By
John Breneman

Several people were hurt and 140 million Americans
sustained an estimated $9 billion in damage to their bank
accounts on Black Friday — the coordinated pre-dawn assault
on the nation’s retailers also known as "Operation Shop
and Awe."

The quest to obtain the most sophisticated video-game
weapons technology led to scattered violence, with unconfirmed
reports of Shiite shoppers targeting Sunni PlayStations in
strife-torn Circuit City.

Experts say the post-Thanksgiving economic offensive
marks the opening salvo in the annual campaign to spend billions
on material goods for Jesus’ birthday. Several wise men representing
the National Retail Federation predict U.S. shoppers will
fork over $457.4 billion before the Dec. 25 deadline.

This
despite simmering tensions between the (cheapo 42-inch plasma
TV) haves and have-nots, and heightened concern over how U.S.
policies affect the availability of Tickle Me Elmo T.M.X.

Related story:
Bush
eyes Santa for Cabinet post — Dec. 13, 2005

Lame duck pardons
turkey

Popeye stricken by tainted spinach

By John Breneman

President Bush today pardoned a turkey that had been indicted
by a federal grand jury for leaking a highly classified U.S.
government cranberry sauce recipe.

The president then thanked the feisty, feathered beast for
its service to the country and awarded it the Congressional
Medal of Freedom. The bird, identified only as "Tom Doe,"
was also pardoned for attempting to sexually assault the president
during the photo-op.

Democrats reflexively gathered outside the White House to
protest the pardon, the war, White House malfeasance and Bush’s
smirking face. One man waved a banner calling the president
"soft on turkeyism."

President Bush is reportedly holed up at his ranch/bunker
in Crawford, Texas, where he is said to be excited about an
opportunity to "clear some brush."

Related story:
Thanksgiving
down off’m Greenleaf Parsons Road

Thanksgiving
blessing #1 and #2

Curious
George goes to Vietnam

By
John Breneman

President Bush arrived in Vietnam today, poked his head out
the doorway of Air Force One and declared, "I love the
smell of democracy in the morning."

When an aide explained that Vietnam was overrun by communist
forces after America pulled out in 1975, Bush responded, "That’s
what I call ‘cut and run.’ " And when told the pungent
aroma was actually canine teriyaki being sold by a naked,
7-year-old street vendor, the president added, "Zoinks."

Ushered to a nearby podium, Bush greeted Vietnamese Prime
Minister Nguyen Tan Dung by asking, "Is your name really
Dung?" and then making a stinkface while pretending to
sniff the bewildered head of state.

The president said he hoped to discuss trade agreements and
then maybe "take a flame-thrower to some Viet Cong, for
old times’ sake."

Bush explained that he wanted to come to Vietnam back in
the early 1970s but his mom wouldn’t let him. Plus, he reasoned,
he would have risked accidentally earning some medals for
getting wounded in action and knew better than to give some
future political enemy that kind of ammunition to use against
him.

The president said sending young Americans to their deaths
in Iraq had given him a deeper appreciation for the wartime
risks he evaded as a younger man, when he weaseled his way
into, then out of, the Texas Air National Guard.

Asked
for his thoughts on the Vietnam War, Bush said, "Our
boys did a heckuva job over here. Sean Penn and Charlie Sheen.
Robin Williams. I was really bummed out when Lt. Dan lost
his legs." He lauded the Khmer Rouge as "a heckuva
bottle of wine."

Also on the president’s itinerary: a basketball game between
the Hanoi Red Menace and the Ho Chi Minh Trailblazers.

Related story:
Cheney
suffers Vietnam deferment flashback — Feb. 14,
2006

VH-1 shooting Charles Manson reality
show

By John Breneman

Negotiations for a new Charles Manson reality show on VH-1
have broken down over the notorious serial killer’s demand
that each episode end with the ritualistic slaying of two
baby gerbils and a music industry executive.

Footage has already been shot for several episodes of the
program — tentatively titled "Charlie Knows Best,"
"Manson Family Values" or "Death to the Television
Whore-Bastards."

In one, a heavily shackled Manson visits an old-folks home
and delights skeptical seniors by teaching a workshop on how
to carve Nazi insignias into their foreheads.

In another, furious when guards at California’s Corcoran
State Prison strip a tattered Farrah Fawcett poster from his
6-by-8-foot "crib," Manson sets fire to his mattress,
poops on the floor and spits into the camera 142 times.

Manson spews contempt for his rivals in one chilling segment,
fashioning a crude jailhouse shiv from a Mountain Dew can
while threatening to eat the intestinal "sweet bread"
of Hulk Hogan, Danny Bonaduce and Flavor Flav.

VH-1 insiders also are touting a special cameo in which Lynette
"Squeaky" Fromme is caught trying to assassinate
President Bush, ex-Beach Boy Brian Wilson and Oprah.

A source close to the guy who cleans the maggots out of Manson’s
beard claims the celebrity psychopath delighted producers
with his catchy signature slogan: "The streets will run
red with the Robitussin cough syrup of the non-believers!"

America
to Decider: You stink, pal

By
John Breneman

A disgruntled herd of donkeys stampeded across the nation
yesterday, leaving a trail of trampled elephant carcasses
and delivering a massive dookie-gram to the White House.

George W. Bush could not be reached for comment.

White House spiritual consultant Ted Haggard said he advised
the president to snort some crystal meth, get a massage from
a male prostitute and pray.

Millions of Americans — sick of hearing about "cut
and run" and "stay the course" and "a
vote for the Democrats is a vote for the terrorists"
— flipflopped the House of Representatives to start reclaiming
America from the crew that dragged us into the Iraq war on
phony "facts" and then botched it worse than a John
Kerry punchline.

However, a Republican spokesman expressed confidence that
Bush’s buddies on the Supreme Court would award the Senate
to the GOP.

And so, following the nastiest campaign season in memory
— negative ads featured fake mobsters, political porn and
footage of Hitler — America is ready to demand answers about
the tricks used to lead us into war and the billions of dollars
squandered once we got there.

The pundits predicted disgruntled voters would turn Tuesday’s
election into an anti-Bush smackdown, and they did. Mission
accomplished.

Kerry
tries stand-up, forced to stand down

By
John Breneman

That wacky
Josh Kerry (D-Massa … Hey Lady!), he’s got a million
of ’em. Yep, this war is a real knee-slapper. You probably
already heard the one about the blowhard politician who tried
to make a joke about the president being a clueless moron
and ended up distracting the voters from what a clueless moron
the president is.

One of Dick
Cheney‘s joke boys penned a good one for the boss
in response to the Kerry combat-boot-in-mouth incident, telling
the crowd at a campaign stop in Montana that Kerry actually
"was for the joke before he was against it."

Some troops "stuck
in Irak" also displayed a sense of humor. Perhaps
Sen. Kerry should have hired the Humor Gazette to knock out
a couple of Iraq gut-busters.

JOKE #1
Q: How many brave but undermanned, underequipped U.S. troops
does it take to wage an idiot president’s unnecessary war
in a country that had no weapons of mass destruction?"

A: Ask Rummy.

JOKE #2
Q: What did the president of the United States say to the
incompetent hand-picked hack who led the administration’s
botching of the Hurricane Katrina disaster?
A: "Brownie,
you’re doing a heck of a job."

JOKE #3
"Knock knock."
"Who’s there?"
"Iraq."
"Iraq who?"
"Iraq will greet us as liberators and become a shining
beacon of democracy and ululate the praises of President George
W. Bush from Basra to Fallujah."

JOKE #4
Q: How many no-bid government contractors does it take to
screw in a $600 Halliburton lightbulb in between power outages
in Baghdad?
A: The U.S. General Accounting Office does not know.

JOKE
#5 (With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

If terrorists threaten to kill soldiers that you put in harm’s
way, and you tell ’em to "Bring it on" … you may
be a redneck president.

If you’re trying to rally the rest of the world to fight
terrorism and you tell ’em "you’re either with us or
you’re with the terrorists" … you may be a redneck
president.

If yer idea of a perfect vacation involves clearin’
brush … you may be a redneck president.

If yer vice
president shoots a man in the face on a huntin’ trip
… you may be a redneck president.

* * *

Finally, I found the joke Kerry actually meant to deliver
at LotsOfJokes.com,
(author unkown).

George Bush has started an ill-timed and disastrous war under
false pretenses by lying to the American people and to the
Congress; he has run a budget surplus into a severe deficit;
he has consistently and unconscionably favored the wealthy
and corporations over the rights and needs of the population;
he has destroyed trust and confidence in, and good will toward,
the United States around the globe; he has ignored global
warming, to the world’s detriment; he has wantonly broken
our treaty obligations; he has condoned torture of prisoners;
he has attempted to create a theocracy in the United States;
he has appointed incompetent cronies to positions of vital
national importance.

Now, would someone please give him a blow job so we can impeach
him?

Related stories:
Terror
and laughter: Bush’s stand-up routine — Jan. 25,
2006

Comic
bomb: Bush slays ’em with WMD gag — March 26,
2004

Trick-or-Treat
plot foiled

By John Breneman

A group of Washington D.C. fourth-graders has been charged
with terrorist activities for toilet-papering the White House
in a Halloween prank gone awry.

"Bring ’em on! Dead or alive!" said President Bush,
who reportedly took refuge in the powder room while the alleged
juvenile terrorists draped the West Wing with rolls of extra-plush
Charmin.

Members of the prepubescent terror cell, whose ringleader
was said to be wearing a frighteningly realistic John Kerry
mask, are also being charged with illegal use of a personal
hygiene product for smearing several White House windows with
shaving cream. Also charged with felony trick-or-treating
were: a fireman, the Geico gecko and a 4-foot-tall Osama bin
Laden.

The schoolchildren, reportedly upset that the fitness-conscious
president gave out apples and raisins instead of Snickers
and Milk Duds, were required to submit to U.N. inspections
of their candy bags.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales ordered that the mischievous
young evil-doers be blindfolded and sent to a barbed-wire
holding facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Unreliable sources said the pint-sized enemy combatants will
bob for apples while strapped to a waterboard.

Just got back from a press
junket to Fort Lauderdale.
Stay tuned for a travel
story later this week:

In related news, the Humor
Gazette’s IBS News team has obtained an exclusive copy of
a controversial new airline industry safety pamphlet:

Air travel is safe and
fun

Always check under your seat for terrorists before takeoff.

Never attempt to light a stick of dynamite while aboard a commercial flight.

Only a small minority of passenger flights result in a hideous "crash landing."

Just follow this simple diagram if you and the others are to have any hope of survival.

Our "Wet ‘n’ Wild" ocean-rafting amenity is offered free on select flights.

Life vests in first class are equipped with a tin of Pringles and a wedge of smoked brie.

Children who refuse to "shut the hell up" should be smacked sharply on the head.

Please keep all genitalia inside your clothing for the duration of the flight.

If a terrorist should brandish a box-cutter, leap out the nearest emergency door.

Passengers are encouraged to yell "Wheeee!" while sliding to safety.

Customers may enjoy our complimentary oxygen during the death plunge.

Once the shark tears off your legs, the seat cushion keeps your bloody torso afloat.

And
baby makes 3 (hundred million)

By
John Breneman

A day-old Florida crackbaby has been identified as America’s
300 millionth person, according to a wild guess by
the U.S. Census Bureau.

Baby 300M (his real name is being withheld so his tiny soul
is not crushed by overexposure to the media) clocked
in at 7:46 a.m. Tuesday to win a crate of Gerber Spinach
Puree, two kilos of Johnson’s Baby Powder and a year’s supply
of Armani silk diapers.

Unconfirmed reports place his unofficial weight at 6-9 pounds.
He reportedly has no health insurance.

Thousands of women in delivery rooms across the country waged
a frantic
competition to pop out the lucky little one, whose
baby swag bag also includes Vanilla Coke, Chocolate Pepsi,
Slim Jims, Twinkies, Doritos, Cheetos, Big Macs, Froot Loops,
Nike booties, Grand Theft Auto and Mortal Kombat.

Related story:
Spears
baby to be named T-Bone — Sept. 12, 2006

The Dept. of Homeland Security warns that the dreaded Jason may be planning a grisly spree of violence Friday the 13th.

Homeland Security issues
‘bad luck’ alert for Friday 13th

By John Breneman

Memo: Jason determined to attack inside the U.S.

The Department of Homeland Security issued a "bad luck"
advisory today, Friday the 13th, urging Americans to avoid
the heightened threat of misfortune by protecting themselves
with rabbits’ feet and four-leaf clovers.

The CIA would neither confirm nor deny that it has detained
thousands of black cats and taken many for interrogation at
Guantanamo Bay, where they have been described as aloof and
uncooperative.

Pedestrians are urged not to walk underneath ladders or step
on any seemingly harmless sidewalk cracks, to minimize the
risk of one’s mother suffering a possible spinal injury.

Warning: Individuals resembling this police sketch may pose a threat of bad luck.

Leading economists speculate that 3.2 million of the lost
or abandoned pennies scattered across the American landscape
will be picked up today by people who ordinarily wouldn’t
waste the 10 seconds it takes to bend down for a useless one-cent
piece.

The Justice Department issued a statement reminding Americans
that breaking a mirror is punishable by up to seven years
bad luck. President Bush began the day by rubbing Dick Cheney’s
head and planned to spend the afternoon playing horseshoes.

The president said Americans needn’t worry about Friday the
13th because he has everything under control, but conventional
wisdom suggests keeping your fingers crossed just in case.