UN
to put N.Korea on double secret probation

By
John Breneman

As the United Nations mulls issuing him a "timeout,"
North Korean mini-dictator Kim Jong-Il today warned of more
nuclear monkey business unless President Bush apologizes for
calling him a "pygmy."

Kim, who is 5-foot-3 but stands 6-foot-4 in his platform
shoes and freakish bouffant hairdo, may yet be spanked with
sanctions for his rude, uninvited entry into the nuclear club.

Despite facing possible UN double secret probation, Kim celebrated
his nuclear no-no by throwing a lavish Johnny Walker-fueled
orgy for himself and six dozen teenage concubines.

"What’s with those Islamic morons and their 72 virgins
in the afterlife? I do that every Friday with the Joy Brigade,"
he said of his harem of sex slaves.

Kim, who like President Bush inherited power from his father,
also threw a weekend parade in Pyongyang, where he clapped
along while his 1,000-piece military marching band played
"For He’s a Jongy Good Fellow."

New polls show that his approval rating has risen to 106%,
up from a low of 100%.

Known as "Dear Leader" among his brainwashed, malnourished
subjects, Kim said that after his nuclear triumph he will
also answer to "Fission Magician" and "Doomsday
McMushroom-Cloud."

Related
stories:

Angelina
Jolie romantically linked to Kim Jong Il

Iran
develops bird flu bomb

Cheney
accidentally detonates nuclear weapon

Iran
agrees to nuclear talks, but not nuke-u-lar

Gunfight
at the WMD Corral — Feb. 11 2005

Incredible Hulk implicated in steroid
probe

By
John Breneman

Noted superhero The
Incredible Hulk reportedly has been named in a federal affidavit fingering several top pro baseball players for alleged steroid use.

Attorneys for the comic
book icon — best known for his bright green skin,
bulging musculature and brooding, surly disposition — say
they have encouraged their client to cooperate with the probe
but warned that harsh questioning might trigger his legendarily
explosive temper.

Related story: Canseco claims he did steroids with Bush

The Hulk has repeatedly denied using illegal substances,
attributing his overdeveloped physique to a "laboratory
accident" involving exposure to "gamma
rays." But sources say Captain
America will testify that he once injected the Hulk’s
buttocks with a substance called Mutant Growth Hormone.

The chairman of the House panel conducting the hearings questioned
the Hulk’s credibility, pointing out that he exhibits many
of the classic signs of steroid abuse, including unusual skin
conditions, cartoonesque brawn and volatile mood swings sometimes
called "roid rage."

"Mr. Hulk is admired as a role model by many children
and his failure to come clean sends the wrong message,"
said Rep. Tom Davis, R-Virginia. "We don’t want impressionable
young kids thinking it’s cool to go around smashing in people’s
skulls and flipping over automobiles."

The House panel is calling for a strict policy designed to
end steroid use among comic book heroes. Superman
could not be reached for comment.

Steroids infiltrating
Washington, Wall Street
Santa
Claus denies use of performance-enhancing drugs

Owens
mulls rehab
for publicity addiction

By John Breneman

Experts say Terrell
Owens‘ recent non-suicide attempt may have been a
cry for help from a man whose brain is afflicted with a malignant,
metastasizing ego.

The Dallas Cowboys superstar is so addicted to the limelight,
said one psychologist, that if the chronic swelling of his
head is left untreated, he risks overdosing on his own toxic
narcissism.

So will T.O. seek treatment?

"Nah," said a source close to one of Owens’ nine
full-time publicists. "That’s just a rumor he started
to keep the spotlight on. Know what I’m sayin’? T.O. is takin’
‘Me’ to the next level."

Owens,
who recently underwent surgery for a broken bone in his right
hand, played well in Sunday’s 45-14 victory over Tennessee.

A source close to his third-string mirror polisher said Owens
had planned a new touchdown dance in which he "accidentally"
flashes his left
breast. However, Owens failed to score, leading pundits
to predict a high-profile publicity stunt with the next 24
hours.

With the Terrell Alert Level on "High," there is
widespread speculation that Owens may try to get some TV time
by smuggling a weapon onto an airplane or snapping at Fox
News reporter Chris Wallace. A source close to Owens’ teeth-whitening
specialist said T.O. is set to announce that he is the true
father of Anna
Nicole Smith‘s baby.

Editor’s note: Other sources consulted for this
report include the ghost writer of Owens’ fourth autobiography,
the guy who rubs baby oil on T.O.’s abs and the therapist
who tries to keep Dallas coach Bill Parcells’ head from exploding.

Port boss needs to get his slurs correct

By Chris Elliott

I am appalled at Geno Marconi’s reappointment as head of Portsmouth’s Port Authority, not so much because of his highly publicized racial slurs, but rather because, according to Portsmouth Herald reportage, it seems to me that he might have invoked the wrong one.

The slurs were directed at a ship’s captain referred to as Captain A in much of the press coverage. Marconi having admitted to using the racial slur, “sand nigger,” naturally I was thinking Ahab the Arab from the old Ray Stevens song. Next though, the Herald printed the captain’s name, and it was Pakistani, sort of the buffer zone of racial identifiers between the Arab world and India.

Additionally, the Herald reported that the captain was born in India. The captain’s last name was in the tradition of a group of Pakistani nomads who ended up settling in Punjab, which is among the disputed lands in Kashmir, between India and Pakistan. It sounds to me that the ship’s captain might not be a sand nigger at all. He might even be a dot-head.

Any regular readers of this column know that I am a stickler for precision in language, not necessarily in argument or rhetoric, which in my opinion are bettered by remaining fluid, but the terminology, the word-by-word tool set must be respected to an absolute, and if Marconi is calling an elephant jockey a camel jockey, I have a problem with that.

Amateur racists like Marconi have to learn that races don’t start and end with cartographic precision at the drawn border.

Read the rest of this entry »

Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick

Make-believe suicide bomber Akbar Kapowi

By John Breneman

In a shocking development in the war in Iraq, no suicide
bomber blew up a bunch of innocent victims yesterday.

This marks the first day in recent memory that no dim-witted
Muslim extremist jackass has blown himself, and bystanders,
to smithereens.

An anonymous terrorist leader calling himself "Deep
Goat" said plans for moderate to heavy violence fell
through for several reasons, including inclement weather and
a rumor that all that bull about banging virgins in Heaven
is actually a load of camel dung.

"Deep Goat," believed to be a regional manager
for Insurgents R Us, said the lack of senseless death is just
an aberration and assured that regularly scheduled suicide
bombings will resume tomorrow.

Several of the rocket scientists scheduled to blow their
brains out yesterday called in sick and others came up with
a variety of excuses. One claimed the dog ate his "Martyr
Manual," another had to attend his son’s graduation from
Bush the Anti-Christ Elementary School and yet another realized
that Allah, like most self-respecting deities, actually frowns
on killing innocent people in his name.

Other excuses included:
— overslept
— accidentally sent suicide bomb vest to the dry cleaners
— ran out of gas on the way back from sabotaging an oil refinery
— wife was nagging him to remodel the rape room
— found out he was allergic to his own mangled flesh
— realized mission would interfere with lifelong dream of
crashing an exploding Hyundai into the Eiffel Tower
— figured out he could make more money selling Saddam Hussein
material on eBay

Pope
says Islam is ‘really swell’

By
John Breneman

Pope Benedict XVI, reaching
out to Muslims offended by his recent comments about
Islam being an "evil" religion, today said he actually
believes Islam is "really swell."

"Oh yeah. I have a lotta new Muslim pals and they are
really good dudes," the pontiff told Al-Jazeera morning
show host Regis Zawahiri. "Seeing myself being burned
in effigy around the world was kind of a wakeup call. It was
like, duh, I’m not the boss of Mohammed."

The pope said "the Koran, the Qur’an — whatever you
call it — is a real page-turner," but observers said
he seemed fidgety and kept looking back over his left shoulder
as he concluded his remarks. "To recap, Islam is really
awesome. So please don’t firebomb the Vatican, OK?"

In a related development, the artist formerly known as Cat
Stevens (and currently known Shut Your Piehole, Idiot)
spoke out against the pope, saying his remarks cast a dark
"Moon Shadow" over the papacy and urging the pontiff to get
onboard the "Peace Train."

Related stories:
Pope
apologizes to Rosie O’Donnell — Sept. 18, 2006

Bashin’
of the Christ

Help
Wanted: Pope — April 18, 2005

Humor us with this foolish questionnaire

In
order to better serve YOU, the reader, I have compiled this questionnaire
as part of my work in the cutting-edge field of humor column research.

My bosses are pressuring me to provide 8-10 percent more laughs
in each edition of the Humor Gazette. I’m hoping the data you provide
here will help me tap into the very marrow of the human funny bone.

The first 100 respondents will be eligible to win a gold-embossed
collector’s edition copy of my new best-seller – "Blah Blah
Blah, Etc." (Offer void in parts of South Berwick.) To ensure
optimum results, I must request that you please hold your laughter
until the end of this column.

Warning:
The following questions are "multiple choice," so respondents
will need a working knowledge of the "alphabet."

Questions
1. When is your favorite time to read humor columns?
A. During an intimate moment with a loved one.
B. While speeding down the freeway and chattering on the cell phone
in heavy traffic.
C. After the weekly liposuction treatment.
D. In those peaceful, solitary moments just before flushing.

2.
Do you prefer humor columns that are:
A. side-splitting
B. knee-slapping
C. rib-tickling
D. windpipe-constricting

3. What is your favorite snack to nibble on while reading humor
columns?
(select up to 6)

• kippered herring
• tofu jerky
• lima bean pizza
• Meat Whiz
• refried chitlins
• Oysters Rockefeller
• Venezuelan caviar
• animal by-products
• Spam-flavored lollipops
• Tender Vittles
• Pepto-Bismol smoothies
• that nasty brown stuff that Grandma used to make

4. What is your current employment status?
A. pencil pusher
B. suit
C. dot-com geek
D. brown-collar slop jockey

5. What is your current family status?
A. single
B. double
C. disowned
D. married, divorced, remarried and living in squalor with 3.5 kids,
6.5 cats and an incontinent gerbil named Petey.

6. What is your current financial status?
A. mo’ money
B. no money
C. self-made pauper
D. assets not sufficient to maintain the lifestyle to which you
have become accustomed.

7. How much would you pay for this column if it was not provided
free as part of this fine newspaper Web site?
A. 1 yen
B. a plug nickel
C. a red cent
D. $1.2 million

8. What are some of your favorite humor column topics? (select
up to six)
o society’s seamy underbelly
o squirrel terrorists
o philandering politicians
o humpbacked sperm whales
o humpbacked politicians
o porcelain fixtures
o the role of monkeys in U.S. foreign policy
o algebraic equations
o machine gun-wielding gnomes
o blonds
o Polish sausages
o the mating rituals of the indigenous North American loser.

9. What is your greatest fear?
A. fear itself
B. snakes
C. George W. Bush
D. missing an important final exam because you have no clothing

and can only run in slow-motion.

10. What is your favorite name to call those idiots who cut
you off in traffic?
A. idiot
B. @$*#% jackass
C. nincompoop
D. road rage victim

Congratulations. Now that you have completed the questionnaire,
you are eligible to enrich your life by reading the Humor Gazette
as often as you like. However, I know your time is at a premium
so before you just jump onto the bandwagon, I’m sure you’ll want
all the facts.

Consider:
? Humor Gazette columns offer
24 percent more insipid punch lines
than the other leading brand.

? Each week, we will print a generous
supply of comical words like "beancurd," "whimwham"
and "government."

? Special bonus columns will be peppered
with rib-splitting words like "putty," "angstrom
unit" and "Jello-brand gelatin."

? We also offer exclusive special
reports like "True Confessions of a Praying Mantis,"
"The Trouble With Genetically Engineered Raisins" and
"Youth Violence: Friend Or Foe?"

? And finally, this column has been
endorsed by groups as diverse as Physicians For
Social Repugnancy, Daughters of the Albanian Revolution and the
National Water Pistol Association.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is:
A. almost as funny as gangrene
B. a pathetic little man
C. a veritable comic juggernaut
D. no longer allowed to play with weapons of mass destruction.

John Breneman

Popeye
stricken by tainted spinach

By
John Breneman

Cartoon legend Popeye the Sailor Man is in stable condition
at Bethesda Naval Hospital, where he is recovering after sucking
several cans of bad spinach through his corncob pipe.

The 77-year-old Popeye, a colorful spokesman and lobbyist
for the spinach industry, defied FDA warnings that more than
130
people have fallen ill from a deadly outbreak E. coli
attributed to the leafy, iron-rich vegetable.

The muttering, one-eyed muscleman, who credits a spinach-based
diet with giving him steroid-style forearms and super-human
strength, claimed the spinach scare may be the work of his
arch-nemesis Bluto, perhaps as part of yet another scheme
to steal Popeye’s girl, the floss-thin anoerxia poster girl,
Olive Oyl.

Related stories:
Speed
Racer busted for speeding, possession of speed

Bin
Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote

Li’l
Abner hurt in meth lab blast

Pope
apologizes to Rosie O’Donnell for slamming Islam

By John Breneman

Pope Benedict XVI today asked forgiveness from Rosie O’Donnell
for badmouthing Islamo-fascism.

Under the gun for saying it is "evil" to spread
religious beliefs "by the sword," and controversial
stuff like "violence is incompatible with the nature
of God and the nature of the soul," the
pope apologized to the Muslim world in general and
O’Donnell in particular.

"I’m
sorry if my reference to some 14th century Byzantine
emperor offended Muslims or any of Rosie O’Donnell’s fans
in the radical, extremist, lesbian Islamo-Hollywood community,"
he said in an exclusive interview with Regis Philbin.

O’Donnell,
meanwhile, is taking heat for saying "radical Christianity
is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like
America." Inflammatory words. So it was vitally important
that the daytime talk show blabbermouth be burned in effigy
by the nighttime blabberpundits on cable, while enraged Muslims
torched pope posters in Pakistan.

In other cable-news news: Forensic analysts are conducting
tests to determine if chunks of shredded human flesh found
in the razor-sharp teeth of self-appointed CNN legal attack
dog Nancy
Grace is that of a young Florida woman took her own
life after being interrogated
by Grace about her missing son.

The incident sparked fresh debate over whether the Geneva
Conventions should apply to Grace’s program or ratings-motivated
media grillings in general. Grace is also under fire for allegedly
waterboarding a sexy blonde teacher who banged one of her
students.

Related stories:
Help
Wanted: Pope — April 18, 2005

Rev.
Jesse Jackson mulls pope bid — April 11, 2005

Schiavo
autopsy reveals media in persistent vegetative state
— June 17, 2005

Spears baby to be named T-Bone

By
John Breneman

Britney Spears has given birth to a boy, the second of her
12 children, and a source close to her cigarette dealer claims
the beloved pop commodity plans to continue the trend of oddball
celebrity baby names like Suri, Coco, Shiloh and Apple.

"Yeah, she’s gonna name him Camel, either that or Marlboro,"
said Cleetus Chesterfield, a Kentwood, La., tobacco distributor.

Off-the-chain hip-hop megastar Kevin Federline, believed
to be the baby’s mama’s "pimp daddy," is reportedly
leaning toward calling him Lil’ K-Fed or Toxic G.

While mini FedX is just Spears’ second child, he is at least
the fourth for Federline (father of Kori, 4, and Kaleb, 2,
with Shar Jackson). The National Enquirer is reporting the
opportunistic rap god may have sired as many as 25-40 children
with dozens of random "beeyatches" and "hos."

Spears reportedly delivered a 6-pound, 11-ounce boy just
before 2 a.m. Tuesday, via a rare procedure called an MTV-section.

In related news: Actress Minnie Driver gave birth to a boy,
Racecar.