Bush’s
new pen pal

The Humor Gazette has obtained a copy of Iranian President
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s followup letter to President Bush:

Dear Mr. President George W. Bush —

OK if I call you Dubya? I think maybe there’s some bad blood
between us, so I’m writing this letter because I really want
to have relations with you.

By the way, how’s Mrs. Bush and the girls? I hope they enjoy
the complimentary burkas. Sheesh, I just had to stone the
bejesus out of Mrs. Ahmadinejad because I caught her watching
"Oprah" on the Devil’s picture box. Women, eh? Can’t
live with ’em; can’t deny them basic human rights and dignity.
Oops I forgot, you can.

So maybe we could get together sometime. Doesn’t have to
be a big fancy "summit" or anything, just two guys
having some coffee or a couple dozen beers. Yeah, we could
go up to your place in Kennebunkport and play some tennis
or go fishing on your dad’s cigarette boat.

Now you might be asking yourself, "What’s in it for
me?" For one thing, I’ll stop calling you "The Great
Satan." You don’t need that hassle. How about "The
Best Satan Ever"? Now that’s some respect.

Also, please enjoy the Whitman’s Sampler of dates and sweet
mutton truffles. Oh, I almost forgot: What’s wrong with us
having a little taste of uranium yellow cake. For electricity,
man. Not for bombs, I swear. It’s all good.

Anyway, have your people call my people and we can set up
a meeting at a Starbucks. Good luck with those approval ratings,
amigo!

Your pal,
Mahmoud

Related story:
Iran
develops bird flu bomb — April 24, 2006

Finally, a standup comic who kills. He may stop by occasionally
to crack a joke.

After I thought of him (not the most original play on words
ever), I Googled and discovered the Grin Reaper is no stranger
to the Internet. There is even a Web
site bearing his name.

Bush
announces
CIA switcheroo

By John Breneman

Heckuva job, Georgie. Looks like another told-you-so moment
for the Bush administration — as the latest of W’s blatantly
cronyesque appointments blows up in his face. It’s the intelligence,
stupid. This just in:

WASHINGTON — President Bush today named Gen. Darth Vader
to head the CIA despite warnings from senior Republican storm
troopers that he was making another boneheaded appointment.

Vader, who favors wiretrapping
the brains of all Americans, may face trouble in Senate confirmation
hearings because Bush has proven himself incapable of making
sensible nominations to any post. (Brownie and Supreme Court
reject Harriet Miers were two of his best.)

In August 2004, Bush picked Rep. Porter Goss to head the
CIA even though Goss’ work providing oversight of the C.I.A.
as chairman of the House Intelligence Committee was deemed
ineffective by the commission investigating the 9/11 attacks.

The Humor Gazette spoke for many voices critical of the Goss
nomination with its headline: "Bush
intelligence decision lacks intelligence."

But you can understand Bush’s thinking at the time. He was
engaged in a tough re-election battle against John Kerry,
and Goss (R-Fla.) had recently denounced Kerry’s intelligence
record on the floor of the House.

Now, just because Goss got squeezed out after weakening the
world’s largest spy agency with cronyism and incompetence
doesn’t mean he has any involvement in the emerging D.C. corruption
and prostitution scandal, according to a high-ranking
GOP hooker close to the case.

Additional speculation swirls around what kinda medal
Bush has in mind for Gossie.

House
passes Spanish "Banner" ban

By
John Breneman

The House today passed a bill making it a federal crime to
sing the national anthem in Spanish, while also criminalizing
the crooning of the "Star-Spangled Banner" in French,
Chinese, Arabic and Pig Latin.

The measure also outlaws the wearing of hats — from baseball
caps to sombreros — and establishes fines for slouching,
mumbling, cellphone-talking and nose-picking during the grand
old song.

A related provision seeks to protect the integrity of the
Stars and Stripes by making it a crime to take the flag’s
name in vain — effectively banning such antipatriotic epithets
as "Flagonnit," "Mother flagger" and "What
the flag?!?"

The bill is seen as a positive development for supporters
of a constitutional amendment to ban flag-burning. A new initiative
would also ban flag-mocking, flag-smoking and flag-sodomizing.

Related story:
Uncle
Sam vs. Frito Bandito — April 3, 2006

Bush
clone romantically linked to first lady

By
John Breneman

Scientists at the University of South Berwick say they have
successfully cloned a multi-cell organism that bears a striking
resemblance to President George W. Bush. The president sharply
criticized the scientific breakthrough as "morally wrong."
But the Bush clone (dubbed W2) believes just as strongly that
human cloning is "morally right." This according
to its creator, Dr. Gene Meddler.

The White House hopes the clone — said to be smarter, funnier
and better looking than Bush — will help boost the president’s
sagging approval rating. Sources say the W2 clone is also
a superior mountain-bike rider, a top-notch brush clearer
and an excellent "decider."

The clone made its first public appearance Saturday at the
annual White House Correspondents’ Association dinner and
wowed the crowd with its genial personality and ability to
pronounce the word "nuclear."

But the randy Bush doppelganger also fueled rumors of a romantic
link with First Lady Laura Bush, whom it described as "muy
caliente," or "very hot."

The clone also took a shot at Dick Cheney, reporting the
VP was "drunk as a skunk" when he blasted a guy
in the face with a shotgun.

However, the clone allowed President Bush to deliver the
evening’s funniest line: "I’m feeling pretty chipper
tonight — I survived the White House shake-up."

Related story:
President
cloned by Dr. Gene Meddler — Dec. 3, 2001

Bush
as commander-in-cheek — April 5, 2006

Burger King overthrown in Nepal

By
John Breneman

Hundreds of thousands of protesters flame-broiled an effigy
of the mystical, magical Burger King to celebrate the overthrow
of their nation’s embattled monarch.

The demonstrators pressured the King into handing power back
to parliament, but say his action does not resolves their
beef and fails to satisfy their appetite for regime change
with fries. They claim His Majesty — who is derisively called
"Murder King" by People for the Ethical Treatment
of Animals — is guilty of political and nutritional oppression.

Demonstrators in the capital of Kathmandu chanted, "The
King has blood on his hands!" But royal press secretary
Angus Steakburger said forensic testing confirmed that was
actually just ketchup.

A recent approval rating poll revealed that 76 percent of
the Himalayan kingdom’s 27 million residents find the King
"creepy." Another 62 percent said they or a family
member had been hospitalized after consuming a Meatnormous
Breakfast Sandwich.

Deposed Burger King spokeslut Paris Hilton could not be reached
for comment.

Related stories:
Burger
King intervenes in Schiavo dispute — March 30, 2005

Iran
develops bird flu bomb

By
John Breneman

Iran today announced successful testing of what it calls
the world’s first bird flu-based weapons system.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, acknowledging that his nation’s
campaign to develop nuclear weapons had ruffled feathers internationally,
said Iran would abandon nukes in favor of bird flu bombs,
which he claimed are just as effective and far less expensive.

"Cheap, cheap, cheap," said Ahmadinejad, who made
the announcement with a brightly colored parrot perched on
his left shoulder. "You just take some avian flu — only
the finest H5N1 strain of course — swab it onto the tip of
a missile and, kablooey, a million dead infidels."

At one point, the parrot interrupted to shout, "Polly
wanna uranium yellow cake?" The parrot also called President
Bush a "bird brain" and squawked about "wiping
Israel off the face of the map."

Experts warn that bird-to-human transmission of avian flu
has killed hundreds, but that millions could die in a pandemic
if the deadly virus mutates into one capable of human-to-human
transmission. However, health officials have failed to consider
the full impact of missile-to-human transmission.

Iran has consistently thwarted the efforts of U.N. bird flu
inspectors, prompting new fears that scientists there may
also be monkeying around with swine flu, mad cow and monkeypox
bombs.

Related stories:
Big
Bird quarantined for avian flu — Nov. 7, 2005

Mad
cows sent to anger management — March 7, 2005

Heckuva
job, Bondsie

By John Breneman

California Gov. Arnold
Schwarzenegger today joined a growing number of politicians
and retired generals calling for the resignation of steroid-corrupted
baseball antihero Barry Bonds.

"I love steroids, but I don’t do them no more
because they made me grow breasts like a girly man,"
said Schwarzenegger. "Barry Bonds should ‘terminate’
his career."

Major League Baseball is pressuring Bonds with economic sanctions,
imposing
a $5,000 fine for his nonconforming wristbands.

Bonds apparently thought he could illegally bulk up, turn
his already potent bat into a weapon of mass destruction and
be showered with flowers and dates for liberating baseball’s
home run records. Instead he has been targeted by syringe-flinging
insurgents. Politicians from both sides of the aisle are making
their pitch for Bonds to step down.

"Hit the showers punk," said Sen.
Jim Bunning, the Hall of Fame rightie from Kentucky.

"Boooooo!!" said Gov.
Bill Richardson, the New Mexico left-winger who loves
baseball so much he used to claim he had been drafted by the
A’s.

Retired Gen. Hammerin’ Hank Aaron reportedly did not say,
"That chump should just hang up his jockstrap and wait
for his nuts to shrivel."

A spokesman for Bonds’ steroid-enlarged head said the
embattled star blames his woes on the media and other
unidentified "haters."

Related stories:
Bonds
rages against steroid allegations — March 8, 2006

Canseco
claims he did ‘roids with Bush — Feb. 14, 2005

President suffers from Rummy ache

By
John Breneman

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld circled the Humvees yesterday
to square the record against criticism that he has warped
the Pentagon into some sort of creepy trapezoid or rhombus.

Rumsfeld confirmed he had no plans to resign, but said he
was seriously considering shooting somebody in the face with
a Patriot missile.

Calculating reporters pressed the familiar "critics
say you wrecked Iraq" angle but the obtuse statesman
did a cute job deflecting the media third degree.

Asked why he would offer to resign over prison torture, then
torture millions of innocent Americans by refusing to step
down now, the embattled Washington warlord gave a chuckle
and said, "Just call it idiosyncratic."

The arrogant and autocratic death minister barked down a
question on whether he was arrogant and autocratic, then when
pressed grinned, "You know me."

Rummy can afford to be cocky (arrogant and autocratic). His
boss had just recognized his visionary role in achieving the
administration’s pre-9/11 objective of regime change in Iraq
by giving him the old "Heckuva job, Rummy" of the
Month. See, President Bush knows it is awful hard work jamming
a trumped-up, ill-planned war down the world’s throat.

The words Presdident Bush used to bestow the vote of confidence
were these:

"I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I
know the speculation" about Rumsfeld being an incompetent,
evil war pig, Bush said. "But I’m the decider, and I
decide what is best. And what’s best is for Don Rumsfeld to
remain as the Secretary of Defense."

The Decider has spoke. All hail the Decider.

* Stay tuned to see what the Decider decides to do about
Iran, North Korea and the gaping flesh wound he and his cronies
have inflicted on the word "integrity."

Related commentary:
Meet
the Secretary of Serenity — Dana Milbank / Washington
Post

The
poetry of D.H. Rumsfeld — Slate

Boston
Marathon madness

Bloated from Easter candy and strict adherence to the miracle
Jelly Bean Diet, I get tired just thinking about the Boston
Marathon. I might be able to make it the whole, grueling 26.2
miles, but only if I purchased a state-of-the-art motorized
wheelchair.

So I won’t be running again this year — my 45th consecutive
year of not running in the Boston Marathon. Or any marathon.
Or any distance greater than, say, 500 yards.

However, imagination being what it is, I had a grand time
pretending to run in the marathon last year. Here is my report:
Boston
Marathon fan wins Armchair Division.

In
other April-related fake news, U.S. counter-terrorism officials
would neither confirm nor deny that the
Easter Bunny is being held for questioning about a
clandestine overnight operation that exposed the nation’s
children to countless tons of teeth-rotting weapons of mass
confection on Sunday.

Sources close to the floppy-eared holiday icon claim he is
being interrogated in a cramped mesh-bottom cage in Guantanamo
Bay. The charges: periodontal terrorism and 52 million counts
of contributing to the obesity of a minor.    MORE