The
trouble with Valentine’s Day

Sometimes,
Jay mused to himself as he scanned the sports page on a
blustery mid-February morning, life just isn’t fair.

Here it was Valentine’s Day, and he was feeling more than
a bit lonely and depressed that all his relationships had
failed, even the ones he’d truly hoped would last.   (READ
MORE)

Happy birthday, Sarah Palin

Chapter
2: The Early Days

Baby Sarah was born Feb. 11, 1964, in a nondescript manger
in Sandpoint, Idaho, but moved to Alaska just six weeks
later when her parents fled the Gem State to escape the
ever-present threat of socialism.

READ
MORE:
"(Real) America by Heart: Reflections on
(Exploiting) Family, Faith and Flag (For Fun & Profit)"

Humor Gazette buys The Daily Palin for $315M

The Humor Gazette, the underground media/satire
conglomerate that claims to trace its roots to the Revolutionary
War, has purchased The Daily Palin for a reported $315 million.

The blockbuster deal shocked media analysts,
coming amid speculation that the controversial Palin satire
site was about to be gobbled up by one of the handful of
media companies that now own everything.

In addition to stock options, sources say
the mega-sale included five caribou pelts, a box of guns
and an undisclosed sum of cash rumored to be in excess of
$4.

Humor Gazette CEO John Breneman said the acquisition
made financial sense despite Palin’s plummeting approval
numbers, because her disapproval numbers are skyrocketing.
Polls show Americans equally divided on whether Palin will
run for president, foment an armed revolution or goad some
maniac into taking a shot at "Death Panel" Obama.

"Obviously, since Tucson, Palin is just
not even remotely funny anymore," he said. "But
as long as she keeps firing off hateful, incoherent rants
against the president — and the media keeps lapping it
up — she’s a hot commodity." The Daily Palin also
offers Palin products ranging from "Gall
of Duty" video games to Sarah’s
Super-Sensitive In-Your-Face Cream for Ultra-Thin Skin,
and a parody book titled "(Real)
America By Heart: Reflections on (Exploiting) Family Faith
and Flag (For Fun & Profit)."

Sources say The Daily Palin’s head writer
is taking an indefinite medical leave to combat ailments
(including malignant soul
weevils) triggered by Palin’s rare ability to spread
cancer without actually having it.

Headquartered in New York, Los Angeles and
London, with brand-new international bureaus popping up
in skyscrapers from Dusseldorf and Dubai, the Humor Gazette
is also said to be eyeing The Daily Romney, Gingrich Aficionado
and The Huckabee Post.

Talk to the Hannity: Palin says
left won’t ‘shut me up’

By
John Breneman

Still smarting from her non-role in the Arizona shooting,
Sarah Palin last night reminded millions of Fox viewers
that the right of free speech does not come with a responsibility
of coherence.

In a blockbuster interview with colleague Sean Hannity
last night, Palin wove defensive talking points into her
trademark rambling gibberish, spinning free of Hannity’s
softballs to stick it to those hateful lefties (unofficial
transcript).

Her main point: It was unfair, actually "reprehensible,"
to examine the possible role of inflammatory right-wing
rhetoric and images in the actions of an "apolitical
or perhaps even left-leaning criminal."

Got that? Unfair to talk about her alleged bullseye/"Reload!"
call to arms. Perfectly OK to talk about the shooter as
a possible "left-leaning criminal."

Because in Palin’s world right is righteous and left is
evil.

"I mean it reminds me that those on the left — if
it weren’t for their double standards, they’d have no standards."

Oh, snap! An oldie but a goodie. Palin liked that pre-planned
zinger so much, she used it again to duck Hannity’s second
futile attempt to elicit any insight about her "blood
libel" comment.

"Blah, blah, blah," said Palin. "So, again,
it was part of that double standard thing and goes back
to if it weren’t for those double standards, what standards
would they have, I suppose." Take that, lefties!

Palin was correct about one thing: "I know that a
lot of those on the left hate my message."

Yes, many on the left are disgusted by her message — that
America’s president hates America, pals around with terrorists
and wants to kill your grandmother. And that his wife is
evil, too.

Even
Hannity must have been frustrated about being BS’d by a
colleague he was trying to help out of a jam. She couldn’t
deliver a straight answer to any of his questions — even
one about the target map being removed from her Web site.

Hannity
invited Palin to engage in honest reflection about the role
of weaponized rhetoric and images in our political discourse.

After all, the nation was still eager to hear her sincere
views on the unfortunate coincidence: that a congresswoman
whom Palin had targeted with a bullseye on a map and a call
to "Reload!" — and who admonished Palin on video
that such actions have "consequences" — was shot
in the head.

But Palin’s answer to any criticism — or even a simple
request for straight talk — is always the same. "They’re
not going to shut me up."

No surprise that Hannity’s interview sidestepped the question
Palin will never answer: How did you feel seeing the video
in which Rep. Giffords says, "We’re on Sarah Palin’s
targeted list … (with) the crosshairs of a gun sight over
our district. When people do that, they’ve got to realize
there are consequences to that action"?

For that is a question that intrudes on the narrative that
Palin and her fellow right-wing bomb throwers are the true
victims.

*  *  *

American
spirit triumphs at Arizona memorial

Fox
clears Palin in Arizona massacre, targets left

Dear
Sarah: advice columnist

By
John Breneman

When President Obama announced last night
in Arizona that "Gabby opened her eyes for the first
time," tears began to stream from mine.

Then I wished for Sarah Palin to open her
eyes, and her heart, because yesterday was a day of healing.

The president saw that clearly and responded
with true leadership and uplifting words at the memorial
for the victims of the Arizona massacre.

CLICK
HERE FOR MORE

Washington: ‘Shining’ city upon a hill

By
John Breneman

Turns out a mental condition was to blame for the Arizona
tragedy. Not only that, the shooter was mentally
ill, too.

Yes, I’m saying our entire political-media industrial complex
is mentally deranged. Unhinged. Bonkers. Psycho.

What other diagnosis is possible for an allegedly reasonable,
Democratic system in which the president is routinely demonized
as a foreign-born, racist, Nazi who hates white people and
wants to kill your grandmother?

A rich-get-richer society in which rabid forces protect
the rights of psychos to have machine guns?

A public forum that fails to hold leaders accountable for
poisoning the air with shouts of: "Armed and dangerous!"
"Second Amendment remedies!" and "Don’t retreat
— RELOAD!"

It is difficult to understand, but somehow our entire political
system seems to have slipped through the mental-health safety
net — despite all the red flags.

Yes, dear citizens. With apologies to Ronald Reagan and
Jack Nicholson, our beloved Washington D.C. has become a
"Shining" city upon a hill.

Fox clears Palin
in Arizona massacre, targets left

By
John Breneman

Sarah Palin’s metaphorical trigger finger reportedly has tested negative
for gunshot residue from the Arizona massacre.

Forensic analysis will reveal that the shooting of U.S.
Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and slaying of six others was actually
the work of a lone lunatic named Jared Lee Loughner (not
Sarah Palin).

A
spokesman issued a statement
clarifying that when Palin featured Rep. Giffords and other Democrats
on a hit list, mapped their locations with bullseyes and
urged supporters to "RELOAD," she did not intend
for anyone to literally shoot the evil Dems she had targeted
with crosshairs.

The spokesman explained that while Palin enjoys using
guns-and-ammo imagery to stoke the political climate and
boost her outdoorsy image, she resents having it backfire.

Fox News today officially ruled out Palin as a suspect,
focusing instead on the true villain — the Arizona sheriff
who suggested that hateful political "vitriol"
may have had a role in the massacre.

Issuing a correct but transparently self-serving call for rhetorical restraint
(intended to pre-empt criticism about its own culpability
in the toxic environment), Fox trotted out commentators
to bash anyone raising the obvious question of whether the
visceral political anger cultivated by the right could incite
actual Second Amendment remedies.

Finding itself in the unusual position of tamping down
heated rhetoric rather than stoking it, Fox urged restraint
— suggesting it is wrong to discuss the impact of political
hate speech in America because here is no smoking-gun proof
that Loughner was motivated by political rhetoric.

Tea
Party strategist Sal Russo slammed the left as "irresponsible"
for such speculation — irresponsibly speculating that the
shooter was "obviously a left-wing anarchist."

(Russo concluded with a seemingly irrelevant slam against
President Obama for running around "apologizing"
about America. Perhaps due to the solemnity of the situation,
he generously omitted the Nazi president’s penchant for
"palling around with terrorists.")

Another Fox talking head dared Obama to defuse the nasty
political climate that Fox has meticulously cultivated and
exploited — concluding her call for statesmanship by dubbing
the president "a bit of a robot."

Meanwhile, the NRA is gearing up to battle anyone who seeks
to make it harder for mentally deranged people to obtain
semiautomatic weapons. (Look for a sweet new campaign targeting
advocates of more sensible gun laws with crosshairs and
bullseyes!)

*  *  *

Related:
David
Frum: What Sarah Palin should have said about Tucson shooting

Dear
Sarah: advice columnist

Tweety Bird sues Twitter for $500M

By
John Breneman

Twitter, the phenomenally popular social networking service,
faces a massive lawsuit that threatens to cripple its ability
to transmit millions of inane messages known as "tweets."

13 O’Clock News has learned that beloved cartoon icon Tweety
Bird is suing Twitter for $500 million. (See
VIDEO.)

Attorneys for diminutive yellow bird charge that Twitter,
whose logo is a diminutive blue bird, is guilty of "toppy-white
infwinz-ment" and theft of "inta-wectual pwa-puddy."
The suit also requests unspecified damages for "pain
and tuffawing."

A spokesman for Mr. Bird demanded that Twitter cease and
desist from using the term "tweet" in its business
practices – claiming that it is confusing consumers and negatively
impacting the Tweety Bird product line of pajamas, lunchboxes,
fridge magnets, bobbleheads and speech impediment DVDs.

However, technology analysts say Mr. Bird may simply be hoping
to cash in on the meteoric micro-blogging service before it
is displaced by the next cyberspace flash-in-the-pan.

Studies show that many users quit Twittering after the first
15-30 minutes, and that Twitter is already losing ground to
such newly emerging rivals as Fritter, DillyDally, TimeSuck
and LollyGag.com.

And while supporters point to its vital role spreading real-time
information about the unrest in Iran, critics say the service
is used primarily by time-wasting tech nerds to share news
of their latest bowel movement, and by pompous celebrities
to validate their gargantuan egos.

Other new services vying to become the next big thing include:
WhySpace, Babble, iChatter and Spammy.

Also: Yammer, BrainFreeze, SlackBerry and AssBook.

In other legal news:
Ex-Chihuahua
sues Paris Hilton