Holiday
health tips

By John Breneman

— Using a phony-looking, artificial tree instead of a nice,
freshly killed natural tree may reduce your risk of being
consumed in a "Christmas conflagration" by up to
3.2%.

— Never attempt to "catch" a gingerbread man,
especially if it is running … running … as fast
as it can. (See related story: "Three killed in high-speed
gingerbread man chase.")

— If a large, bearded man clad in red gains entrance to
your home through the chimney, hold your fire until you can
ascertain whether or not he is "the real Santa Claus."

— Drinking more than three 10-oz. glasses of spiked egg
nog may inhibit your ability to operate heavy machinery.

— Setting foot in a mall greatly increases your risk of
being crushed and/or trampled by angry mobs of "holiday
shoppers." (See related story: "Three slain in Wal-Mart
Xbox incident")

— Mincemeat is an excellent source of riboflavin

— Failure to be "nice" during the year may reduce
the quantity of material positions you are eligible to receive
later this month.

— Consuming three or more gooey marshmallow treats greatly
reduces your risk of being afflicted with SDD (Sugar Deficit
Disorder).

— "Popping" holiday bubble wrap can provide hours
of fun for all ages, but it can also kill a baby.

— Eating too much foodstuff described as "yummy"
can cause problems in your "tummy."

— Conduct a thorough background check before exposing your
child to a seemingly benevolent "department store Santa."

Related story:
Shop
and awe — Dec. 3, 2004

‘Madman’
Hussein pleads insanity

By John Breneman

BAGHDAD — Charged with attempted genocide and first-degree crimes against
humanity, a defiant Saddam Hussein today pleaded "temporary
insanity" — a defense strategy built around the fact
that President Bush has called him a "madman" approximately
12,465 times since Sept. 11, 2001.

Hussein, clad in a grey suit with no pants and oversized
polka dot clown briefs, denounced the tribunal, berated the
judge, then jumped onto the floor and performed the "Curly
shuffle" while emitting high-pitched whooping noises.

"I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq," said
the disgraced ex-dictator, adding, "Saddam I am. I do
not like green eggs and ham."

Prosecutors conceded that Bush called the defendant a "madman,"
but said the president was beating the term into the ground
"rhetorically," much like the words "weapons
of mass destruction" and "links to al-Qaeda."

The prosecution is calling for the triple death penalty —
hanging then gassing, followed by stoning. The defense reportedly
has offered to plead guilty to voluntary manslaughter and
digging mass graves without a permit.

Wearing a bloody glove on his right hand and a sequined glove
on his left, Hussein shouted "It wasn’t me!" and
blamed the dozens of lookalikes he once used to absorb assassins’
bullets. He pleaded with the judge to release him with an
ankle bracelet so he could begin his search for "the
real genocidal maniac."

Motion denied, the madman called for a brief recess so he
could go out to the parking lot and play some kickball.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Prosecutors say the Humor Gazette
may be called to testify about conversations related to its
May 23, 2005 exclusive
"Photos prove Saddam possessed BVDs."

Related
stories:

A CNN/Al-Jazeera poll revealed
Hussein’s approval rating is at an all-time low.

Legal analysts speculate that several other Gazette/IBS News
scoops may also come up during the much-anticipated next "Trial
of the Century," including:

"Rumsfeld
links Saddam Hussein to … Rumsfeld" —
June 11, 2004

Saddam
Hussein seeking work as a media pundit — March
21, 2005

Saddam
and Osama adopted shaved-ape baby — Oct. 28, 2003

Hussein
pulls lawsuit out of briefs case — May 25, 2005

Saddam
loses shirt in stock market — July 19, 2002

Also today, a
sneak peek at the Iraqi Constitution.

Al-Zarqawi’s
approval rating falls

By
John Breneman

Faced with plummeting poll numbers, al-Qaeda douchebag Abu
Musab al-Zarqawi is thinking of quitting terrorism to become
a used car dealer.

A new study reveals that now that he is bombing his own people
nearly everyone has turned against al-Zarqawi, including his
own family. Al-Zarqawi’s approval rating has sunk to 3 percent
and there are unconfirmed reports that the bigshot terror
honcho may actually be a sniveling little sissy.

The U.S. has placed a $25 million bounty on al-Zarqawi’s
ass and is offering a $500 reward to anyone who punches him
in the face.

"He was always a jerk," said younger brother Abu
"Bob" al-Zarqawi. "When we were kids he used
to he used to put a bag over my head and threaten to chop
my arms off. He even beheaded our gerbil, Lil Pete."

U.S. intelligence sources say al-Zarqawi, known for his hideous
garlic breath, yellow teeth and uncontrollable dandruff, is
also a Level 3 sex offender with a fondness for young donkeys.

Related stories:
Al
Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of dung — Aug.
5, 2005

Suicide
bombers get cold feet, call in sick — June 6,
2005

London
attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks
— July 8, 2005

Lame duck pardons turkey

By John Breneman

President Bush today pardoned a turkey that had been indicted
by a federal grand jury for leaking a highly classified U.S.
government cranberry sauce recipe.

The president then thanked the feisty, feathered beast for
its service to the country and awarded it the Congressional
Medal of Freedom. The bird, identified only as "Tom Doe,"
was also pardoned for attempting to sexually assault the president
during the photo-op.

Democrats reflexively gathered outside the White House to
protest the pardon, the war, White House malfeasance and Bush’s
smirking face. One man waved a banner calling the president
"soft on turkeyism."

President Bush is reportedly holed up at his ranch/bunker
in Crawford, Texas, where he is said to be excited about an
opportunity to "clear some brush."

The turkey is literally "going to Disneyland" —
resting its wings on a first-class flight to California to
serve as honorary
grand marshal in Disneyland’s annual Thanksgiving Day parade.

Related story:
Thanksgiving
down off’m Greenleaf Parsons Road

Thanksgiving
blessing #1 and #2

Gazette targeted by extremist hate speech

By John Breneman

The Humor Gazette has learned that the Humor Gazette has
been targeted by a right-ring republofascist hate group for
its apparently rage-inducing
criticism of President Bush.

Publisher Arturo DiMaunchie confirmed that the influential
satire publication received an email containing the words
"strap a bomb to yourself" and "you fucking
asshole."

A person identifying himself as "(Flaming Douchebag)"
claimed responsibility for the mini-manifesto. Authorities
are withholding the actual name of the perpetrator pending
a probe by the Department of Poetic Justice. The full text
of the message is printed below:

why don’t you just strap a bomb to yourself and go blow
up a bunch of innocent people. obviously you sympathize with
Islamofacists, so why not adopt the same tactics.
You fucking asshole.

Publisher DiMaunchie said he fortified security at Humor
Gazette headquarters in Manhattan and its satellite offices
in Los Angeles, Islamabad and Gaza. He said the company also
has taken the precaution of hiring a middle-school kid to
screen its mail for anthrax.

DiMaunchie vowed that the Humor Gazette will not "cut
and run" from its mission of poking fun at President
Bush and his misleadership. A source close to the guy who
screens all media for Bush and gives him a daily 25-word synopsis
said the president welcomes constructive criticism and often
chokes on a pretzel laughing at Humor Gazette headlines. (The
Gazette
"endorsed" Bush in August 2004.)

Speaking
from an undisclosed location, DiMaunchie said: "We will
stay the course because the world must be made safe for irreverent,
even subversive humor. Anything less would be a shot to the
groin of the First Amendment and a victory for the satire-haters."

Here is the offending commentary: Bush
flees to Asia — Nov. 14, 2005

EDITOR’S NOTE: The first comment below is the
text of another recent message from an agitated reader. This
guy is fairly reasonable in presenting an opposing perspective
(which I encourage and appreciate), yet he can’t resist belittling
me as a "simpleton" (which I suppose, arguably,
I am).

I’ve never fully understood the personal attack stuff coming
from readers who disagree with the ideas presented, though
I do find most of it hilarious and believe it reveals much
more about the writer than his/her intended target. Your thoughts?

Capitalist
piggy banks

NEW YORK — Stocks, bonds, T-Bills and mutual funds continued
their decline today as Wall Street reeled from an unprecedented
surge of investment in piggy banks.

Leading analysts interpret this as a sign that investors
have finally figured out that the stock market is a gigantic
sham and therefore are opting to horde their money in colorful
pig-shaped receptacles made of plastic and ceramics.

"People now realize that most high-finance executives
are greedy swine and that the market can no longer be counted
upon to ‘bring home the bacon,’" said Bubba Pennington
of John Hamcock Financial Services. "They’d rather slip
their hard-earned money into piggy banks than slop it into
the corporate feeding trough."

Brown-chip stocks and pork futures also rose sharply, with
brisk trading of Piggly Wiggly, MicroSty and Tenderloin Technologies.

But shares of AOL Time Warthog continued to plummet amid
frenzied activity on the trading floor, where Wall Street
brokers wallowed in discarded slips of paper while squealing
like scared little capitalist piglets.

Curious George calls for investigation

By
John Breneman

Curious George today demanded a congressional investigation
into the Bush administration’s handling of pre-war intelligence
to justify launching military action against Iraq.

Citing a growing "curiosity" in both the human
and simian communities as to why the nation was guaranteed
Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction when,
in fact, he did not, the adorable children’s book icon suggested
President Bush and his "handlers" may be guilty
of "mischief," or perhaps even outright "monkeyshines."

Anonymous administration insiders dismissed the criticism
as "the banana-fueled rantings of a dirty, ignorant ape"
and leaked the information that Mr. George’s closest associate
is a mysterious "man in a yellow hat."

Karl Rove appeared on "Manipulate the Press" to
claim Mr. George has links to an orangutan terror syndicate,
but was pelted in the face with feces before he could begin
his talking points.

The administration backed away from its early strategy of
discrediting Mr. George by citing his lower standing on the
evolutionary scale when it was realized that President Bush,
despite his uncanny resemblance to a wise-cracking chimp,
does not believe in evolution.

Related stories:
Bin
Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote — March 28, 2004
Speed
Racer busted for speeding, possession of speed

Big
Bird quarantined for avian flu

By
John Breneman

The Sesame Street Journal is reporting that PBS superstar
Big Bird has been quarantined as a possible carrier of the
deadly and horrifying avian flu.

Also wanted for questioning by the U.S. government — the
international chicken kingpin, Col. Harlan Sanders of Kentucky.

To help people avoid being slain by the impending $800 billion
pandemic, the U.S. Department of Death Prevention has issued
a pamphlet entitled "Facts & Myths About the Deadly
and Horrifying Bird Flu Pandemic."

The following activities may increase your risk of exposure
to avian flu:
— slaughtering chickens
— consuming tainted Eggs Benedict
— getting crapped on by an infected pigeon
— guzzling Grey Goose vodka
— sharing a needle with a heroin-addicted penguin
— administering mouth-to-beak resuscitation to a wounded
fighting cock
— unprotected sex with an H5N1-positive ostrich

The following activities probably DO NOT cause bird flu:

— canoodling with a parakeet
— sitting on a toilet seat at Kentucky Fried Chicken
— consuming Chicken of the Sea brand tuna
— shaking hands with NBA legend Larry Bird
— boning a chicken breast
— getting nailed by a woodpecker
— flamingo dancing
— unprotected sex with NBA legend Larry Bird

The following are tell-tale symptoms that you may have
contracted bird flu:
— a sudden craving for earthworms and seeds
— involuntary chirping
— twitching or "flapping" of the arms
— an unexplainable desire to pack your sleeping area with
twigs and pine needles

This just in: To avoid any risk of wiping out the entire
U.S. population, Thanksgiving and Easter are being canceled
until further notice. As for the economic impact, leading
financial ornithologists recommend investing in pork futures.

One final note: Avoid hummingbirds.

Related stories:
Mad
cows sent to anger management

The
first George W.

In case you missed it amid the commotion over White House
indictments, Iraq death tolls and wacky Supreme Court nominations,
President Bush on Friday took a revolutionary new approach
to getting a laugh.

Speaking in Norfolk, Virginia on the war against terror —
you know, the one those Iraqis launched against us when they
Pearl Harbored the World Trade Center — the Commander-in-Chief
who posed in a military flightsuit in the short-fiction classic
"Mission Accomplished" invoked the name of the Father
of All Presidents, George Washington.

"I
call him the first George W."

(Laughter and applause.)

(And much gagging.)

(And spinning in graves.)

"I cannot tell a lie" … about uranium or National
Guard hijinks or who leaked what in a twisted tale of political
vengeance.

I’d bet my last WMD that if George Washington ever received
an intelligence briefing titled "King George determined
to strike in Colonies" he would have cut short his vacation
clearing brush from around the old cherry
tree.

The morale of the story for our chuckling, self-styled "war
president": The current George W. should avoid likening
himself to the man who led our nation to independence and
helped create the honest, virtuous America whose fate has
fallen into shaky hands. The comparison is not flattering.

BONUS Humor Gazette classic:

Bush
drops a comic bomb — March 26, 2004

Rove:
‘You’ll never take me alive’

By
John Breneman

White House senior adviser Karl Rove escaped indictment today,
tearing out of Washington D.C. before dawn in a black-windowed
sedan.

He is considered armed and drunk, possibly hopped up on heroin
or OxyContin, and was last seen heading for an undisclosed
location accompanied by his beloved pet wolverine.

Rove is believed to be in possession of a small arsenal of
biological weapons and a black attaché case containing
nuclear missile buttons labeled "Syria," "North
Korea," "Iran" and "All of the Above."

The Humor Gazette’s roving reporter cornered Rove outside
an Arlington, Virginia, liquor store and was able to snap
a mugshot of the disheveled deputy chief of staff.

Asked for a comment, Rove emitted a guttural growling sound
and began shredding unidentified documents with his razor-sharp
teeth.

Some Democrats believe Rove ought to be given an opportunity
to cut a deal in exchange for sensitive information about
whose idea it was to drag the nation into an unnecessary war
based on bogus claims about Saddam Hussein’s infamous, and
imaginary, weapons of mass destruction. However, sources say
White House counsel Harriet Miers has advised Rove to keep
his mouth shut.

Editor’s Note: Technically, Rove has not been indicted
yet. But our high-ranking imaginary sources "indicate"
that he still might be, so we felt it was important to break
the news before any actual indictment. If any of the above
information turns out to be wrong, we will be sure to publish
a correction sometime next week. Look for it on Page 92, down
there in the corner next to the ad for Triple Action Gold
Bond Powder.

In a related development, vice presidential henchman G. Gordon
"Scooter" Libby, facing an indictment later today,
led police on a three-state, high-speed chase in a white Ford
Bronco before being subdued with a tranquilizer dart.