Tang
to blame in astronaut love triangle

By
John Breneman

The deranged diaper-assed astronaut who drove from Texas
to Florida to confront a romantic rival may have been under
the influence of Tang.

Toxicology tests revealed that Lisa Nowak’s bloodstream contained
more than five times the recommended daily allowance of Tang,
the powdery orange beverage favored by astronauts since 1965.

The flighty spacewoman, whose car was littered with empty
baby bottles containing Tang residue, allegedly confronted
Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman armed with a knife, a BB gun,
some pepper spray, a light saber and a Star Trek phaser set
on "stun."

Unconfirmed reports suggest Nowak was also in possession
of a $14.2 billion NASA robotic arm and may have been planning
to bitch slap Shipman. Authorities said Nowak wore a diaper
so she could make Apollo 1 or 2 without having to stop her
car.

NASA spokesman George W. Jetson said America’s astronauts
are under so much stress they occasionally need to "blast
off" some steam, "but not like those postal workers."

Asked about reports of fornication and toga parties aboard
the International Space Station, Jetson said, "What happens
in a low-gravity environment stays in a low-gravity environment."

The makers of Tang refused to comment on any connection between
their product and freakish astronaut murder plots.

Related stories:
Crack
found in foam of shuttle fuel tank — July 4, 2006

Shuttle
repair costs ‘out of this world’ — Aug. 3, 2005

Groundhog
predicts six more weeks of sectarian violence

By John Breneman

Punxsutawney Phil, the famed Groundhog Day prognosticator,
spied a shadowy figure outside his burrow this morning and
forecast six more weeks of war.

The fuzzy, buck-toothed prophet foresees a bloody springtime
outside the Green Zone marred by Karbala car bombings and
Baghdad body bags. He also dropped a heinous stinkbomb said
to portend rising gas prices.

A White House spokesman dismissed the reports, blaming them
on the liberal, pro-groundhog news media, then scurried back
into his heavily fortified underground bunker. But not before
President Bush pledged to smoke the varmint out of its Saddam
Hussein hole for "emboldening the terrorists."

The groundhog also predicted continuing tensions between
elephants and donkeys in Washington.

But
with all the commotion over Punxsutawney Phil and Gobbler’s
Knob on Groundhog Day, the East Coast, pro-human news media
has once again neglected equally deserving members of the
animal kingdom.

For example: We know that, in most cultures, if the livestock
act jittery it means a devastating earthquake or tornado is
coming soon, maybe a tsunami. But few humans are aware that
indigenous people in the jungles of South America look to
the agile spider monkey to help determine when the rainy season
will come.

If the spider monkey is seen hanging by its tail from a tree
limb munching a fistful of berries, the rainy season will
come at the normal time. However, if the monkey is seen chain-smoking
a pack of Marlboro 100s, it means corporate interests will
defoliate the rain forest in 17 days.

In many coastal communities, the great white shark has long
been used to predict whether the coming tourist season will
be economically bountiful or lean. If a shark’s fin is spotted
in the shallow water near the beach, it is believed the season
may be marred by gruesome tragedy and subpar revenues.

Insects like the common housefly have demonstrated an uncanny
knack for predicting the unexpected arrival of one’s mother-in-law,
and the cuddly koala has been known to give profitable insider
tips to stock brokers dabbling in the volatile eucalyptus
market.

In some segments of the scientific community, it is believed
that if a single-call protozoan life form being examined under
an electron microscope sees its shadow and begins to undergo
meiotic division of its nuclei, there will be six more weeks
of accelerated binary fission. And, of course, many leading
zoologists favor a new American holiday recognizing the amazing
powers of the Shetland pony, the pygmy sperm whale or the
mud dauber wasp.

Related story:
Global
warming caused by increased activity in Hell

Truthiness in the No Spin Zone

By
John Breneman

Did you see the bizarro world meeting between the nation’s
most bombastic ego and the truthy satirist who plays him on
cable TV?

Yes, it was Bill O’Reilly meets Stephen Colbert — the first-ever
No Spin Zone Twilight Zone Colbert Nation Lovefest Smackdown.
(Palooza?) These two titans of broadcasting traded appearances
on each other’s programs last night, "The O’Reilly Factor"
(top-rated cable news show, 8 p.m. on Fox) and "The Colbert
Report" (11:30 p.m. on Comedy Central).

Hosting first was O’Reilly, the blustery master of sound
and fury signifying whatever he tells his viewers/devotees
it signifies. Later, O’Reilly’s visit was trumpeted as a historic
summit by Colbert, widely acclaimed for wielding irony like
a blunt instrument in his O’Reilly-based persona.

"You’re about to watch me enter a No Spin Zone,"
Colbert said at the top of his show, having confessed earlier
to the man he calls Papa Bear that O’Reilly’s version of "no
spin" gives him "vertigo."

Colbert had also admitted that "emulating" O’Reilly
was taking a toll. "I haven’t seen my kids in 18 months
and I’m losing calcium in my bones," the actor told O’Reilly
on "The Factor."

"What keeps you going?" he asked. "Jesus Christ
or Pat Robertson’s protein shakes?" Just a little jab
at O’Reilly’s prominent stature among the religious righteous.

Back in Colbert Nation, Fauxreilly set the stage by unveiling
a mischievous "Mission Accomplished" banner to commemorate
his own ability get O’Reilly on the show (and to tweak conservatism’s
blind loyalty to the bumbling war president).

Colbert then excitedly opened the last door on "my Bill
O’Reilly advent calendar," complete with the beatific
Baby O’Reilly in the manger.

Colbert’s genius extends to gesture, as when he disarmed
O’Reilly’s "Culture War" cult of personality by
slapping a 30% off sticker over the self-important author’s
book cover mug (evoking David Letterman’s famous "About
60% of what you say is crap" in-your-facer to the TV
bully).

When Colbert popped his most loaded question — "Which
is destroying America more: activist judges, gay marriage,
illegal immigration or NBC?" — Blowreilly gobbled the
bait and blurted "NBC." (He also weaved in this
fair and balanced analysis of The New York Times: "They’re
scum.")

O’Reilly took a shot at calling Colbert out when he characterized
the two camps in his beloved, breadwinning culture war as
"secular progressives like yourself and traditionalists
like me." And he couldn’t resist trotting out his "stoned
slacker" soundbite in reference to the audience demographic
watching "The Daily Show" and presumably "Colbert."

On his home turf, O’Reilly attempted to "nail"
his mocker by accusing him of having changed the pronunciation
of his last name from Colbert with a hard T to the French-sounding
Colbert.

At one point O’Reilly awkwardly bellowed, "Are you COL-bert
or Col-BEAR?!?" Colbert, who must have been cracking
up inside, simply praised his host for the gale-force volume
of his question.

During O’Reilly’s interview we learned that Colbert’s middle
name is Tyrone. (Or did we?) Regular viewers already know
he regards bears as "giant marauding godless killing
machines."

Afterward, he brought in talking heads to ask them why people
love Colbert yet loathe O’Reilly, who is regularly named the
day’s "Worst Person on the World" on MSNBC’s "Countdown
with Keith Olbermann" and who is immortalized in such
lefty books as "Sweet Jesus, I Hate Bill O’Reilly"
and "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and
Balanced Look at the Right" by Al Franken (O’Reilly sued
in a failed attempt to block distribution of the latter book,
which describes him as "a lying, splotchy bully").

One of the heads (Bernard Goldberg, Fox News Analyst) concluded,
"We live in a cynical age," therefore "smart-ass
wiseguys" are seen as "cutting edge." (Finally.)
The anti-O’Reilly concluded his big day by revealing that
he had stolen a large microwave oven from the Fox studio.

DISCLOSURE:
Roger Ailes, president of Fox News, includes my Web site (www.HumorGazette.com)
on his "Enemies List" (rogerailes.blogspot.com),
making me a card-carrying member of the liberal smart-ass
wiseguy media.

Critics praise President
Bush’s
‘breathing space’ for Iraq speech

By
John Breneman

President George W. Bush’s historic Jan. 10 call to send
more young Americans to their deaths in order to give the
Iraqi government some
"breathing space" was yet another spellbinding
piece of oratory.

But when future generations assess the legacy of our silver-tongued
leader, they will look first to several more memorable addresses.

For example, who could forget President Bush’s rollicking
January
2006 attempt to use standup
to make the terrorists stand down, his encore three months
later as commander-in-cheek, or his March 2006 pledge that America can only
fail in Iraq if we "lose
our nerve"?

And, of course, many historians believe the Rev. Martin Luther
King’s stirring "I have a dream" rhetoric will one
day be obscured by Mr. Bush’s now-legendary "I
think about Iraq every day" speech of June
20, 2005.

Asked what he thought of Dick Cheney’s load of bull about
the insurgency being in its "last throes" when violence
there is actually increasing, the president disarmed the blatantly
anti-patriotic question by saying, "I think about Iraq
every day — every single day."

The oratorical stylings of Pres. George W. Bush — March 28, 2006

As the world heaved a great sigh of relief to learn that
the man who started the war actually finds time to mull it
over each day, Bush shoveled on even more reassurance by saying,
"I understand we have troops in harm’s way…"

Critics said then that Bush’s keen understanding of the fact
that he is getting people killed "every day" suggested
he might be adopting a more realistic view of Iraq than that
laid out in his now-historic "Mission
Accomplished" address.

The president revealed that not only does he think about
his own personal Iraqi hellhole "every single day,"
he admitted that some days he thinks of it two or three times.
Maybe even half a dozen times on Monday after the weekend
death toll numbers come in.

A White House memo obtained by IBS News confirmed that some
random thought or another about Iraq crept into the president’s
brain 57 times so far this month alone. Sources say that early
on in the war, President Bush occasionally forgot to think
about Iraq until Condoleezza Rice gave him a string to wear
on his finger.

Fortunately, President Bush also realizes that the fate of
the world rests with his ability to not accidentally destroy
it, a fact he articulated brilliantly in his memorable Oct.
3, 2004, "Bein’
president is hard work" speech.

The hard work can range from pronouncing wacky names like
"Abu
Ghraib" to deftly fielding trick questions as
he did April 14, 2004, in his inspirational "I’m
sure something will pop into my head" speech.

Many veteran Bush watchers give the president high marks
for his provocative "breathing space" address, but
most agree it will be difficult for him to surpass the startling
audacity of his March 26, 2004, comic bomb — the spine-tickling
oratory of "Those
WMDs must be around here somewhere."

Election
2004 flashback:
HUMOR GAZETTE ‘ENDORSES’ GEORGE
W. BUSH — Aug. 27, 2004

By
Dr. Newt Trishon

Today’s topic: How to shed those unwanted pounds of blubber
we all put on during the holidays.

Many noted experts say the secret is diet and exercise.

That’s right, some would have you believe you must limit
the amount of junk (the official nutritional term is "crap")
that you shove into your piehole and ALSO find it within your
lethargic soul to engage in some annoying regimen of actual
physical activity.

Well, fortunately there are plenty of crackpot alternatives.
For example, many people find they just don’t have much of
an appetite for exercise. For these torpid lard-cans, the
answer is simple: Hire an exorcist.

Hi, I’m Patti Arbuckle. I lost 452 pounds thanks to the Humor Gazette Diet, and you can too.

A competent exorcist can be found in the Yellow Pages (under
"Satanic consultants"). For a reasonable fee, the
exorcist will summon the powers of the underworld to literally
"burn those extra pounds away." And, you can eat
as much charred flesh of of cloven-hoofed animals as you desire.

There are also surgical options to consider, though it is
important to warn you that liposuction is for suckers and
gastric bypass is passé.

Instead, try this revolutionary new method described in the
January edition of the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine.

It’s
called a Staple-Gunectomy.

Simply press the loaded staple gun against your abdomen,
fix your face in a determined grimace, and fire away. Five
or six staples will usually do the trick.

Of course, there are many other valid approaches to "slashing
the old spare tire." The Humor
Gazette Diet is a proven favorite that has survived
the test of time and litigation.
Other new fad diets include:

South Pole Beach Diet: Simply go to the South Pole
(be sure to pack a warm parka, some mittens and a 14-inch,
whale-flaying knife). Upon arrival, set up your insulated
tent on the beach at Point Barrow and just shiver those calories
away. Every two months, hunt and kill a small baleen whale.
Enjoy.

Fear Factor Diet: Allow yourself nothing but maggots
and goat entrails for two weeks. You may eat a little the
first day, but studies show your appetite will quickly fade.

Broken Jaw Diet: Simply suffer a broken jaw and have
a qualified physician wire your mandible shut. Then utilize
an ordinary household straw to consume your meals. Repeat
as necessary.

Editor’s note: Readers are invited to share diet
tips and ideas for "dumping that extra kiloton"
in the Comments section below.

Related stories:
The
People vs. Ronald McDonald — July 30, 2002

Ronald
McDonald undergoes ‘McMakeover’ — June 10, 2005

Tang,
sweet Tang — July 27, 2005

Awesome
site plug: "Runway
Ready"

My gorgeous wife Debbie writes a smokin’ fashion blog over
at the newspaper where I used to work and she still works,
the Portsmouth (N.H.) Herald. Visit "Runway
Ready" for her fun look at fashion, downtown
Portsmouth and the whole pop-culture scene.

Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in
fiscal ’06

By John Breneman

Al Qaeda Inc. (NYSE: AQI) reported a 3.6% drop in revenues
for the fourth quarter of fiscal 2006, but an annual report
released today assures shareholders that senior-level executives
remain committed to their bid for a hostile takeover of humanity.

While the international terrorist consortium boasted a modest
2.6% increase in "infidel slayings," it also acknowledged
increasing difficulty filling entry-level suicide bomber positions.
Sources say the company may begin farming out low-level belt-bomb
jobs to migrant workers from Taiwan and Mexico.

The report also noted that Al Qaeda’s policy of indiscriminately
blowing up innocent Iraqi woman and children may be hurting
its public image.

A
key part of its cost-cutting strategy for 2007 includes trimming
the number of virgins promised to martyrs in the afterlife
under their pension plans. So instead of being greeted in
the great beyond by 72 nubile sluts, company suicide bombers
might instead get three Baghdad opium ho’s and a bisexual
goat.

Another blow to profits was slower-than-expected sales of
Qaeda’s anti-American video game system — Sunni PlayStation
3. Its 2007 product line includes T-shirts ("Coed Naked
Suicide Bombers" and "Martyrs Do It in the Afterlife"),
Kid Dyn-o-mite belts for "Lil’ Terrorists" and an
Allah action figure with Kung Fu grip.

Good riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead — June 9, 2006	Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio — Jan. 20, 2006	‘Madman’ Hussein to plead insanity — Nov. 28, 2005
Al-Zarqawi’s approval rating falls — Nov. 25, 2005	Terrorists revealed to be morons — July 22, 2005	London attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks — July 8, 2005
Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick — June 6, 2005	Mother’s Day card yields clues on bin Laden — May 9, 2005	Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote — March 28, 2004
Comic bomb: Bush slays ’em with WMD gag — March 26, 2004	Voice on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman — Nov. 19, 2002	Rebuilding Afghanistan in our image — Dec. 10, 2001

Study: Myrrh may be hazardous to your health

By
John Breneman

A report in this month’s Bethlehem Journal of Medicine reveals
that myrrh — once a popular Christmas and birthday gift —
can cause a variety of ailments ranging from asthma and rickets
to bubonic plague.

Complicating the apparent health risk is the fact that very
few people seem to know what myrrh actually is.

However, researchers at the University of Persia claim the
substance — a bitter, resinous powder made from the sap of
trees found in Somalia and Ethiopia — causes a range of malignant
conditions in laboratory rats. Further, one of the test rodents
began to exhibit a messianic complex.

Scientists involved in the study claim there is also powerful
anecdotal evidence to suggest that myrrh is bad for your health.

"Look, Jesus was exposed to a whole bunch of myrrh as
a baby and we all know how things turned out for him,"
said Dr. Trey Weisman, principal researcher and co-author
of the new book, "Myrrh: Get That Junk Away From Me."

Weisman warned holiday shoppers to check the labels of their
perfumes and other toiletries to make sure they are myrrh-free.

But Tiffany Murtagh, who works the cosmetics counter at Wal-Mart
in Milan, said no myrrh is found in any of today’s most popular
scents. "Myrrh is like so 2,000 years ago,"
said Murtagh, inviting a visitor to sample the new
fragrance by rapper 50 Cent — 50 Scent.

In
other news: "Frankincense is the new crystal meth."
The addictive whitish powder can be smoked or snorted, the
Humor Gazette has learned, and sources are reporting a dramatic
upswing in SWAT team raids of illegal frankincense labs throughout
the rural South and Midwest.

Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post

Kris
Kringle may be tapped to head
Department of Elf Education and Welfare or
Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development

By John Breneman

Firing Donald Rumsfeld didn’t help him
at the polls, so now President Bush hopes to boost his Grinch-like
approval numbers by naming a universally beloved figure
to a key Cabinet post.

According to completely fabricated reports, the one and only
Santa Claus has engaged in preliminary discussions about a
possible top job in the Bush administration.

Conservative pundits say the move could also be a decisive
blow in the War on Christmas.

Mr. Claus, a beloved mythical figure known primarily for
his efficient worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer, has
no prior political experience. Nevertheless, he is considered
a strong choice due to his extraordinarily high "favorability
rating." And though he is famous for hauling around a
gigantic sack, he is believed to be virtually free of political
baggage.

Mr. Claus, who has perfected a technology that enables him
to fly all over the world at lightning speeds in a reindeer-powered
sleigh, is also being considered for Secretary of Transportation.

Some Washington insiders believe Mr. Claus’ cutting-edge
work in high-speed, petroleum-free transportation could revolutionize
the future of commercial air travel.

Meanwhile, insiders at the Department of Justice confirm
that Mr. Claus’ innate ability to tell who’s been "naughty"
vs. who’s been "nice" made him an attractive candidate
to replace Alberto Gonzales as attorney general.

And several leading economists — noting Mr. Claus’ powerful
impact on the nation’s gross national product each year at
this time — suspect he may be a contender for Secretary of
Commerce.

The rotund, white-haired statesman, who makes his year-round
residence at the North Pole, may also be under consideration
to head the Department of Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development.

Others believe that Mr. Claus, the nation’s leading employer
of blue-collar elves, would be a natural for the Department
of Elf Education and Welfare.

Several Washington pundits suggest a Claus nomination would
draw strong opposition from Senate Democrats, some of whom
are convinced that — like those mythical weapons of mass
destruction — he doesn’t actually exist.

FBI
investigators will be checking Mr. Claus’ background and "checking
it twice," in part to determine whether his well-documented
"love" for little boys and girls is cause for concern.

A spokesman said Mr. Claus would not be available for comment
on a possible role in the Bush administration because he was
about to leave on a very important annual business trip. But
President Bush said he is eager to meet over milk and cookies in Washington next week when "Santa
Claus is coming to town."

Related stories:
Bush
wounded in War on Christmas — Dec. 9, 2005

Britney’s wardrobe dysfunction

By
John Breneman

Britney Spears is celebrating her much-anticipated
divorce/comeback by treating herself to a rejuvenating Celebrity
Slut Makeover at the fabulous Paris Hilton.

The luxury Hilton package includes low-rider
limos perfect for the naughty new mom eager to score a tabloid
splash by flashing her white-trash gash to the ever-present
crotcherazzi.

The vagina-centric vacation comes with a penthouse
suite at Hilton’s notorious Tramp Tower and unlimited womb
service. Hilton also offers complimentary pole-dancing
lessons and pointers on how to eat a hamburger while
humping a soapy car.

Spears also gets a free extra-small T-shirt
for her 12-week-old baby. "Mommy flashed her (BLEEP!)
with Paris Hilton and all I got was this lousy Gucci wifebeater."

A source close to Spears’ clitoris said the
pop tart loves Hilton’s A-list parties and B-movie camp
and that her September C-section isn’t slowing her down one
bit. ABC
News reported: "In less than a week, cameras
have captured Britney Spears’ nether regions on four separate
occasions."

One paparazzo claimed that when he blew up
a shot of Spears’ "junk" he was surprised to discover
some lint and loose coins, a crumpled-up Cheetos bag and one
of Hilton’s fishnet stockings.

Etiquette expert Emily Post, after being revived,
declined to comment but issued a statement reading, "Egad!
Well, I never."

Stay tuned for breaking news on Britney’s
ongoing attempts to portray a kinder, genitaler image. And,
now that pubic exposure is the sexy, hot new publicity strategy,
other celebs said to be considering flashing their anatomy
for the cameras include Star Jones, Martha Stewart and Hillary
Clinton.

Related story:
Scent
of a pop tart: Britney’s new perfume — Dec.
15, 2004

Rapper
50 Cent introduces 50 Scent — Sept. 23, 2005