Confessions of a Fake Journalist
The Year in Satire / By John Breneman
Two-thousand-five was a sensational year for veteran fake journalist
Arturo DiMaunchie, despite having fatwas issued against him
by both Muslim and Christian extremists.
Despite being hit with multiple multimillion-dollar libel
suits for stories like
"Aliens seize Tom Cruise’s brain" and "Angelina
Jolie romantically linked to Kim Jong Il."
Despite becoming the target of a smear campaign by GOP attack
wolverines for his relentless criticism of the White House
("President
received faulty intelligence from God" /
"Bush
puts the moves on Saudi prince").
And despite alienating journalistic colleagues with his June 17 scorcher, “Terri Schiavo autopsy reveals media in persistent vegetative state.”
Nevertheless, the two-time Pulitzer Prize loser produced
an impressive string of exclusives for the Humor Gazette with
major scoops in the fields of religion ("God
announces plan to cut non-essential humans"), economics
("Al
Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal ’05")
and the environment ("Global
warming caused by increased activity in Hell").
Critics like Bill
O’Reilly may claim the Gazette is unpatriotic for making
fun of Mr. Bush ("President
‘punked’ press, public with Iraq gag," April 1).
But
no one could accuse it of being soft on terrorism. Not with
headlines like "Al
Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of dung" and "London
attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks."
The Gazette also was lauded by Dr. Phil, Dr. Dre and Dr.
Kevorkian for its explosive medical scoop
"French doctors perform first ass transplant."
Our
hard-hitting coverage of Bush administration malfeasance in
2005 began with the Jan. 7 report
"White House in doghouse over puppy choice."
President Bush came under fire for selecting a Scottish terrier
instead of an American breed as the cuddly new White House
puppy. However, the animal was fully vetted by the FBI to
assure it has no links to any extremist terrier organizations.
In early January ’05 Hollywood was abuzz with insipid wordplay
in reporting the tragic news that the
Pitts had called it quits.
Whatever the case, the
Pitt split seems legit. Or is it too early to write the couple’s
obit? The mega-super-duper-couple seemed so close-knit, but
in the end was it just a bad fit? And why, why oh why, do
we give half a shit?
Prince
Harry apologized for wearing a Nazi uniform to a costume party,
attributing his lapse in judgment to a combination of booze,
ecstasy and crack in the exclusive Jan. 14 interview
"When Harry met Nazi."
"I thought it would be a gas," said the 20-year-old
prince, whose hobbies include partying and disgracing the
English throne.
On Jan. 18, we finally got around to filing some New
Year’s resolutions ("cut back on the procrastinating").
For reasons we are not at liberty to explain, the piece is
illustrated by a custom
President Bush Pez dispenser. Topping the list of things
to avoid in ’05: Getting punched in the face, cerebral bypass
surgery, identity thieves and tapeworms.
The re-inauguration of War President George W. Bush Jr.,
Commander-in-Chief of the "USS Mission Accomplished,"
was attended by a parade of dignitaries that included including
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesus Christ and Dick Cheney’s lesbian
daughter. Arturo DiMaunchie (writing as he often does under
the mild-mannered pseudonym John Breneman) filed the fair
and balanced Jan. 20 story, "Bush
sworn in on a stack of Bibles."
On Jan. 26 we broke the story that President Bush
was considering taking a part-time
job to keep up his $1 billion-a-day war habit. "Bein’
president is hard work," he told the Gazette, adding
that he was willing to pump gas or get a paper route if it
helps bring democracy to the whole wide world. But those closest
to the president say the job he is best suited for is "clearing
brush."
Attorneys
for Satan are taking a hard look at DiMaunchie’s Jan. 27
investigative scoop: "Global
warming caused by increased activity in Hell."
The University of Helsinki study revealed that "snatching
of souls is up 7.2 percent over the previous fiscal year."
Underworld spokesman Scorchy Crisp denounced the findings
as "all fire and brimstone, no smoking gun."
The Iraqi election was hailed as a triumphant first step
in that country’s violent transition to an Islamocratic form
of government in the Jan. 31 dispatch, "Dewey
hammers Truman in Iraqi election." Despite
a few hanging jihads, the election was considered a raging
success. But most holy war pundits agreed it would still be
a rocky road to Iraqi democracy.
Behind
the fuzzy pageantry of the annual Groundhog Day theatrics
in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, the Gazette got the real story
in "Groundhog
predicts nuclear winter" (Feb. 2). The rodent
prognosticator also took a small dump said to portend rising
gas prices.
On Feb. 4, a stringer in the Gazette’s Baghdad bureau
broke the story "Al
Jazeera to broadcast Super Bowl" (American Gridiron
Devils XXXIX). The Arabic telecast featured commercials for
a debilitating condition called "Iraq-tile dysfunction,"
an extravagant halftime display of surface-to-air fireworks,
and a five-second delay to guard against any possible burka
malfunction. John Madden revealed the first-ever Allah-Madden
Team.
The
Michael Jackson plot thickened with the Feb. 9 blockbuster,
"Tinky
Winky claims ‘Jacko touched me.’" During a
visit to Jackson’s Neverland ranch, Mr. Winky said he felt
positively gay while riding roller coasters and feeding giraffes,
but became uncomfortable after Mr. Jackson gave him some "funny-tasting"
Kool-Aid and then dangled him over a balcony. A spokesman for Mr. Jackson denied
the allegation, but said there is nothing wrong with sharing
your bed with a plush purple doll.
The North Korea situation flared up on Feb. 11 ("Gunfight
at the WMD Corral") when Kim Jong Il challenged President
Bush to a nuclear showdown, daring the president to meet him
at high noon in a tumbleweed-infested ghost town near Pyongyang.
On Feb. 16 Michael Jackson’s medical team announced
that the frail, pasty pop star would not be able to stand
trial because he was suffering from "the vapors."
With its star in the hospital, production ground to a halt
on the set of "The
Making of the Michael Jackson Molestation Trial."
Gazette
reporter DiMaunchie became embroiled in the bizarre case of
fake White House press corps journalist/male prostitute Jeff
Gannon/James Guckert ("Satirist
stripped of White House press credential.")
Unlike Gannon — memorably seen asking Bush how he plans
to work with Democrats who seemed to have "divorced themselves
from reality" — DiMaunchie was deemed to have gone too
far Feb. 18 when he shouted, "Mr. President, how
can I get me some of that Armstrong Williams money?!’"
The annual onslaught of moronic President’s Day automobile
advertising gimmicks prompted a blast of executive branch
sarcasm in the Feb. 21 screed "Abe
and George drive hard bargain."
For
some reason, I feel it is my (Honda) civic duty to (Ford)
focus on the (Acura) legends who have served in the White
House over the past (Buick) centuries. Each of these (Dodge)
intrepid men had his own (Mercury) mystique and wisdom that
will help our next president chart a prosperous (Eagle) vision
for the new (Mazda) millennia. … Is it any wonder that President’s Day has devolved into a
vehicle for eight-cylinder consumerism?
Readers seeking guidance to get through the winter found
solace in the Feb. 23 astrological parody, "Common
sense horoscope." What’s your sign?
ARIES (March 21-April 19) Paying more than $700
for a lollipop could be financially unsound. Opt for a mundane
evening at home over a three-state crime spree. Avoid fire.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Using words may help you
communicate your thoughts. Reconsider plans to have your eyelids
sewn shut. Keep sulfuric acid away from children. Etc.
On
Feb. 25 a grateful reader reported losing 452 pounds
on the controversial Humor
Gazette Diet. "I admit I was skeptical, didn’t
believe I could lose weight by combining unusual delicacies
like goat beef and Lucky Charms cereal. But before I knew
it, that extra quarter-ton of blubber had disappeared and
my skin hung on me like a cheap radiation suit." — Patti
Arbuckle
In the March 4 story "Martha
Stewart to introduce stylish line of ankle bracelets,"
the convicted felon/media superstar revealed some exciting
new recipes for bread and water, as well as a decadent Chocolate
Hacksaw Layer Cake. She also offered some handy tips for polishing
those tarnished brass knuckles and 101 uses for a broken razor
blade.
DiMaunchie blew the lid off a top-secret government health
program in the March 7 exclusive "Mad
cows sent to anger management."
"These
cows must seek professional help to confront their inner rage,"
said Dr. Milton Shepherd of the U.S. Department of Agriculture.
"If this mad cow situation is not contained quickly,
before we know it we could have a mad pony epidemic on our
hands. Not to mention mad chickens and mad pigs. They say
mad kittens are the worst."
On March 9, political unrest in Lebanon threatened
to throw the world
Syrian bread market into a state of upheaval not seen
since the olive oil embargo of the early 1970s. Syrian bread prices climbed sharply for three straight days
amid heightening tension between Washington and Damascus and
international calls for a boost in output from OPEC (the Organization
of Pita Exporting Countries). CNN Middle East correspondent
Baba Ghanouj characterized U.S.-Syrian relations as "falafel."
Back
to you, Dan. ("Rather
goes out in a blaze of … courage?" March
11 … Ironic that Dan Rather, whose most colorful Ratherism
involved "walking through a furnace in a gasoline suit,"
saw his career end in a crackling hickory fire of self-immolation.
… In retrospect, he didn’t need documents as phony as a
Michael Jackson’s nose to make the point that President Bush’s
National Guard record is lamer than a three-legged armadillo.
News
of a low-level anthrax scare at two Washington mail facilities
prompted the alarmist March 16 doggerel "Going
postal over anthrax."
Run for your lives! Anthrax is back! Just as you thought
it was safe to relax, comes news of a possible anthrax relapse.
Is it a false alarm or a threat of real harm? I’m hyped up
to see how the media reacts.
I’ve never been one of those hypochondriacs, but now I’ve
got this itchy spot on my thorax. I’m worried my homeland
security is lax; yesterday I thought I saw white powder on
my tan slacks.
DiMaunchie’s ongoing probe into the performance-enhancing
drug epidemic yielded the March 18 exclusive, "Incredible
Hulk implicated in steroid probe."
The
Hulk has repeatedly denied using illegal substances, attributing
his rage and pants-busting physique to a "laboratory
accident" involving exposure to "gamma rays."
But sources say Captain America will testify that he once
injected the Hulk’s buttocks with Mutant Growth Hormone.
At least one reader accused the Gazette of blasphemy for
publishing the March 25 scoop "Pope
suffers pulled hamstring." Pope John Paul II,
whose ongoing health woes sidelined him for the services leading
up to Easter in 2005, received more bad news on Good Friday.
Sources say the pope — twice named "Sexiest Pontiff
Alive" by Papal Magazine — suffered a pulled hamstring
while sprinting down the first-base line to beat out a drag
bunt during a spirited game of whiffle ball.
Attorneys
representing Jesus H. Christ threatened to sue over the March
28 shocker "Easter
Bunny detained."
U.S. counter-terrorism officials would neither confirm nor
deny that the Easter Bunny is being held for questioning about
a clandestine overnight operation that exposed the nation’s
children to countless tons of teeth-rotting weapons of mass
confection on Sunday. Sources close to the floppy-eared holiday
icon claim he is being interrogated in a cramped mesh-bottom
cage in Guantanamo Bay. The charges: periodontal terrorism
and 52 million counts of contributing to the obesity of a
minor.
More blasphemy was on the menu in the gut-busting March
30 report "Burger
King intervenes in Schiavo case." A Florida man was
arrested for trying to bring Terri Schiavo an Enormous Omelet
Sandwich, the controversial new 730-calorie breakfast gut-buster
from Burger King. The man, later identified as Dagwood Bumstead,
was clubbed to the ground by a police officer who then consumed
the massive blob of food*.
President
Bush got us good on April
Fool’s Day, when he revealed that he had "punked"
the public and the press with his outrageous Iraq gag. "Gotcha.
Heh-heh," Bush said to a slack-jawed pack of media jackals
assembled for the April 1 press conference. "You
been punk’d."
"The whole weapons of mass destruction thing, the stuff
about Saddam being linked to al Qaeda. … I mean we even
had FOX News telling people Iraq had to pay for Sept. 11.
It was classic," said Bush, barely able to control his
glee. "And I couldn’t have done it without all you guys,"
Bush told the assembled media.
After a brief struggle with Terri Schiavo and Pope John Paul
II, Jacko
reclaimed control of the media spotlight April 4
with a videotaped message to the millions around the globe
calling for world peace and heightened tolerance of well-meaning
albino pedophiles.
Osama
bin Laden may be wily enough to elude Wile
E. Coyote but he was not fooling U.S. intelligence by
ditching his traditional turban look in favor of a jaunty
straw hat he found at Wal-Mart. ("Bin
Laden hat trick won’t fool CIA," April 6).
A British intelligence source says there is emerging evidence
that the lanky hate-monger was spotted drinking a pina colada
at Trader Vic’s. His hair was perfect.
On April 8 the Gazette’s crack team of satirologists
administered a questionnaire
designed to advance mankind’s understanding of the cutting-edge
field of humor column research. Guinea pig/readers were told
"the data you provide here will help us tap into the
very marrow of the human funny bone."
The
Rev. Jesse
Jacko jumped back into the spotlight on April 11.
Dissatisfied with the amount of attention he received by poking
his nose into the Michael Jackson and Terri Schiavo media
events, Jackson
launched a campaign to become the first black pope. A
source close to Jackson’s massive ego said he formed an exploratory
committee after being encouraged to run by such influential
figures as P. Diddy, LaToya Jackson and the Rev. Al Sharpton.
To assist in the worldwide search for a new pope, the Gazette
offered Vatican officials a free classified ad ("Help
wanted: Pope," April 18).
Tired of devoting day after day to a selfless, monastic
existence serving the Lord but never receiving the adulation
of the masses? We are centuries-old religious institution
with a billion loyal, guilt-ridden followers seeking a dynamic,
saintly, CEO-type to take our organization "to the next
level" at our busy corporate/spiritual headquarters in
Vatican City. …
Job is primarily spiritual, requiring long hours of prayer
and administering time-honored rituals. Physical duties limited
primarily to lighting candles and waving smoky decanters,
but must be able to endure wearing a three-foot-tall, 40-pound
hat for extended periods. …
Pope Benedict XVI took office and sent a strong message on
April 25 that he would have little tolerance for anyone
calling him by the nickname "Eggs," as in Pope
"Eggs" Benedict XVI. A source close to the Egg
Man said he was afraid this might happen when he selected
the name Benedict, but decided to forge ahead rather than
switch at the last minute to Pius or Cyrus or Dubya.
The
tabloids and the mainstream press alike swooned over the pictures
of the president canoodling with the prince. ("Bush
puts the moves on Saudi prince," April 27).
Holding hands with his special friend Prince Abdullah, President
Bush said he tried everything to get the bashful Saudi monarch
to drop the price of oil — from flowers and chocolates to
butterfly kisses and promises of geopolitical favors. …
But don’t expect Bush’s wooing to pay off at the pump. Despite
charming him with pickup truck rides, sources say the president
couldn’t even get to second base with the sexy Saudi.
President Bush announced on April 29 that if we do
not act now America will run out of gas by 2041. He then unveiled
an Energy Security reform plan that gives people the option
of establishing personal
petroleum accounts. Energy analysts said it was too early
to tell if his military drilling of Iraq will yield dividends.
The
Georgia
bride-to-be who disappeared days before her wedding and told
police she had been kidnapped vanished again May 2,
this time leaving a note saying she had been abducted by two
alien beings in a late-model blue UFO with out-of-galaxy plates.
Friends say she was depressed over how the moral decline of
the media threatens the sanctity of marriage.
Immigration
officials arrested the Frito Bandito at the Mexican border
on May 4, allegedly trying to transport an 18-wheeler
full of illegal aliens to a corn chip-processing facility
in Chula Vista, California. The CIA tried torturing the alleged
Bandito, but all he would say was, "Badges? We don’t
need no stinking badges."
Mother’s Day brought a fresh clue in the hunt for Osama bin
Laden as authorities on May 9 tracked the elusive terrorist
mama’s boy to Akbar’s House of Flowers in Afghanistan, where
he sent his mom a cheap bouquet and a cheesy card promising
"the
mother of all Mother’s Days."
Humor
Gazette Media Inc. on May 11 announced a new venture
that promised to "redefine the way America obsesses over
freakish celebrities" — the
24-hour Jacko Channel. Original programming included "CSI:
Neverland," "Everybody Loves Jacko" and "Law
& Order: Jacko Victims Unit."
The Rolling
Stones announced their "Rock the Hospice" tour
on May 16. The Stones (affectionately known as "Their
Arthritic Majesties") updated many of their best-loved
songs to reflect their advanced age — including "Jumpin’
Jack Kevorkian," "Bypass Surgery for the Devil,"
"You Can’t Always Get the Prescription Drugs You Want"
and "Gimme Assisted Living Shelter."
Newsweek reported May 20 that, for the third consecutive
week, the Koran was ranked #1 on the New York Times most-flushed-down-the-toilet
list ("Shiite
hits the fan over bum Newsweek report"). The magazine’s
controversial report about alleged mistreatment of the holy
book sparked outrage in the Muslim world and, of course, plenty
of senseless killings. Osama bin Laden vowed to seek vengeance
by farting on a Bible if someone could just FedEx one to his
cave.
On
May 23, President
Bush said shocking photographs of Saddam Hussein in his underwear
published in a London tabloid prove he possessed a terrifying
arsenal of BVDs. Bush invited the civilized world to join
him in mocking the defrocked dictator and his feeble act of
"half-naked aggression."
Though there were fewer new-born Saddams coming into the
world, the Gazette reported on May 27 that the
top baby name for 2005 was "Jacko," this according
to noted moniker expert Rachmaninoff Aspercreme Jr.
June 1 marked one of several Humor Gazette exclusives
that literally shattered the Earth to its molten core in 2005.
("Watergate
source revealed to be porn star")
The
identity of America’s most famous anonymous source has finally
been laid bare. The Watergate informant known only as "Deep
Throat" is porn star Linda Lovelace, who also starred
in a movie by the same name. Media analysts agree this gives
new meaning to the term "whistle blower" … Lovelace
always denied her role in blowing the lid off the Watergate
scandal, saying in a 1999 interview with Hustler magazine,
"Mmmph bwallph gagh Nixolphg." But investigative
reporter Bob "The Wood Man" Woodward today confirmed
the explosive revelation about Lovelace and said the spunky
source urged him to "follow the money shot."
A
startling development in the Michael Jackson molestation trial
on June 3 ("Jacko’s
inner child cites years of abuse"). To substantiate
the charge that he abuses young boys, prosecutors introduced
a photo of Michael Jackson at age 10, then placed it next
to a recent image of the freakish-looking pop star and said,
"Just look what Michael Jackson did to this innocent
little boy."
The Iraq death toll on June 6 stood at zero, as DiMaunchie
reported that several suicide
bombers called in sick. This marked the first day in recent
memory that no dim-witted Muslim extremist jackass had blown
himself, and bystanders, to smithereens. Among other excuses
utilized by would-be suicide bombers that day:
— Accidentally sent bomb vest to the dry cleaners
— Ran out of gas on the way back from sabotaging an oil refinery
— Found out he was allergic to his own mangled flesh
— Claimed mission would interfere with lifelong dream of
crashing an exploding Hyundai into the Eiffel Tower
— Figured out he could make more money selling Saddam Hussein
memorabilia on eBay
— Realized that Allah, like most self-respecting deities,
actually frowns on killing innocent people in his name
Once the shark tears
off your legs, the seat cushion keeps your bloody
torso afloat.
|
On a return flight from a June 8 an international
botox symposium in Omaha, investigative reporter DiMaunchie
obtained a copy of a controversial
new airline industry safety pamphlet. Sample tips:
— Always check under your seat for terrorists before takeoff.
— Please keep all genitalia inside your clothing for the
duration of the flight.
— Customers may enjoy our complimentary oxygen during the
death plunge.
An
anonymous source close to Jennifer Aniston’s pedicurist fed
us the startling June 13 exclusive "Angelina
Jolie romantically linked to Kim Jong Il."
The international paparazzi was on a state of high alert,
with tabloids willing to pay up to $10.3 million for a photograph
of the weapons-lusting dictator "canoodling" with
the movie bombshell.
Reaction
to the Michael Jackson verdict took a violent turn June
14 amid reports of anti-Jackson forces clashing with pro-Jacko
extremists around the globe. Reporting live from Baghdad,
DiMaunchie called the situation there "bad" and
"dangerous" as he described a wave of looting, pillaging
and baby dangling sparked by the news that America’s most
bizarre megastar was acquitted on four counts of "Beat
It" with a minor.
On June 17, the autopsy
of Terri Schiavo confirmed that not only was Schiavo indeed
in a persistent vegetative state, so too was the entire media
that exploited her tragic death with sensationally executed
overkill. Analysis revealed that although the media’s ability
to reflexively emit knee-jerk, soundbite "coverage"
of important issues may make it appear there is cognitive
activity, in reality the media as we once knew it has gone
largely brain-dead.
Hitler
reared his ugly head again on June 24, when Sen.
Dick Durbin had to apologize for his jackboot-in-mouth use
of the words "Nazi" and "U.S. troops"
in the same soundbite. The blitzkrieg of blowback on Durbin
demonstrated once again that mentioning Nazis in any context
is about as smart as cracking a bomb joke to an airport security
guard.
A full week after his now-legendary address, the Humor Gazette
offered this June 27 salute to the president’s astonishing
oratory: When future generations assess the legacy of President
George W. Bush, they will surely reflect on his now-famous
"I
think about Iraq every day" speech of June 20, 2005.
Asked what he thought of Dick Cheney’s load of bull about
the insurgency being in its "last throes" when violence
there is actually increasing, the president deftly disarmed
the blatantly anti-patriotic question by saying, "I think
about Iraq every day — every single day."
Critics say Bush’s keen understanding of the fact that
he is getting people killed "every day" suggests
he may be ready to adopt a more realistic view of Iraq than
that laid out in his now-historic "Mission Accomplished"
address.
Possible
future Humor Gazette owner Tom Cruise refused to comment on
the status of his $2.1 million lawsuit against the Gazette
for the June 29 fake news exclusive "Aliens
seize Tom Cruise’s brain."
Reporting
"live" from a July 4, 1776, barbecue at Thomas
Jefferson’s house, DiMaunchie filed an exclusive first-person
report from the
first Fourth of July. The Washingtons — George, Martha
and little Denzel — stopped by with some of Martha’s famous
lo-carb cherry pie, considered to be the tastiest in the Colonies.
Then, blasted back to reality. ("London
attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks,"
July 8): The terrorist group claiming responsibility
for the deadly blasts in downtown London, the Secret Organization
of al-Qaeda in Europe, "couldn’t bomb its way out of
a paper bag," according to a spokesman for a rival gang
also trying to take credit, the Brotherhood of Black Panther
Mujahdeen Extremist Mofo Pisspot Razzmatazz. Also claiming
responsibility: the Tupac Shakur Liberation Front, the Balsamic
Vinegar Jihad and the Islamic Bowel Movement of Asshat Jumanji. Three days later, a dangerous al-Qaeda affiliate calling
itself the al-Roker Umbrella Jihad issued a statement claiming
responsibility for Hurricane Dennis and warning we would soon
feel the
wrath Hurricane Akbar.
On July 15 best-selling
children’s book wizard Harry Potter — already under fire
from evangelical Christian groups and even the Pope for promoting
witchcraft — now faces charges
that he has used performance-enhancing potions.
In yet another diversion from the horror of "real news,"
DiMaunchie reported on July 18, "Pillsbury
Doughboy Kidnapped." In a brazen act
of culinary terrorism, intruders armed with razor-sharp butter
knives kidnapped the Pillsbury Doughboy from the heavily guarded
Pop ‘n’ Fresh compound in Crescent City, California. No group
has claimed responsibility for the abduction of the Doughboy,
the cherubic, flour-white baking industry icon who is the
sole heir to the vast Pillsbury fortune. But a ransom note
scrawled in chocolate frosting at the scene demanded that
four dozen unmarked fudge brownies and $50 million be deposited
in a Danish bank account.
America’s new legal superstar burst onto the scene on July
20 ("Court
pick seen as victory for oppressed white Christian male").
But by nominating U.S. Appeals Court Judge John G. Roberts Jr.,
President Bush disappointed those who hoped he would add diversity
to the Supreme Court by picking the nation’s first openly
gay Mexican-Chinese transvestite albino jurist.
On July 22, one of the spineless dirtbags involved
in a bombing attempt in London claimed he and his cohorts
botched the job because their
fanatically anti-American education has left them hopelessly
stupid. … "The teachers didn’t care if you
could read," admitted Wak-Jaab al-Jalopy, a 1995 graduate
of America-Must-Die Junior High in Islamabad. "As long
as you demonstrated intense hatred of the American pig-dogs
they would just pass you on to the next grade. In fact when
I was in sixth grade, I was already hating America at a ninth-grade
level."
The Gazette on July 25 obtained a sneak
peak at the Iraqi Constitution. Etched on the finest Mesopotamian
papyrus, it calls for the creation of an Islamocratic form
of government with a democratically elected House of Mullahs
run by Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
Article I. Congress shall make no law abridging
the freedom of the press to publish or broadcast celebrity
drivel, rank speculation and blatantly biased opinion-mongering
as "news."
Supreme
Court expert Arturo DiMaunchie handed down the following analysis
of the president’s nominee in the colorful July 29
article "Judge
Roberts faces abortion litmus test." While
Republican supporters hail John G. Roberts as a strict constitutionalist
who will certainly vote to overturn Roe v. Wade, Democratic
critics are assailing the Supreme Court nominee as a strict
constitutionalist who will certainly vote to overturn Roe
v. Wade.
A
grimy-faced spaceship
mechanic named Rusty made history with a 58-foot robotic
Craftsman socket wrench on Aug. 3. NASA officials say
the historic repair of some fabric dangling from the space
shuttle’s underbelly was an unqualified success. But more
technical woes lurk on the horizon, including a squeaky timing
belt and a possible blown gasket in one of the vessel’s powerful
V-8,000,000 engines.
DiMaunchie’s vigilant coverage of the war on terror continued
with the Aug. 5 story "Al
Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of dung." Said
FBI spokesman John Doe, "That’s why they call him al
Qaeda’s ‘number-two man’ — because he’s a cowardly piece
of (bleep)."
Gas
prices soared to record highs the weekend of Aug. 13-14,
fueling a corresponding spike in the use of crude language
at the pump. "Bleep," said petroleum consumer Joe
Ford while pumping gas in Hyannis, Mass. "Nowadays when
I hit the gas, I go from zero to $20 in 3.7 seconds."
This
just in (Aug. 22): The percentage
of the brain that people actually use — once estimated
to be 10% — is now approximately 8.2% and falling rapidly,
according to a new study in the prestigious Imaginary Journal
of Medicine. The percentage of the brain utilized ranges from
12% in places where there is no cable TV to a stultifying
5.9% in greater Washington, D.C., according to neurologist
Dr. Sarah Bellum.
God
Bless the Rev. Pat Robertson (aka "The
Sermonator," Aug. 29). Robertson claimed the
Lord appeared to him in a vision and said He wanted U.S. special
forces to "smite" Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez
by "busting a cap in his loins." God also mentioned
He wants North Korean leader Kim Jong Il to "sleep with
the fishes," according to Robertson, who said the Creator
has targeted three top Iranian leaders to be "iced"
or "whacked."
U.S. gang leaders reported Sept. 9 that skyrocketing
fuel costs are crippling their ability to administer "drive-by"
shootings. "The pump price for unleaded has increased
the cost of pumping a punk full of lead," said the noted
gangland economist Notorious S.T.P.
Buffeted
by Category 4 criticism for botching the federal response
to Hurricane Katrina, embattled FEMA chucklehead Mike Brown
was sent home Sept. 12 to prepare for his new post
as the national poster-boy for governmental dementia. "Brownie,
you’re doin’ a HACK of a job."
Asked his position on Roe v. Wade — the landmark 1973 decision
guaranteeing all fetuses the right to own a gun — Judge
John Roberts on Sept. 13 declined to comment on
whether he would confirm or deny his position or non-position
on any hypothetical issue that may or may not come before
the Supreme Court.
On
Sept. 14, DiMaunchie reported that Gilligan,
the lovable TV knucklehead known to billions as "Little
Buddy," was assassinated
by the CIA because he "knew too much." Some
say Gilligan claimed to have sensitive information about a
certain "three-hour booze cruise" that President
Bush took during his National Guard career.
In a move certain to "revolutionize" the way people
blow money on intensely hyped gadgets, Gillette
on Sept. 16 unveiled a state-of-the-art, five-blade
razor featuring a built-in cell phone, MP3 player, Internet
connection and GPS navigation. With its patented satellite-feed
technology, the device will also enable shavers to watch a
full selection of NFL games on its high-definition, five-millimeter
plasma screen, said company spokesman Les Nixon-Cutts.
IBS News anchorman Reid Page won a fake Emmy for Best Animated
War Coverage ("SpongeBob SquareBodyArmor") on Sept.
19. Humor Gazette Media also was honored for its critically
acclaimed Made-for-TV Terror Dramas:
"Sleeping With the Yemeni," "Last Tango in
Pakistan," "Man in the Iron Mosque," "Allah
Doesn’t Live Here Anymore" and "Al Qaeda on the
Western Front."
Donald
Trump called President George W. Bush into his boardroom
Sept. 21 to deliver bad news to the embattled CEO of
America Inc. — "You’re
fired."
"For a guy with a bachelor’s from Yale and an MBA from
Harvard, you don’t have much sense, do you?" said Trump,
who seemed to enjoy making Bush squirm a bit before dropping
the axe on the slack-jawed former president.
Imagine
the dangerous aroma of a freshly fired 9mm semiautomatic handgun.
Blend in the rich, pungent aroma of a burlap sack stuffed
with $100 bills. Now add a delightfully naughty whiff of urban
skank ho.
Introducing
50 Scent — a gangsta-licious new fragrance created by
platinum-toothed rapper 50 Cent. Just dab some on your neck,
behind your ear and all around your groin area to drive the
ladies wild. (Sept. 23)
Troubling economic news on Sept. 26:
"God announces plan to cut non-essential humans."
Citing a burgeoning, unruly populace and dwindling natural
resources, God today unveiled a plan to streamline the operations
of Planet Earth Inc. by eliminating an estimated 30 million
positions. A PR spokesman for the Lord said He is "sick
and tired" of humans abusing His bountiful creation and
breaking all Ten Commandments as if they weren’t even etched
in stone.
Days later, one of God’s slimier creations was charged with
political dirty tricks ("Rep.
Tom DeLay named ‘Big House’ Majority Leader"). DeLay,
who is pretending to be innocent, faces a potential two-year
prison sentence, though some Democrats have called for him
to be hanged. DeLay announced plans to relinquish his post,
citing a desire to "spend more quality time with my defense
attorneys."
The White House
on Sept. 30 issued a statement denying that President
Bush faltered during the crucial early phase of Hurricane
Katrina because he was busy making ads for a new medication
used to treat hemorrhoids.
Asked if the selection of a longtime friend who once gave
personal legal advice to President Bush smacked of cronyism
("Bush
pal hits jackpot," Oct. 3), a White House
spokesman pointed out that in selecting Harriet Miers the
president passed up an opportunity to nominate his brother,
his dad and several cousins. Sen. Ted Kennedy has reportedly
demanded samples of her brain tissue.
A Homeland Security janitor tipped the Gazette to the Oct.
7 scoop "Power
outage linked to squirrel terrorists." A rogue squirrel
knocked out power across much of the city in a brazen daylight
suicide mission that caused an estimated $74.2 killion damage.
Employees at one local dot-com were startled to find the company
no longer existed when the electricity came back on.
On
Oct. 10, the Humor Gazette named Bertha Monroe of Battle
Creek, Michigan, "Sexiest
Woman Alive" for 2005. This sexy sexagenarian —
a former burlesque dancer and mother of 15 who subsists largely
on tequila, grilled cheese and Jell-O shots — is still swinging
at age 69. Her turn-ons include quilting and world peace.
Two days later, DiMaunchie reported a butt-ugly Florida woman
was suing five friends for drugging her, throwing her in the
back of a van and forcing her to have unwanted cosmetic surgery
for a controversial reality program called "Hostile
Makeover." The plaintiff — battered by liposuction,
hip reduction, dental reconstruction and silicone dysfunction
— ended up winning $100,000 on a new reality show called
"Sue That Reality Show."
The
Gazette scooped mainstream media meteorologists with the Oct.
21 report, "Hurricane
Wilma hits Bedrock." Hurricane Wilma whistled
through the prehistoric town of Bedrock, Fla., early today.
Early reports predicted the Category 4 storm might reduce
the village to a heap of rubble, but officials now say damage
was minimal because all the houses are made entirely of stone.
The death toll stood at zero, but there was one report of
a barefoot man howling in pain when a bowling ball fell on
his foot.
White House counsel Harriet
Miers withdrew her nomination for the Supreme Court (Oct.
27), a move widely seen as an admission that she would
not be able to win confirmation from the Senate Judiciary
Committee, despite her plan to bake yummy chocolate-chip cookies
for the entire panel. White House advisers decided Miers could
better serve the administration in her current role as counsel
during the upcoming "indictment phase" of the Bush
presidency.
White
House senior adviser Karl
Rove escaped indictment Oct. 28, tearing out of
Washington D.C. before dawn in a black-windowed sedan. He
was considered armed and drunk, possibly hopped up on heroin
or OxyContin, and was last seen heading for an undisclosed
location accompanied by his beloved pet wolverine.
The
Sesame Street Journal reported Nov. 7 that PBS superstar
Big Bird
has been quarantined as a possible carrier of avian flu.
Also wanted for questioning, international chicken kingpin
Col. Harlan Sanders of Kentucky.
The Gazette’s cutting-edge use of familiar animated characters
to satirize the news was illustrated once again Nov. 9
when Curious
George demanded a congressional investigation into the
Bush administration’s handling of pre-war intelligence to
justify launching military action against Iraq. Karl Rove
appeared on "Manipulate the Press" to claim Mr.
George has links to an orangutan terror syndicate, but was
pelted in the face with feces before he could begin his talking
points. The administration backed away from its early strategy
of discrediting Mr. George by citing his lower standing on
the evolutionary scale when it was realized that President
Bush, despite his uncanny resemblance to a wise-cracking chimp,
does not believe in evolution.
His approval numbers sinking like a Siberian thermometer
at dusk, President Bush on Nov. 14 fled to Asia for
his eight-day
"Democracy Rocks/Terror Sucks" tour. The president
told Americans not to worry: Dick Cheney and Karl Rove will
be in charge while he’s gone. During his absence, the president’s
crack team of spin doctors planned to reverse his ailing numbers
by pointing out that his "insufferable jackass"
rating has skyrocketed to 64 percent.
Back
in the U.S., the president’s role in an annual presidential
Thanksgiving ritual inspired the Nov. 23 headline
"Lame duck pardons turkey."
President Bush was not the only leader suffering from a low
approval rating. ("Al-Zarqawi’s
approval rating falls," Nov. 25). DiMaunchie
reported that, faced with plummeting poll numbers, al-Qaeda
douchebag Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was thinking of quitting terrorism
to become a used car dealer. The U.S. has placed a $25 million
bounty on al-Zarqawi’s ass and is offering a $500 reward to
anyone who punches him in the face.
DiMaunchie broke from the pack of media jackals covering
the Butcher of Baghdad’s "Trial of the Century"
with the Nov. 28 report "’Madman’
Hussein pleads insanity."
BAGHDAD
— Charged with first-degree crimes against humanity, a defiant
Saddam Hussein today pleaded "temporary insanity"
— a defense strategy built around the fact that President
Bush has called him a "madman" approximately 12,465
times since Sept. 11, 2001. White House spokesman Scott McClellan
responded that Bush used the term "rhetorically,"
much like the words "weapons of mass destruction"
and "links to al Qaeda."
To prepare for the deadly yuletide season, the Gazette on
Dec. 2 offered its annual "Holiday
health tips." A sample:
— Never attempt to "catch" a gingerbread man, especially
if it is running … running … as fast as it can. (See related
story: "Three killed in high-speed gingerbread man chase.")
— "Popping" holiday bubble wrap can provide hours
of fun for all ages, but it can also kill a baby.
With the rest of the media distracted by some big-deal face
transplant, the Humor Gazette dug deeper for the real story
("French
doctors perform first ass transplant," Dec. 5)
.
PARIS
— French doctors have shocked the medical world by performing
the world’s first successful ass transplant. The patient:
an obese man whose original buttocks was disfigured when he
was attacked by wolverines while eating beef jerky.
Claude Derriere came through the surgery well and is now
under round-the-clock observation to make sure his body does
not reject the ass — or, even more important, that the new
gluteus maximus does not reject him.
President Bush on Dec. 9 drew fire from enraged Christian
extremists who viewed him as the latest enemy combatant in
the rapidly escalating War
on Christmas. The president touched off the firefight
by sending out a White House communication emblazoned with
the incendiary terminology: "Best wishes for a holiday
season of hope and happiness."
Bush claimed he received faulty intelligence from his Christmas
card team and failed to realize the mere mention of "Happy
Holidays" would send some of his biggest supporters into
a yuletide rage. Many critics regard the card as a slap in
the face of Jesus himself.
Several
days later the Gazette learned that Bush, eager to manufacture
some "good news," was considering Santa Claus for
a possible top job in the administration. ("Bush
eyes Santa for Cabinet post," Dec. 13) Analysts
suggested the rotund, white-haired statesman, the nation’s
leading employer of blue-collar elves, would be a natural
for the Department of Elf Education and Welfare. Others suggested
the Department of Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development.
FOX
News scooped rival networks on Dec. 16 by being the
first to declare President Bush the big winner in the Iraqi
elections. The Gazette declared Saddam the big loser.
Baath Party dirtbag Saddam Hussein garnered just 12 write-in
votes in yesterday’s historic election, as voters rejected
his pledge to trim federal spending on rape rooms and his
campaign slogan "No new genocides."
DiMaunchie
closed out 2005 with yet another major scoop, "Al
Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal ’05."
BAGHDAD — Al Qaeda Inc. (NYSE: AQI) reported a 3.6% drop
in revenues for the fourth quarter of fiscal 2005, but an
annual report released today assures shareholders that senior-level
executives remain committed to their bid for a hostile takeover
of humanity.
While
the international terrorist consortium boasted a modest 2.6%
increase in "infidel slayings," it also acknowledged
increasing difficulty filling entry-level suicide bomber positions.
Sources say the company may begin farming out low-level belt-bomb
jobs to migrant workers from Taiwan and Mexico.
To boost revenue Al Qaeda unveiled a new product line just
in time for Christmas and Kwanzaa. Items include T-shirts
("Coed Naked Suicide Bombers" and "Martyrs
Do It in the Afterlife"), toy suicide belts for "Lil’
Terrorists" and an Allah action figure with Kung Fu grip.
Finally, the Gazette poked fun at itself by naming senior
editor Billy
Buck Teefus the 2005 "Moron of the Year." Mr.
Teefus — whose qualifications include burning his trailer
down while trying to cook possum steaks with a welding torch
and his unshakable belief that 2 + 2 equals "elevendy-seven"
— collected a prize package that included a magnum of Milwaukee’s
Best champagne, a fistful of scratch tickets and courtside
seats for his favorite basketball team, the Appalachian Trail-Blazers.
Asked
to sum up what was another tumultuous year in the increasingly
influential field of fake journalism, Humor Gazette reporter
Arturo DiMaunchie said, "The right of a free press to
ridicule the absurd shall not be abridged. And any man who
says otherwise will have to pry this keyboard from my cold,
dead hands."
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Jan 20 2006
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