Dubai

goes
bye-bye

By John Breneman

President Bush today declared "mission accomplished"
in the Dubai ports deal, calling the Arab company’s decision
to divest its U.S. holdings a victory in his new campaign
to avoid a Republican Party civil war.

Bush said the collapse of the Dubai Ports World deal, though
it may SEEM like another example of stone-cold administration
incompetence, is actually a blessing because it removes a
potential distraction from the even more vital Halliburton-Iraq
Civil War deal.

The president reiterated that, as soon as he became aware
of the controversial ports contract, he immediately conducted
a thorough security review to determine whether it increased
his vulnerability to external political attack.

He also reminded fellow Republicans that he is not afraid
to deploy a pre-emptive veto in a ham-handed attempt to squelch
insurgent activity within the GOP.

Bonds rages against steroid allegations

By
John Breneman

Barry Bonds angrily denied allegations of steroid use today,
smashing several airplanes and buses to underscore his claim
of innocence.

A spokesman said a new book detailing Bonds’ reputed steroid-shooting
and gobbling will not affect his quest to amass the largest
head in baseball history.

When asked by the media whether he was "ripped"
on steroids at that moment, the giant Giants slugger responded
by grabbing 5-9, 185-lb. shortstop Omar Vizquel, swinging
him like a bat and knocking over several cameramen.

Bonds, who needs just 48 home runs to surpass Hank Aaron’s
all-time record, said he plans to do that by May, break his
own single-season mark of 73 in late July and then die of
liver failure and exploding testicles around September.

Related stories:
Canseco
claims he did steroids with Bush — Feb. 14, 2005

Incredible
Hulk implicated in steroid probe — March 18, 2005

Oscar
the Grouch snubbed at Oscars

By
John Breneman

Oscar the Grouch is claiming he actually wrote the script
for Best Picture winner "Crash," only his version
was called "Trash" and instead of cops it focused
on garbage men.

A spokesman said the notoriously grumpy muppet has been furious
at Hollywood for decades, believing he was snubbed by the
Academy for his 1974 performance as a hirsute, green Stanley
Kowalski in "Sesame Streetcar Named Desire."

"Crash" beat out "Brokeback Mountain,"
the fabulous gay cowboy sensation loosely based on a story
conceived by Ernie and Bert.

Talk about your Oscar Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer
baloney.

Amid all the sassy speculation about which actresses had
hair/leg/breast extensions or whether a naughty Isaac Mizrahi
would sexually assault one of the starlets, here are a couple
funny soundbites from the eyebrow analysts over at E:

"So who knows? Maybe Mariah will have an Oscar
very soon."
E’s Ryan Seacrest,
noting the pop singer is making a movie with somebody Halle
Berry worked with on "Monster’s Ball"

"Young girls out there, that’s the body you want."

E’s Giuliana DePandi,
urging impressionable teens to use Salma Hayek as their body-image
role model

"When someone says ‘no comment’ it means ‘yes’."
US Weekly’s Ken Baker,
on Naomi Watts not denying that Nicole Kidman is marrying
Keith Urban

Bush
announces pro-Bush initiatives

By John Breneman

President Bush today announced several bold initiatives designed
to reverse his stinky approval numbers. Polls show Bush has
stayed the course all the way down to 34 percent, while confessed
gunman Dick Cheney has blasted his way down to 18 percent.

Bush has been bashed for blowing off Hurricane Katrina and
is now getting soaked by Political Storm Dubai. After threatening
to use his first presidential veto to ram the ports deal through,
he may instead invoke his second presidential "re-do."
Bush says Alberto Gonzales told him he gets three. His first
was the now-hilarious Harriet Miers debacle.

Also, because bad approval numbers are bad for White House
morale, Republican leaders today passed the Patriotism Act,
making it a misdemeanor to criticize the commander-in-chief
or vote against him in a poll and authorizing the government
to wiretap anyone suspected of making fun of the president.

Bush hopes to score points with some tough talk for terror
jerk Osama bin Laden. He pledged to catch his al Qaeda counterpart
"dead or alive or in a vegetative state" and boosted
the reward to $50 million, some Halliburton stock options
AND a two-day, two-night stay in the Lincoln bedroom.

Anna Nicole’s Supreme Court sex romp

By
John Breneman

Anna Nicole Smith realized her dream of stripping and sleeping
her way to the United States Supreme Court yesterday, seeking
$88 million and 60 million megawatts of free publicity for
her career as a boozy-blond-stripper-model-reality-TV-ho-silicone-liposuction-diet-scam-pitch-bitch.

The pig-ignorant ex-Playboy fleshpot hit the tabloid jackpot
when she wed a near-dead Texas billionaire in 1994, but her
$474 million winnings were cut to $88 million, then zero,
in a legal war that has built to this dramatic Supreme Court
climax.

The court today heard oral sex arguments on whether Smith
deserves any cash for banging a shriveled-up geezer old enough
to be her great-great-grandfather’s rich boss. It will not
address unsubstantiated claims that the 90-year-old oil tycoon
was smothered to death by his 26-year-old wife’s world-famous
gazongas, but sources say Smith is eager to invoke her Second
Amendment right to bare breasts.

Smith, who has demonstrated and apparent knack for turning
white trash to gold, appeared in court wearing a conservative
black dress from the Oliver Wendell Holmes collection.

Chief Justice John Roberts opened the proceeding by offering
to boost the potential damages to $88.5 million if Smith would
"allow the court to have a closer look at her enormous
assets."

Rookie Justice Samuel Alito was restrained by a bailiff while
trying to stuff loose bills into Smith’s cleavage and Wonkette.com
reported that Justice Clarence Thomas "appeared to be
engaged in vigorous note-taking underneath his robe."

The court is not expected to revisit Ho v. Wade, the landmark
1973 decision protecting a woman’s right to choose matrimony
with a filthy rich patsy so wrinkled he looks like a fetus.
The core issue appears to be what one legal analyst called
the "skank-titty of marriage."

Tomorrow, Donald
Trump will appear before the Supreme Court to promote
the upcoming season of "The Apprentice."

Related
stories:
Judge
Roberts faces abortion litmus test — July 29,
2005

Bush
pal hits jackpot — Oct. 3, 2005

‘Madman’
Hussein pleads insanity — Nov. 28, 2005

Fake
obit:
Tweedle D. Rodriguez

The Humor
Gazette regrets to inform you that the following fake
obituary may be just the first in an unfortunate series of
phony death notices …

Tweedle D. Rodriguez of Los Angeles, N.H., formerly of Albania
and Guam, a retired ant farmer and semi-professional pan flute
master, died Sunday of complications involving an emergency
tracheotomy with a Krazy Straw. He was 46.

A native of Bermuda Triangle, Fla., Mr. Crenshaw was raised
under a highway overpass in Butte, Mont., and later lived
in a drainage culvert in upstate Wyoming.

He worked for many years as a pan-handler, regaling passers-by
with chants of, "Gimme your goddamn spare change or I’ll
use this jagged tin can lid to infect you with the HIV virus."
He enjoyed not paying taxes and carrying all his possessions
in a kerchief tied to a hickory stick, but disliked being
called "a friggin’ hobo."

Mr. Rodriguez turned his life in around 1989 after a religious
epiphany in which he claimed God appeared to him in the form
of an Iraqi used car salesman. Despite a lack of formal education
he graduated from Harvard in 1991 with a quadruple PhD in
algebraic psychology, political photosynthesis, forensic theology
and Euclidian geothermal metaphysics.

He is survived by his father, Willy Bob of Arkadelphia, Ark.;
seven step-mothers; and 12 children that he knew of. He had
also disowned five aunts and uncles, and 17 nieces and nephews.

A traditional Japanese funeral Mass will be held at 10 a.m.
tomorrow at Our Lady of the Divine Chainsaw, followed by cremation
in the kiln at Torchy’s Ceramics and Crematorium. In lieu
of flowers, please send scratch tickets to a malnourished
Sudanese orphan of your choosing.

Cheney
slays 4 in Olympic biathlon incident

By
John Breneman

Vice President Dick Cheney has blown away the field in his
quest for an Olympic biathlon medal in Torino. Literally.

Cheney successfully shot a Russian, a German, a Frenchman
and a North Korean in the sport that combines cross-country
skiing with rifle shooting.

The vice president was penalized for killing his rivals,
but his cumulative time — and their sudden absence from the
competition — was good enough to earn him a place in the
finals.

Now the Wyoming outdoorsman is one step closer to his dream
of blasting his way Olympic gold. A Cheney medal for the U.S.
would be seen as a victory in the war on terror, said President
Bush, who was forced to pull out of the men’s luge competition
due to a strained groin.

Related stories:
Cheney
accidentally detonates nuclear weapon — Feb. 14,
2006

VP
Cheney’s "To Do" list — Feb. 13, 2006

Vice
president outlines plan to choke John Edwards — Oct.
6, 2004

Bush backs Pakistan train deal

By John Breneman

President Bush said today that it is important to give control
of major U.S. ports to a country with ties to terrorism because
failure to do so might "send the wrong message"
to wealthy businessmen.

"In a post-9/11 world it is important to restrict basic
civil liberties, but hey, business is business," said
Bush, who emphasized that "Mikey and Rummy and Gonzo
and the gang have all signed off on the deal." Bush said
security at the ports is so tight that it would be nearly
impossible for a terrorist to "hijack a ship and crash
it into a skyscraper."

He vowed to veto any attempt to block the deal, and said
it is bad for morale for Congress and the media to expose
the president as a blithering idiot. Bush said he also is
reviewing a deal to put Pakistan in charge of U.S. trains
and another to give Iran control of U.S. nuclear plants.

Vice president suffered
Vietnam deferment flashback

By John Breneman

Doctors say Vice President Dick Cheney may have been under
the influence of a "Vietnam deferment flashback"
when he opened fire on a hapless hunting partner.

"Most Vietnam flashbacks involve traumatized combat
veterans," explained Dr. Rene Palmer. "But in a
case like Cheney’s, subconscious guilt about ducking military
service himself then sending thousands of young Americans
to die in an unnecessary war could cause an … episode."

The resulting hallucinations may have made attorney Harry
Whittington appear to the disoriented Cheney as North Korean
leader Kim Jong Il.

The Surgeon General warns that Cheney may also suffer from
Gulf War Syndrome.

Related stories we are pursuing at presstime:

— AG opinion: Prez and VP have unlimited authority to
shoot people

— Insurgent quail leader releases videotape warning of
more ‘accidents’

— Police guard victim, fearing VP may try to ‘finish
him off’

Cheney accidentally
detonates nuclear weapon

By John Breneman

Vice President Dick Cheney, already under fire for failing
to report that he shot a man in the face over the weekend,
is tight-lipped about a new report that he accidentally set
off a nuclear warhead in the Marshall Islands last week.

Sources say Cheney, a longtime weapons of mass destruction
enthusiast, was simply cleaning the launch mechanism when
the bomb suddenly went off. Fortunately no Americans were
killed in the blast, but a local dude ranch owner said some
unidentified natives were "peppered" with radiation.

Administration spokespinata Scott McClellan sustained moderate
damage during a relentless assault by the White House press
corps, demanding to know why five days had elapsed without
the vice president mentioning that he had triggered a mini-nuclear
holocaust.

Cheney received a warning from the United Nations for failure
to report a mushroom cloud. But a spokesman for the Nuclear
Rights Association said the NRA stands behind Cheney’s Second
Amendment right to bear arms that are capable of destroying
the planet.