Dodds
takes detour on road to D.C

By John Breneman

Skeptical
of congressional candidate Gary
Dodds’ claim that he may have swerved to avoid a deer
when he bumped into a guardrail on the Spaulding Turnpike
then vanished for 26 hours, police are pursuing a new lead
involving a possible second deer, perched on a nearby grassy
knoll.

Dodds
reportedly described the deer as 6 feet tall, 350 pounds,
clad in a handsome brown pelt with a white patch on its throat
and "dark, shifty eyes" — possibly wearing a ski
mask.

A wildlife expert said if Dodds had encountered a deer with
his vehicle on the night of April 5, 2006, the animal would
have been scared shitless. Yet the local CSI team found nothing
when it dusted for scat.

However, they did discover pungent evidence suggesting the
recent presence a large weasel. Unconfirmed reports suggest
a magical unicorn also may have been involved.

Police have obtained a search warrant for Dodds’ clothes
to help figure out if he’s been sending them on a wild deer
chase with his amnesia-riddled tale of whacking his head and
wandering the woods and rivers of Dover.

Shortly after the incident, Dodds seemed unsure about whether
his 1997
Lincoln Continental had burst into flames (it had
not) and whether or not he had been kidnapped by a previously
unknown tribe of Granite State forest gnomes.

The befuddled Washington wannabe quickly demonstrated one
of his key qualifications for Congress, blaming his woes on
the media and accusing the local press of a "politically
motivated witch hunt."

Sources say Dodds plans to lay low for a while, maybe cruise
the Lincoln down to Rhode Island to get some campaign advice
from fellow crazy-drivin’ Democrat Patrick Kennedy.

Public opinion is split, with a new fake poll showing that
42% of the voters believe Dodds was probably just practicing
lying in case he somehow won his bizarre bid to represent
some extremely puzzled constituents in the U.S. Congress.

Al-Qaeda
snatches Paris Hilton

By
John Breneman

Al-Qaeda terror crackpot Ayman
al-Zawahiri has avenged the death of his pal Abu
Musab al-Zarqawi by kidnapping American hotel heiress
Paris Hilton.

Zawahiri appeared on videotape clutching a distraught, scantily
clad Hilton, who was forced to read a statement renouncing
"immoral reality TV" and calling American popular
culture "ignorant, soulless and depraved. Like me."

U.S. intelligence confirmed that the abductee seen on the
videotape — and on a raunchy $19.95 companion bootleg —
is the flashy, trashy dumbass professional celebutramp.

Hilton also delivered her signature line — "That’s
hot" — as the terrorist held a glowing orange branding
iron close to her cheek.

Hilton was snatched from a penthouse suite at the Baghdad
Hilton where she was shooting a sex tape with the Greek National
Guard. This according to a source close to the Mexican laborer
who cleans up after one of her miniature Chihuahuas.

Nicole Richie could not be reached for comment.

Related story:
Al
Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of dung — Aug.
5, 2005

Fake obit: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

By
John Breneman

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, high-ranking al-Qaeda hatemonger, died
unexpectedly today when his "safehouse" was smashed
to Hell by bombs.
He was 39.

Zarqawi was identified by fingerprints, facial recognition
and the "Martyrs
Do it in the Afterlife" tattoo on his left bicep.

U.S. forces described Zarqawi’s death as a victory in the
war on terror, but an al-Qaeda spokesman called it a victory
in the war FOR terror, saying 500 new Uncle Sam haters just
signed up for suicide bomber boot camp.

There are conflicting reports on whether Zarqawi is currently
burning in the underworld or gangbanging 72 virgins in the
promised land. Also killed in the U.S. offensive, Zarqawi’s
#2 man, his #3, 4, 5 and 6 men, his longtime manicurist and
his beloved Jack Russell terrier, Mr. Boom-Boom.

Born in Jordan, Zarqawi is remembered as a prodigy at the
elite terror academy, Jihad Prep. Recalled one former instructor,
"By
the time Abu reached sixth grade he was already hating America
at a ninth-grade level."

A past president of the Fraternal Order of Spineless Terrorists
Local 666, Zarqawi rose to prominence as host of the popular
Iraqi game show "Who Wants to Be a Martyr?"

A devout Muslim, Zarqawi reportedly spent two hours a day
in prayer and another hour and a half playing Sudoku. In his
spare time he enjoyed doing needlepoint, watching "Three
Stooges" reruns and slaughtering innocent women and children.

Known for his uncanny resemblance to the American comic strip
character Zippy
the Pinhead, he also enjoyed pranking people with
his prosthetic leg and grooving to the music of Barry Manilow.

His hobbies included firing automatic weapons on grainy,
homemade videotapes and creating savory new recipes for human
flesh. He was the co-author of the Baghdad Times bestseller
"Killing Americans For Fun and Profit."

Friends say he will be remembered as a hero and a role model
for young terror whackjobs. "He never let respect for
human life stand in the way of his murderous ideology,"
said Ayman
al "Fred" Zawahiri, a possible successor.
"And he never met a non-Muslim he didn’t hate."

His loss will be felt throughout the Islamist terror community
and the Internet is crackling with "chatter" about
who will take Zarqawi’s place at third base on the al-Qaeda
company softball team.

Zarqawi teamed up with Osama bin Laden in 1999 after
the two met at a terror jamboree in Afghanistan, but sources
say Zarqawi had a falling out with his former mentor and once
told Al Jazeera that, ever since 9/11, bin Laden "thinks
he’s Allah that."

Services
will be held tomorrow at Fatwa Brothers Funeral Home. In lieu
of flowers and dates, donations may be made in Zarqawi’s name
to the American Armageddon Fund or the Inhumane Society.

Related stories:
Zarqawi
the Pinhead cartoon causes carnage — Feb. 8, 2006

Al-Zarqawi’s
approval rating falls — Nov. 25, 2005

Osama
Bin Laden’s list of travel demands — March 24,
2006

Bin
Laden’s driver linked to Miss Daisy — March 30,
2006

Satan
fails to destroy Earth

By John Breneman

Humanity and its allies claimed a major victory in the War
on Satan on Tuesday, surviving a heightened risk of tsunamis,
earthquakes, terrorism, bird flu, locusts and the raging hellfires
of the apocalypse.

The Department of Homeland Security has dropped the Armageddon
Risk Level from orange to yellow. The FBI would neither confirm
nor deny that it is investigating scattered antichrist sightings
throughout the Bible Belt.

Predictions that the advent of June 6, 2006 (aka 666) would
bring about the end of the world proved false. However, leading
underworld experts warn this is no guarantee that the devil
will not wipe us all off the face of the planet tomorrow.
Or the next day. Or the Fourth of Freakin’ July.

Tuesday’s triumph of good over evil was cause for celebration
— and mankind marked the occasion by burning vast quantities
of petroleum, warming the globe with war and industrial waste.

The beast could not be reached for comment.

Related storIes:
Global
warming caused by increased activity in Hell

Nostradamus
issues terror warning — Aug. 2, 2004

Iran agrees to nuclear talks, but not nuke-u-lar

By
John Breneman

Sources say President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is ready to accept
President Bush’s offer to open talks with Iran if it stops
monkeying with uranium, on one condition — Bush must agree
to correctly pronounce the word "nuclear."

"I’m sick of hearing that chump talk about Iran’s ‘nuke-u-lar
ambitions,’" said Ahmadinejad. "We want NUCLEAR
weapons — I mean energy — not nuke-u-lar."

Washington insiders say Iran’s offer is insincere because
Ahmadinejad knows Bush will never abandon his beloved alternative
pronunciation of the explosively symbolic n-word.

Nevertheless Ahmadinejad said he has much in common with
the man he has come to call "The Decider," pointing
out that they’re both kinda slow and despised throughout most
of the world. Also, the Iranian leader said, he just had to
put a bunch of people to death for singing the Iranian anthem
in English.

In a related development, China said it supports the U.S.
move to engage Iran in "nuke-ree-er" negotiations.

Related stories:
Bush’s
new Iranian pen pal — May 12, 2006

Bill
would ban singing anthem in Pig Latin — May 3,
2006

Iran
gets bird flu bomb — April 24, 2006

Cheney slays 12 in 21-gun salute

By
John Breneman

Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally gunned down a dozen
spectators while performing a Memorial Day 21-gun salute at
an undisclosed location.

Cheney apologized for the holiday mayhem, saying he thought
he saw a quail out of the corner of his eye. A bald eagle
remains in critical condition.

A spokesman said Cheney feels really bad about the incident,
but remains upbeat about sending 2,500 U.S. soldiers to their
deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq.

The vice president, who wisely obtained five deferments to
avoid going to Vietnam as a young man, complained that the
media always ignores all the "good news" on Memorial
Day.

Meanwhile President George W. Bush, who wisely used family
connections to avoid going to Vietnam as a young man, gave
a speech saluting "the fallen" whom he had pushed
into battle.

Conn.
woman fights for one of her cat’s lives

Feline rights advo-cat

A Bridgeport, Conn., woman is pleading with the court to
spare her cat the death penalty for terrorizing and attacking
neighbors, the
Associated Press reported today.

The razor-clawed perpetrator, identified only as Lewis, allegedly
laid siege to an unsuspecting Avon lady as she emerged from
her vehicle. He is also accused of three counts of biting
a different victim, leaving three sets of fang marks and eight
deep scratches as Exhibits A through K.

The cat’s owner, Ruth Cisero, faces a second-degree reckless
endangerment rap for her sidekick’s violent hissing fits.
One of Lewis’ victims is pressing for cat capital punishment,
but Cisero is fighting to save one of her little buddy’s lives.
Tuesday’s court proceeding was attended by several pro-Lewis,
animal rights purr-otesters.

Biggest unanswered question:
Would any criminal activity in one of Lewis’ past lives
be admissible in court?

Jacko
wacko about Jimmy Hoffa

By
John Breneman

Michael Jackson today joined the hunt for Jimmy Hoffa, saying
he will pay up to $2 million for the bones of the legendary
union boss, who went missing in 1975. A spokesperson for the Elephant
Man confirmed that Jacko is wacko for Hoffa.

Jackson reportedly showed up at an FBI search site in suburban
Detroit with a Gucci man-purse full of cash and a team of
monkeys equipped with ground-penetrating radar. After a brief
dance atop his custom stretch limo/backhoe, Jackson explained
that his jones for Jimmy’s bones dates back to the 2002 when
he and Macaulay Culkin co-wrote a Hoffa screenplay while hopped
up on Jesus juice. Slated to star Ashton Kutcher as a vacuous
douchebag who wants to locate the missing labor leader to
impress a chick he’s trying to nail, the film’s working title
is "Dude, Where’s Hoffa?"

The Humor Gazette has learned that some of Hollywood’s biggest
names are hopping on the Hoffa bandwagon, hoping to cash in
on renewed public interest in the Teamsters president’s rotting
corpse. Harrison Ford is developing a script for "Indiana
Jones: Quest for Hoffa’s Bones" and sources say Madonna
is pitching a pinball machine love scene with the elusive
labor boss in "Desperately Seeking Hoffa."

Meanwhile, leading Hoffa-ologists say it’s unlikely his remains
will be found at the Michigan horse farm now swarming with
G-Men because he is actually alive and well in Argentina,
where he lives on a heavily fortified llama ranch with Elvis
Presley and Hitler’s love child.

Other
theorists say Hoffa survived a 1975 attempt to shove him into
the trunk of a late-model sedan and bury him in the end zone
of the Giants Stadium, only to be "whacked" by a
hitman connected to the Soprano crime family.

Related story:
Cheney
implicated in Soprano shooting — March 13, 2006

Ono! … Yoko to blame for McCartney
split

By
John Breneman

Yoko Ono, widow of John Lennon and perhaps the world’s most
reviled scapegoat, is responsible for the breakup of Paul
McCartney’s marriage to Heather Mills, the Humor Gazette has
learned.

Sources say Mills "really dug" McCartney, but eventually
fell under the spell of Ono’s shrill and relentless portrayal
of Paul as a creative midget next to the God-like genius of
John. Musical analysts say Ono’s new single "(I Ain’t
Sayin’ She a) Peg-Legged Gold Digger" — a three-minute
shriek accompanied by a chorus of baby harp seals in various
stages of distress — could be a subtle dig at Mrs. McCartney.

The latest polls reveal that Ono is also receiving a hefty
share of the blame for the trouble in Iraq, the immigration
problem and rising gas prices. The growing anti-Ono ire is
good news for the Bush administration, which announced it
has evidence linking the notorious band-wrecker to the attacks
of Sept. 11, 2001.

Ono’s approval is nearing its all-time low of 3 percent in
when the Beatles broke up in 1970, thanks to her. She recently
provoked ire in the Muslim world by saying she is "bigger
than Allah."

The
eccentric widow could not be reached for comment because she
is channeling all her karmic energy into her latest project
— a one-woman plastic Ono neo-coed naked Zen minimalist Haiku
mosh pit.

Related story:
Pitt
split: world mourns Brad-Jen apocalypse — Jan.
12, 2005

America on the fence on immigration
reform

By
John Breneman

Illegal aliens will be streaming across the border tonight
to catch President Bush’s prime-time address on how to stop
illegal aliens from streaming across the border.

The president is calling in the National Guard and suddenly
our friend Mexican President Vincente Fox is craving some
of that sweet uranium yellow cake.

Analysts say Mexicans are backdooring it into America because
they want to share the same eroding rights and liberties enjoyed
by U.S. citizens. Meanwhile, the latest poll reveals that
99 percent of the nation’s estimated 11 million illegal immigrants
could not be reached to participate in the latest poll.

Surveys show Americans are on the fence — a high-voltage,
barbed-wire fence — when it comes to border security and
immigration. 29 percent of Americans believe that, given his
track record of visionary leadership from Iraq to New Orleans,
President Bush is sure to figure out a wise solution to the
immigration tsunami.

However, 68 percent believe the U.S. could strengthen its
position on immigration and other issues by deporting Bush
to Mexico. Another 3 percent support "shipping them dang
aliens straight back to Mars."

On Thursday, President Bush will pay a video-op visit to
the Mexican border. Tentative plans call for Bush to chase
down a fleeing illegal on his mountain bike and give him the
old "Hasta la vista, baby."

In a related development, presidential pop George H.W. Bush
has offered to pull a shift patrolling the Rio Grande in his
supercharged cigarette boat.

Related stories:
House
passes Spanish "Banner" ban — May
3, 2006

Frito
Bandito busted on immigration charges — May 4,
2005