannered jokester from Springfield doing
in a place like . . . Springfield?

Living the dream, you might say. And in Mike Scully’s
dream, all the people are bright yellow. They screw up every
week, but their dysfunctional family is true blue. And now
they’re headed for the silver screen.

Anticipating the Friday release of “The Simpsons Movie,”
Scully — a producer and writer on the series and blockbuster
film — took a few moments to discuss his improbable journey
from West Springfield, Mass., to the animated Springfield
(location: undisclosed) inhabited by Homer, Bart and the rest
of the metropolis’ four-fingered citizenry.

Scully is a 50-year-old family man whose adopted clan debuted
as a strange cartoon in 1987 and evolved into an American
cultural phenomenon (in 1999, Time magazine named “The
Simpsons” the 20th century’s best TV show).

But growing up in West Springfield, Scully said, “I had
hoped to be a musician or a hockey player.” The music
thing didn’t work out. But hey, sitting on a couch going
over a script with Mick Jagger ain’t a bad consolation
prize.

“I definitely wanted to break into comedy,” said
Scully, but “I really had no reason to believe I could
succeed at this.” Nevertheless, he packed his bags for
the proverbial trip to L.A., knowing he could always “go
back to Springfield and get a job as a janitor or a driving
instructor,” the last two positions he held before moving
to California.


Humor writer helped
Stones paint it yellow

Longtime “Simpsons” writer and producer
Mike Scully says he’ll never forget “the
days Mick Jagger and Keith Richard came in.”
The Stones rolled in to voice a 2002 episode (“How
I Spent My Strummer Vacation,” written by Scully),
in which the family takes Homer to a rock ’n’
roll fantasy camp.

"Mick’s manager came in and said ‘Mick
would like to see you in the green room.’ He
patted the couch for me to sit down next to him.
He had the script in his hand. … We went through
the script page by page,” said Scully. “On
the outside, I was trying to project the image of
a television professional, but on the inside I was
screaming like a 12-year-old girl: ‘Oh my God,
it’s Mick Jagger!’”

Also among the countless musical acts who have “appeared”
on “The Simpsons,” Michael Jackson, Britney
Spears, Kid Rock, Willie Nelson, Elton John, 50
Cent, Aerosmith, The Who and U2.

Scully got his start penning punch lines for Ukrainian yukster
Yakov Smirnoff and honed his craft at comedy amateur nights
(“stand-up comedy with the emphasis on amateur”),
which he now describes as “a crash course on how to write
jokes.”

The aspiring humorist bought some old TV scripts (“Taxi”
among them) to teach himself the half-hour comedy format and
began “bouncing around Hollywood working on some of the
lousiest sitcoms in history.”

His break came when then-executive producer David Mirkin read
some sample scripts and hired him to work on “The Simpsons,”
long known for hiring Harvard talent. “I started as a
writer on the show in 1993,” said Scully, who attended
Holyoke Community College for one day.

In retrospect, he said, “I think if I had actually succeeded
at college and gotten a degree in accounting or something,
I might have given up too quickly on writing. Having no marketable
job skills was a tremendous incentive to keep trying to succeed
as a writer.”

Scully considers himself “incredibly lucky” to have
hooked up with “The Simpsons,” now the longest-running
sitcom in American history (surpassing “The Adventures
of Ozzie and Harriet”).

The show has won 23 Emmy Awards and a Peabody. Time named
Bart Simpson one of the 20th century’s 100 most influential
“people” and Homer’s signature catchphrase
— “D’oh!” — is now listed in the Oxford English
Dictionary.

As for the movie, Scully said it was fun doing “certain
scenes that would have a visual scope and scale that just
wasn’t possible on the series.”

Eighteen years in the making, “The Simpsons Movie”
is receiving intense promotion. Homer appeared at the baseball
All-Star Game and on “The Tonight Show.” Select
7-Elevens were converted into Kwik-E-Marts. Burger King is
on board, sponsoring simpsonizeme.com (upload a photo to see
a Simpsonized version of yourself or a friend). And the nation’s
leading Springfields squared off in a contest to host the
premiere (Vermont won despite a Bay State Springfield pitch
featuring an appeal by Sen. Ted Kennedy, the inspiration for
Springfield Mayor "Diamond Joe" Quimby).

“Simpsons” creator Matt Groening appeared on “The
Daily Show With Jon Stewart” on Wednesday and shared
this nugget about the creative process, “Homer falls
in love with a pig and the rest just wrote itself.”

Scully says he’s had to remain pretty tight-lipped about
the plot, even though one of his gags involving Bart and some
full-frontal cartoon nudity has appeared on one of the trailers.

“My
own family didn’t even know what the script was,”
he said.

Scully’s wife, Julie Thacker, is also a comedy writer;
together they co-created “The Pitts” for Fox and
“Complete Savages” for ABC. They have five daughters
ages 17-24. His brother, Brian Scully, is a writer on “Family
Guy.”

One secret to “The Simpsons’ ” success is itsemphasis
on family and community values.

At the beginning of each episode, the Simpson family gathers
(to put it mildly) at the couch, in effect inviting all of
us to join them in front of the TV. Their hometown of Springfield,
said Scully, “is supposed to represent Anytown, USA.”

So for Scully, “It’s a huge kick when somebody tells
me it’s one of the few things the family does together
as a family is watch ‘The Simpsons.’ ”

A “Simpsons” musical CD (“Testify”) is
set to drop in September, timed to coincide with the start
of season 19. Having now surpassed 400 episodes, Scully said
of the show, “I think it has become an institution in
this country.”

The Oscar buzz hasn’t started yet but “I know the
expectations are really high and we certainly hope we don’t
disappoint anybody,” said Scully, joking that he’s
been on a “one-man mission to lower expectations.”

So what happens? Scully’s not saying, but (spoiler alert)
“I can tell you that Homer does something stupid.”

John
Breneman is an editor and writer at the Boston Herald.
The above story appeared in the Herald on July 22, 2007.

Comments (0) Jul 26 2007

Bush docs secure ‘Brown Zone’

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Operation
Polyps: Bush
doctors secure ‘Brown Zone’

By Ernie Pyles

WASHINGTON — Army phycisians revealed yesterday that they
extracted a large insect known as the Saddamus Husseinious
from the rectum of President George W. Bush during his weekend
surgery and expressed wonder that the commnader in chief had
apparently been living with such a giant Iraqi bug up his
ass for more than a decade.

"If we’d only known he had the Saddam bug up his ass
seven years ago, we’d have extracted it then and maybe spared
our nation a giant wretched smelly mess," said Army surgeon
Lt. Col. Wink Martindale. "As it was, it was pretty deeply
embedded in the colonic wall and we had to use an improvised
explosive scalpel to get it out."

The White House issued a statement declaring that Bush was
"whiny and uncomfortable" and that the president
hoped "the brief but intense surge he is currently experiencing
would allow for a smooth transition to a more cohesive and
stable movement in the direction of regularity … in Iraq,
I mean, of course."

The
Saddamus bug is described as a cross between a giant tick
and a giant sand weevil. Doctors said they were forced to
decapitate the painful insect with a makeshift surgical noose
and extract its body followed by its head.

Related stories:
Cheney
accidentally detonates nuclear weapon
Feb. 14,
2006

French
doctors perform first ass transplant
Dec. 5,
2005

Comments (0) Jul 25 2007

Sharpton slaps Santa for ‘ho’

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Sharpton
slaps Santa for saying ‘ho’

By
Chris Elliott

The
Rev. Al Sharpton
has set his sights on the North Pole
over what he calls "Santa’s casual and constant use of
the word ‘ho’."

"Calling
any woman a ‘ho’ is demeaning and abusive and it should not
be tolerated on any level. With Santa it’s always, ho this,
and ho that, and then pretty soon it’s ho ho ho with that
fat old cracker," said Sharpton. "People cut him
slack because of his philanthropy, but I am tired of watching
him denigrate our beautiful black sisters. I didn’t let Imus
get away with it and, as popular as he is, Santa won’t get
away with it either. Racism in America is perpetuated by ignorance
and hate, and I plan to micromanage the language people are
permitted to use by claiming that the word ‘ho’ is a setback
to civil rights and the advancement of equality."

Santa issued the following terse statement via reindeer express:
"Tell Sharpton I’m making him a Tawana Brawley doll.
It tells lies until you slap it around a little bit, ho ho
ho!"

Related story:
Bush
eyes Santa for Cabinet post
Dec. 19, 2006

Comments (0) Jul 12 2007

Revisionist History — July 1

Posted: under Uncategorized.

THIS DAY in (REVISIONIST) HISTORY — July 1

On
this day in 1862, Russia founded its national library,
with fines for overdue books starting at 10 years had labor
down in the gulag.

On this day in 1874, America’s first zoo opened in
Philadelphia, featuring daily battles bewteen the donkeys
and the elephants.

On this day in 1881, the first international telephone
call took place between New Brunswick, Canada, and Calais,
Maine. Several months later, a pizza arrived.

On this day in 1979, Sony introduced its new technologival
marvel, the Walkman, a gadget capable of playing music
on something called a "cassette tape."

On this day in 1987, excavation began on the Channel Tunnel,
but work was suspended when Col. Klink and Sgt. Schultz found
out about the scheme.

On this day in 1991, Court TV made its debut. It has
since lost its appeal.

BIRTHS

William Strunk Jr. (1869-1946): co-author of "The
Elements of Style," a classic book that teaches Americans
how to write good.

Estée Lauder (1906-2004): cosmetics entrepreneur
who made a fortune tricking women into buying expensive salves
and potions.

Olivia de Havilland, 91: actress, won Oscar for "Gone
With the Wind," then starred in the classic driver’s-ed
safety vidio "Gone With the Windshield."

Jamie Farr, 73: actor best known as Cpl. Max Klinger
on "M*A*S*H," also turned up in "Star Trek
14" as the wacky, cross-dressing Cpl. Max Klingon.

Fred Schneider, 66: singer with the B-52’s, later
performed with the F-16s and the M-2 Bradley Armored Infantry
Vehicles.

Dan Aykroyd, 55: inventor of the Bass-O-Matic, first
Conehead to star in a major motion picture.

Princess Diana (1961-1997): beloved yet doomed fairy-tale
princess who thought she was marrying a dashing British prince
but ended up with a boring, old toad.

Pamela Anderson, 40: actress, former star of "Baywatch"
and "home Improvement" is set to star in a cosmetic-surgery
reality show called "Ho Improvement."

Comments (0) Jul 01 2007

Tie goes to the father

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Tie
goes to the father

What’s that, chum? Father’s Day kind of snuck up on you again.
Well, no need to panic. Heartfelt gifts for Dad can be found
just about anywhere — from Wal-Mart to the corner Pump ‘n’
Pay. These last-second surprises are sure to let Dad know
exactly how much you care:

Tube
socks —
Dad’ll feel like a million bucks in these $1.99
beauties — each emblazoned with the three horizontal "racing
stripes" that say "he’s the man."

Tie — Wait’ll the boys at the office get a load of
Dad in this swell corporate-looking necktie – fashioned from
durable, non-flame-retardant polyester.

Coffee mug — His eyes’ll twinkle like they did on
the day you were born when he sees this one-of-a-kind "World’s
Greatest Dad" mug. Plus, if you’re a total loser, this
completes a set of six.

Skin Bracer aftershave — Who needs fancy $50 male
cologne products when every Dad knows there’s nothing more
exhilarating than a splash of Skin Bracer to start the day!?!

Pack of smokes — This one’s a no-brainer if Pop’s
a smoker. But hey, who cares what that bossy Surgeon General
says, Dad’ll love how the intoxicating blend of tar and nicotine
makes him feel manly and super cool.

Slippers — Comfort is important to hard-working dads
in their leisure time and these lightweight Taiwanese "mock-asins"
are perfect for kicking back in the La-Z-Boy. (Newspaper not
included.)

Can of mixed nuts — These generic morsels pack a
party in every can. Coupled with a Post-It note reading "I’m
nuts about Dad," this item helps you express the true
meaning of Father’s Day.

Roll of duct tape — Perfect for household projects
or Homeland Security preparedness, this space-age super-product
will help Dad feel like the ultimate handy man.

Ice scraper — Dad’s heart will melt when he sees
much thought you put into his gift. And when the snow flies
six months from now, he’ll be ready — tackling stubborn windshield
ice with taunts of "Who’s your daddy?"

Greeting card — Though it actually requires some
thought, devoted offspring often like to compose a personalized
message for Dad on his special day (example: "You’re
a champ, Pops!"), while creative types may add a "heart"
symbol to underscore their affection.

Lighter — Give Dad the ability to make fire with
just the flick of his thumb. He’ll be so grateful, he’ll bust
out the drinks and T-bones and fire up the grill — instant
barbecue!

Comments (0) Jun 14 2007

Zombie industry booming despite Zombie scandal

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Zombie industry booming despite Zombie
scandal

By
John Breneman

Raging, cannibalistic zombies hauled in $10 million at the
box office last weekend, causing much rejoicing throughout
the zombie community.

Zombies also made inroads in the financial community with
the news that Geico’s new multimillion-dollar ad campaign
would feature the slogan: "So easy a zombie can do it!"

However, there is also bad news for the soulless demographic.

Rock musician Rob Zombie, one of the nation’s best-known
bogeymen and a role model for a generation of young mutants,
is not an actual zombie, the Humor Gazette has learned.

In fact, documents reveal that Zombie is not even Mr. Zombie’s
real name. Born Robert Bartleh Cummings in Massachusetts,
he is a 1983 graduate of Haverhill High School, where he was
voted "Most Likely to Devour the Flesh of a Rotting Human
Corpse."

Mr. Zombie, whose body of work includes such sensitive numbers
as "Superbeast," "The Devil’s Rejects"
and "Scum of the Earth," is considered a pioneer
in the genre of satanic, sub-grunge anti-pop.

However,
even though he has mastered zombie habits like gnawing on
people’s necks and staggering around trancelike with his arms
extended, his image has been bloodied by the allegation that
he is not a real zombie, but a Massachusetts-born, monster
wannabe.

Local 666, International Brotherhood of the Undead released
a statement saying it became suspicious of Mr. Zombie when
it learned he is only 41. Most zombies are anywhere from several
hundred to a couple thousand years old. It also noted that
Mr. Zombie is "a masterful self-promoter," whereas
most zombies avoid publicity like the morning sun.

In other zombie news:
MUSIC — Zombies reunion tour leaves thousands dead
in Cleveland
SPORTS — Hard-hitting Zombies slaughter Yankees, 18-2
POLITICS — Homeland Security raises zombie alert level
to "Blood-Curdling"
NIGHTLIFE — Local watering holes breathe new life
into "The Zombie"
WEATHER — Swarm of Category 4 zombies moving in from
the northwest

Related reading:
"Everything
You Ever Wanted to Know About Zombies But Were Too Horrified
to Ask"

New movies:
"Revenge
of the Living Dead 5: Dibs on the Brain Meat"

Comments (0) May 15 2007

Revisionist History — May 13

Posted: under Uncategorized.

This Day in Revisionist History — May
13

PARIS HILTON

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — A bumbling
underling causes you to be incarcerated. However,
everything should be fine if you refuse to let naysayers
limit your superficiality. Remember, you’ll always
have yourself. Stay hot.

On this day in 1607, English colonists landed near
Virginia’s Jame River led by a man claiming his name was John
Smith
. Yeah, sure pal.

On this day in 1846, the United States declared war on
Mexico
in a dispute over whether people crossing the border
needed any "stinking badges."

On this day in 1888, Brazil abolished slavery, prompting
celebrations all along Harriet Tubman’s Amazon Railroad.

On this day in 1888, DeWolf Hopper first recited "Casey
at the Bat,"
prompting immediate allegations that the
slugger was made "mighty" by steroids.

On this day in 1917, three peasant children reported seeing
the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. However, she
disappeared by the time the paparazzi arrived.

On this day in 1958, Velcro registed its trademark,
prompting the "Great Shoelace Industry Panic of ’58."

Today’s Birthdays:

Pope Innocent XIII (1655-1724): former pontiff, no
relation to Pope Not Guilty and Pope Nolo Contendre.

Joe Louis (1914-1981): boxing great, knocked out Nazi
pugilist Max Schmeling in 1938, leaving Hitler with a nasty
welt.

Beatrice Arthur, 85: actress, her battles with Archie
Bunker rank among the greatest heavyweight bouts of the 1970s.

Stevie Wonder, 57: singer, his "Ebony and Ivory"
duet with Paul McCartney sparked claims of racial discrimination
from Asians, Latinos and Native Americans.

Dennis Rodman, 46: basketball player, led NBA eight
straight seasons in offensive tattoos.


Comments (0) May 13 2007

Captain America R.I.P

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Court
battle erupts over
Captain America’s remains

By John Breneman

The shocking death of Captain America at the hands of a sniper
last week has sparked a furious courtroom battle over where
the iconic superhero and World War II veteran should be buried.

Iron Man testified that Captain America once told him he
wanted to be laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery.
However, that is considered unlikely because he refused to
submit to a Bush administration policy requiring mandatory
federal registration of all superheroes.

Mr. America believed the policy violated his civil liberties,
putting him at the center of the debate individual rights
versus national security
and causing President Bush to accuse
him of "undermining the troops" and "emboldening
the enemy." After surrendering to face charges of violating the superhero
registration law, he was gunned down while being led into
federal court.

Born Steve Rogers on July 4, 1917, and known as Cap to those
closest to him, Mr. America first achieved fame for battling
the Nazis during World War II and Commies during the 1950s.

Longtime friend the Sub-Mariner claims Caption America wanted
to be buried in a block of ice in the North Atlantic, but
fellow Avenger the Human Torch told the National Enquirer,
"Cap always said that, when the time came, he wanted
me to cremate him."

Related stories:
Bush
rushes home to attend funeral of Capt. America

Unconfirmed Sources

Bin
Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote
— March 28, 2004

Comments (0) Mar 12 2007

Anna Nicole baby to enter rehab

Posted: under Uncategorized.

Anna
Nicole baby to enter rehab

By
John Breneman

Distraught by round-the-clock TV drivel about her mother’s
decomposing body and her father’s identity, Anna Nicole Smith’s
5-month-old daughter, Dannielynn, has checked into rehab for
treatment of depression, exhaustion and media exploitation.

Sources say the tiny pawn in this sordid made-for-reality-TV
commentary on American society is undernourished because the
former stripper and girlie mag starlet wanted her baby to
be "sexy."

The troubled infant’s agent claims Playboy is offering $1
million in a bidding war for exclusive nude ultrasound photos.

Rumors are rampant that the Smith-Stern-Marshall-Prince Von
Anhalt-Birkhead baby has subsisted largely on TrimSpa formula
and Gerber’s methadone puree since birth and has difficulty
breast-feeding because she rejects anything smaller than a
42DDD.

Maybe someday they’ll get around to a DNA test to determine
the baby’s daddy, but until then don’t be surprised to see
Kevin Federline, Larry the Cable Guy and Scooty Libby’s names
come up at the paternity inquisition.

Next: Geraldo demands a canine custody hearing to determine
who gets Sugar Pie, if the drug-addled toy poodle hasn’t already
OD’d.

Media analysts say it is no surprise the busty blonde train
wreck knocked the astronaut diaper scandal from the spotlight,
since she once drove 1,200 miles in Depends just to score
a bag of crystal meth.

In life, she banged her way from a humble Texas strip club
to the United
States Supreme Court
. Now a kangaroo court judge has
awarded custody of her remains to Dannielynn for burial in
the Bahamas. Saddest of all, Anna Nicole Smith will never
realize her dream of dangling her daughter over a hotel balcony
in Vegas.

Related story:
Anna
Nicole’s Supreme Court sex romp
March 1, 2006


Comments (0) Feb 23 2007