Bin Laden linked to Satan’s pig-monkey

After
the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, Humor Gazette editor John
Breneman embedded himself in the war on terror (at
an undisclosed location), vowing to remain vigilant in his
First Amendment duty to shock and awe the evildoers and politicians
alike with a relentless satire offensive.

"Our failure to publish stories like ‘Bush
suffers from Iraq-tile Dysfunction’ would be a victory
for the terrorist asswipes," he said.

The Gazette scooped its rivals at the New York Times,
the Onion and Al-Jazeera with stories like ‘Al
Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of dung.’ Below are
some of the exclusives that helped earn the Gazette a Pull-it
Surprise nomination:

Good riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead — June 9, 2006	Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio — Jan. 20, 2006	Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal ’05 — Dec. 19, 2005
Al-Zarqawi’s approval rating falls — Nov. 25, 2005	Terrorists revealed to be morons — July 22, 2005	London attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks — July 8, 2005
Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick — June 6, 2005	Mother’s Day card yields clues on bin Laden — May 9, 2005	Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote — March 28, 2004
Comic bomb: Bush slays ’em with WMD gag — March 26, 2004	Voice on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman — Nov. 19, 2002	Rebuilding Afghanistan in our image — Dec. 10, 2001

Fall foliage Q&A with Dr. Leif Mann

By
John Breneman

Everyone knows that the autumn foliage in New England is
the finest in the world. But there is much about this annual
cornucopia of color that we do not know. Therefore, I have
decided to direct some reader questions to the Humor Gazette’s
resident foliage expert, Dr. Leif Mann.

Question: Where should I go to see the peak foliage?

— Bud Smith, Exeter

Answer: The most glorious foliage in all the world
can be seen in a quaint Maine hamlet called Carotene Falls.
Unfortunately, you can’t get there from here.

Question: If there is too much foliage in my yard,
should I use a defoliant?
— Biff Dupont, New Castle

Answer: Uh, no. A defoliant is a chemical that strips
growing plants of their leaves. Believe it or not, if you
just wait a bit the leaves will fall off the trees by themselves.

Question: My trees are still kind of green. Should
I consider paying a college kid to come and spray-paint them?

— Sherwin Williams, Portsmouth

Answer: No. I have found that it’s best to hire an
experienced painting contractor if you want the job done right.

Question: Where did the 2004 presidential candidates stand
on foliage?
— Joe Voder, Dixville Notch

Answer: John Kerry was ranked the 5th-most pro-foliage
legislator in the U.S. Congress. He also voted FOR a $1.2 million foliage appropriation before he voted against it. George W. Bush believes we
can stop unwanted foliage by increasing the amount of toxic
emissions in the environment.

Question: Why are the trees so pretty in the fall?

— Jenny, age 4

Answer: Well you see Jenny, leaves contain some green
stuff called chlorophyll. But the cold weather breaks down
the chlorophyll in most deciduous plant life forms. When that
happens, other pigments contained in the leaves (xanthophyll,
yellow; caretenoids, orange-red; anthocyanins, red and purple)
come shining through.

Question: Oh, why are there no blue leaves?
— Jenny, age 4

Answer: Uhhh. Because.

Question: How can I protect my children from seeing
foliage on the Internet?
— Jenny’s mom

Answer: Of course it is best to shield your child
from all external stimuli, but that is not always possible.
Instead, you might consider raking up a big pile of leaves,
starting a bonfire, and throwing your computer into the center
of the flames.

Question: Who makes all the oxygen for humans to breathe?

— Mikey, age 5

Answer: Plants and trees.

Question: Why are humans destroying the rain forests?
— Mikey, age 5

Answer: Too much oxygen.

Question: How has the fluctuating stock market affecting
the international market for foliage-related goods and services
(cameras and binoculars, bus tours, T-shirts, petroleum products,
etc.)?
— A. Greenspan, Washington

Answer: Let’s just say that black market "Genuine
Maine Leaf Peeper" T-shirts are raking in quite a few
million yen in North Conwei, Japan.

Question: Are travel agents authorized to arrange
obscenely expensive leaf-peeping excursions for wealthy tourists?

— Arthur Mulch, York Harbor

Answer: Yes, my sources in the industry tell me that
a Hampton travel agent is now offering a seven-day, seven-night
"Leaf Safari" package that starts with a champagne-and-hot-tub
limousine ride to the White Mountains. There, the group will
be flown to scenic Moosehead Lake aboard the S.S. Equinox,
a luxury dirigible that serves braised lobster and offers
unparalleled autumn vistas from the air. Tour organizers also
have arranged for a partial eclipse of the sun to create a
spectacular once-in-a-lifetime visual foliage extravaganza.

Question: What can we, as humans, learn from the humble
leaf?
— Kofi Annan, United Nations

Answer: Well, if we humans could all develop the ability
to produce our own nourishment using the miracle of photosynthesis,
why we could solve world hunger and increase our disposal
income without triggering a windfall profits tax.

Question: Do leaves go to Heaven?
— Jenny, age 4

Answer: Yes.

Humor Gazette columnist John Breneman has given up red
meat in favor of photosynthesis.

Ex-Chihuahua sues Paris Hilton

By
John Breneman

A disgruntled Chihuahua once owned by Paris Hilton is suing
the long-legged, pinheaded heiress for $2.5 million, alleging
lurid tales of canine porn and doggie-style debauchery.

Attorneys
for the dog, identified in court documents as "Tinkerbell
7," claim Hilton had made "certain representations"
about taking care of the diminutive handbag-dwelling pooch
in "the lifestyle to which it has become accustomed."

A spokesman for Hilton claimed the dog was let go after it
breeched an unwritten agreement by peeing on a $500,000 jewel-encrusted
minidress while sitting in Hilton’s lap at Daddy Bling’s in
Monaco. But the dog’s legal team says several eyewitnesses
will testify that "Paris had already peed on the same
dress at least twice that night."

The lawsuit also hints at domestic abuse. "Paris used
to beat me," claims the former pet, citing one incident
in which it suffered a fractured front leg when Hilton "bitch
slapped" it for walking in unannounced while she was
entertaining an identified pile of men.

Tinkerbell 7, who once dreamed of hauling his mistress to
glory in the MTV Celebrity Iditarod, has been reduced to panhandling
(yapping "Where’s the beef" for spare change on
Rodeo Drive) and doing guest spots on shows like VH1’s "100
Nastiest Celebrity Poop-Related Incidents."

Related
stories:
Al-Qaeda
snatches Paris Hilton
— June 12, 2006

Rapper
50 Cent introduces 50 Scent
— Sept. 23, 2005

Ono!
… Yoko to blame for McCartney split
— May 19, 2006

Anna
Nicole’s Supreme Court sex romp
— March 1, 2006

Where’s
Whitey?

By John Breneman

The FBI would neither confirm nor deny that it tried to lure
Whitey Bulger out of hiding yesterday by throwing a fake party
for his 77th birthday. In this version of the old fake-lottery
scam, the fugitive shows up to collect his presents and —
wham — he’s busted for 18 or 20 murders by agents in clown
suits.

But Bulger’s too smart for those FBI clowns. Since Whitey
went ghost in 1994, he’s been "spotted" in almost
every state and dozens of countries spanning every continent
but Antarctica — thanks to a $1 million federal bounty on
the Pale One’s scalp.

Whether eyeballed in Bali, recognized in Reykjavik or stared
at in Stuttgart, Whitey remains at large — and larger than
life. Jack Nicholson is stoked to channel Hub gangster’s signature
blend of stone-cold ruthlessness and sexual deviance in a
new movie called "The Departed" — a delightfully
blood-drenched Boston mafia caper also starring Matt Damon,
Mark Wahlberg, Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Sheen. Sources
say Whitey may try to sneak a cameo sporting his now-famous
white Red Sox cap, dark sunglasses look.

But he still can’t shake being linked to Osama bin Laden
on all those most-wanted posters. Both men are wanted by the
U.S. government in connection with a reign of terror, and
both have been abetted by the U.S. government (Bulger receiving
FBI protection and bin Laden arms in Afghanistan in the ’80s)
in connection with a reign of terror.

Word is, Whitey’s ripped that the Islamo-whatever terror
boss rates $25 million in reward dough to his lousy $1 mil.
But hey, he’s eluded justice for way longer than the tall,
turbaned head of the Tora Bora Hill Gang (heckuva a job, Whitey).
Come to think of it, maybe President Bush would have better
luck smoking WHITEY out dead or alive.

It won’t be easy, though, because Bulger — a master of disguise
with steely blue eyes — uses an assortment of aliases. Whitey
is not the man’s only aka, OK? To throw authorities off his
trail, Whitey sometimes switches over to Blackie.

Imaginary sources say he also goes by Whitey Ford, James
Brown, Red Buttons and Mr. Pink. In Acapulco he is known as
Senor Blanco. But a word of warning: Don’t call him "Tighty
Whitey" or he is likely to strangle you with a pair of
mens undershorts.

Today, James Joseph Bulger shares a birthday with fellow
paragon of moral virtue Charlie Sheen, 41, and prominent Hub
merchant and "bargain basement" inventor Edward
Albert Filene (1860-1937).

But the million-dollar question remains.
Where’s Whitey?

Some say he is probably masquerading as a retired college
president or distinguished ex-legislator. Others say he’s
the reputed kingpin of a Tuesday night bingo syndicate in
St. Petersburg. And there are those who swear they saw him
performing in the Blue Man Group in Las Vegas in 2004.

You’ve heard the rumors (they count as rumors if I make ’em
up, right?) — the aging gangster has replaced old cronies
Stephen "The Rifleman" Flemmi and "Cadillac
Frank" Salemme with geriatric bruisers named "The
Salad Shooter" and "Minivan Fred."

Meanwhile, the Whitey sightings continue to pile up. I saw
Whitey Bulger drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s. His
hair was perfect. No wait, that wasn’t him. Or was it?

Cause you know he’s out there somewhere. A source close to Whitey’s agent said he plans to celebrate by jamming a big knife into his birthday cake (vanilla with vanilla frosting), playing pin the tail on Sal Mineo and taking a tire iron to the head of some poor pinata.

Where’s
Whitey?

By John Breneman

The FBI would neither confirm nor deny it will try to lure
Whitey Bulger out of hiding today by throwing a fake party
for his 77th birthday. In this version of the old fake-lottery
scam, the fugitive shows up to collect his presents and —
wham — he’s busted for 18 or 20 murders by agents in clown
suits.

But Bulger’s too smart for those FBI clowns. Since Whitey
went ghost in 1994, he’s been "spotted" in almost
every state and dozens of countries spanning every continent
but Antarctica — thanks to a $1 million federal bounty on wa
the Pale One’s scalp.

Whether eyeballed in Bali, recognized in Reykjavik or stared
at in Stuttgart, Whitey remains at large — and larger than
life. Jack Nicholson is stoked to channel the Hub gangster’s signature
blend of stone-cold ruthlessness and sexual deviance in a
new movie called "The Departed" — a delightfully
blood-drenched Boston mafia caper also starring Matt Damon,
Mark Wahlberg, Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Sheen. Sources
say Whitey may try to sneak a cameo sporting his now-famous
white Red Sox cap, dark sunglasses look.

But he still can’t shake being linked to Osama bin Laden
on all those most-wanted posters. Both men are sought by the
U.S. government in connection with a reign of terror, and
both have been abetted by the U.S. government (Bulger receiving
FBI protection and bin Laden arms in Afghanistan in the ’80s)
in connection with a reign of terror.

Word is, Whitey’s ripped that the Islamo-whatever terror
boss rates $25 million in reward dough to his lousy $1 mil.
But hey, he’s eluded justice for way longer than the tall,
turbaned head of the Tora Bora Hill Gang (heckuva a job, Whitey).
Come to think of it, maybe President Bush would have better
luck smoking Whitey out dead or alive.

It won’t be easy, though, because Bulger — a master of disguise
with steely blue eyes — uses an assortment of aliases. Whitey
is not the man’s only aka, OK? To throw authorities off his
trail, Whitey sometimes switches over to Blackie.

Imaginary sources say he also goes by Whitey Ford, James
Brown, Red Buttons and Mr. Pink. In Acapulco he is known as
Senor Blanco. But a word of warning: Don’t call him "Tighty
Whitey" or he is likely to strangle you with a pair of
mens undershorts.

Today, James Joseph Bulger shares a birthday with that fellow
paragon of moral virtue Charlie Sheen, 41, and prominent Hub
merchant and "bargain basement" inventor Edward
Albert Filene (1860-1937).

But the million-dollar question remains. Where’s Whitey?

Some say he is probably masquerading as a retired college
president or distinguished ex-legislator. Others say he’s
the reputed kingpin of a Tuesday night bingo syndicate in
St. Petersburg. And there are still others who swear they saw him
performing in the Blue Man Group in Las Vegas in 2004.

You’ve heard the rumors (they count as rumors if I make ’em
up, right?) — the aging gangster has replaced ex-cronies
Stephen "The Rifleman" Flemmi and "Cadillac
Frank" Salemme with geriatric bruisers named "The
Salad Shooter" and "Minivan Fred."

Meanwhile, the Whitey sightings continue to pile up. I saw
Whitey Bulger drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s. His
hair was perfect. No wait, that wasn’t him. Or was it?

Cause you know he’s out there somewhere. A source close to Whitey’s agent said he plans to celebrate by jamming a big knife into his birthday cake (vanilla with vanilla frosting), playing pin the tail on Sal Mineo and taking a tire iron to the head of some poor pinata.

JonBenet sicko linked to Pee-Wee Herman

By
John Breneman

Authorities say John Mark Karr, confessed non-killer of 6-year-old
beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey, has now implicated himself in
the Natalee Holloway case, a Fallujah terror bombing and the
disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa.

The spooky-looking Karr, a natural-born weirdo who suffers
from a rare form of attention deficit disorder, has also claimed
responsibility for visiting a Thai sex-change clinic, fathering
Britney Spears’ second child and a kidnapping scam involving
Paris Hilton’s pet monkey.

"Yeah, that’s it. That’s the ticket," said Karr,
adding that he used to be married to Morgan Fairchild and
is a distant cousin of Pee-Wee Herman.

Karr denied any connection to the Valerie Plame leak, U.S.
intelligence failures in Iraq or the administration’s sluggish
response to Hurricane Katrina – but then quickly recanted,
saying he was to blame. Then he asked if he could have another
nifty free airplane ride with champagne, roast duck and shrimp
cocktail.

Though his DNA ruled him out in the Ramsey slaying, authorities
are still investigating Karr’s claim that he is the bastard
son of Shirley Temple’s love child.

Bush declares fartwa on Iran

By
John Breneman

President Bush today declared a massive fartwa on Iran and
said he wouldn’t hesitate to use military flatulence as he
cracks down on the "asses of evil." He also announced
a new plan to "smoke out" Osama bin Laden with bunker-busting
stinkbombs.

Now that the president’s love of farting and fart jokes has
been exposed by U.S.
News & World Report, the Humor Gazette has learned
that he also enjoys giving noogies to foreign dignitaries
and watching Dick Cheney kick liberals in the groin.

President Bush, according to White House proctologist Dr.
Fred Cheeks, believes in the "He who smelt it dealt it"
doctrine in the war on Islamoflatulism. Praise the Lord and
pass the mustard gas.

To ease international tension at the recent G-8 summit, where
he groped German Chancellor Angela Merkel and gave Tony Blair
a wedgie, Bush pranked puzzled foreign leaders with whoopie
cushions and fake poo. Bush kept himself from getting bored
by repeatedly putting his right hand under his left armpit,
flapping his left arm to make farty noises and then pointing
at the nearest red-faced dignitary.

Iranian President Mahmoud "Stinky" Ahmadinejad issued
a statement calling Bush "a juvenile chucklehead,"
but the president’s response was swift and incisive. "I
know you are, but what am I?" he said, adding, "Heh
heh heh."

Related stories:
President
‘punked’ press, public with Iraq gag — April 1,
2005

Bush declares fartwa on Iran

By
John Breneman

President Bush today declared a massive fartwa on Iran and
said he wouldn’t hesitate to use military flatulence as he
cracks down on the "asses of evil." He also announced
a new plan to "smoke out" Osama bin Laden with bunker-busting
stinkbombs.

Now that the president’s love of farting and fart jokes has
been exposed by U.S.
News & World Report, the Humor Gazette has learned
that he also enjoys giving noogies to foreign dignitaries
and watching Dick Cheney kick liberals in the groin.

President Bush, according to White House proctologist Dr.
Fred Cheeks, believes in the "He who smelt it dealt it"
doctrine in the war on Islamoflatulism. Praise the Lord and
pass the mustard gas.

To ease international tension at the recent G-8 summit, where
he groped German Chancellor Angela Merkel and gave Tony Blair
a wedgie, Bush pranked puzzled foreign leaders with whoopie
cushions and fake poo. Bush kept himself from getting bored
by repeatedly putting his right hand under his left armpit,
flapping his left arm to make farty noises and then pointing
at the nearest red-faced dignitary.

Iranian President Mahmoud "Stinky" Ahmadinejad issued
a statement calling Bush "a juvenile chucklehead,"
but the president’s response was swift and incisive. "I
know you are, but what am I?" he said, adding, "Heh
heh."

Related stories:
President
‘punked’ press, public with Iraq gag — April 1,
2005

Homeland Security cracks down on snakes

By
John Breneman

Due to heightened Internet and media chatter about a plot
involving some "(mother-fangin’) snakes on a (mother-fangin’)
plane," the Department of Homeland Security today raised
the Reptile Terror Alert Level to red.

Fortunately, Oscar-nominated badass Samuel
L. Jackson reportedly has the mother-fangin’ situation
under control and is getting medieval on the mother-fangin’
serpents in theaters
across the nation.

The FBI is probing possible links to the Monty Python humor
cell and the rumored presence of a uraniumhead yellow snake
from Niger.

Federal officials slithered into action, mandating that all
male passengers be vigorously frisked to determine if they
are concealing anything that resembles a small or medium-size
snake.

Secretary of State Condoleezza
Rice was shocked, saying, "I don’t think anyone
could have predicted those people would use (mother-fangin’)
snakes on a (mother-fangin’) plane as a weapon."

Several leading Republicans accused the Democrats of being
weak in the war on snakism and the media has made sure no
American goes more than 11 minutes without hearing the words
"snakes on a plane."

Related story:
Acorn
plot linked to squirrel terrorists — Oct. 7, 2005

Consult
your Homeland Security Horoscope

Hamsters banned from commercial flights

By
John Breneman

The Transportation Security Administration today announced
new airline security restrictions in the wake of the British
plot to blow up planes with soda pop and baby formula. Officials
are also investigating a terror scheme involving hamsters
rigged with explosives and an Islamofascist gecko.

Passengers will no longer be able to carry on the following
liquids: Nitroglycerin, goat milk, chicken soup, barrels of
crude oil, urine samples, Chateau Lafite Rothschild, moist
towelettes and triple lo-fat mocha latte frappuccino. Other
banned liquids include Newman’s Own Islamic Vinaigrette Dressing
and excess saliva or perspiration.

Also prohibited from the passenger compartment: Pez
dispensers, toy assault rifles, cellular and rotary
phones, Match-Lite charcoal briquettes, canned goods, frozen
steaks, stink bombs, pinking shears, kilos of cocaine, Ninja
death stars and most hand grenades.

Also: Acetylene torches, PVC tubing, night-vision goggles,
deep-sea diving apparatus, fake passports, cucumbers
wrapped in tin foil, Ronco bottle and jar cutters,
moth balls, Preparation
H, subversive literature, acorns, pointy
sticks, hollow chocolate Easter
bunnies, Hummel figurines, Elmer’s glue and Mel
Gibson.

Related stories:
IMPORTANT:
Air travel safety tips

Fake
obit: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi — June 9, 2006

Al
Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of dung — Aug.
5, 2005

London
attack heightens worldwide hatred
of spineless terrorist jerks — July 8, 2005

Suicide
bombers get cold feet, call in sick — June 6,
2005