Have a Jalapeno Coke and a smile

By
John Breneman

The makers of Coca-Cola report that Jalapeno Coke has become
so popular they are now working on other new flavors of the
world’s most popular soft drink.

"Three out of four hard-core soda junkies say they enjoy
zesty, five-alarm Jalapeno Coke," said Coca-Cola spokesman
Marlin Fizzwater, adding, "Consumers will be happy to
know that Jalapeno Coke has 10% more potassium benzoate and
a pinch more phosphoric acid than the other leading brand."

Industry insiders report that if sales of Jalapeno Coke continue
to be brisk, the company, which introduced Cherry Coke in
1985, will move forward with plans to launch a Chocolate Coke
and a decadently carbonated Strawberry Short-Coke.

Also in the works are a trendy Coca-Colatté and a
briny, pickle-flavored soda called Vlassic Coke. Still in
the research-and-development stage are: Garlic Coke, Diet
Lima Bean Coke and Genuine Maine Lobster Coke.

Coca-Cola, invented in 1886 by Dr. John Stith Pemberton of
Atlanta, was first marketed as a "brain and nerve tonic."
Its popularity grew throughout the 20th century with such
colorful marketing slogans as "The Pause That Refreshes"
(1929), "It’s the Real Thing" (1970) and "Things
Go Better With the World’s Favorite Multinational Beverage
Conglomerate" (2001).

One of Coke’s selling points is its nostalgic appeal as it
harks back to the drugstore soda fountains of decades gone
by. The lure of nostalgia also has high-level Coke pushers
thinking about reintroducing one of the beverage’s original
ingredients — cocaine — in a controversial new inner-city
soda called Crack!

However, Coke officials reportedly have scrapped plans for
at least two new beverages: 97% of test subjects succumbed
to severe gastric discomfort after consuming Coke-e.Coli,
and soft drink researchers in Central Africa reported few
survivors in taste tests of Ebola-Cola.

Meanwhile,
longtime cola drinkers are bubbling with excitement over the
next wave of Coca-Cola and Coke byproducts.

"Personally, I can hardly wait for them to come out
with that new Nacho Cheese-Flavored Coke everybody’s been
talking about," said Joe Sixpack, 24, of Aspartame, Oregon.
"I’m Coke man. I’d pay good money for any flavor they
put out — Tuna Coke, Asparagus Coke, Pineapple Upside-Down
Coke — you name it. I’ve been hooked ever since I popped
my first Cherry Coke back in ’87."

The soft drink maker, which is also said to be tinkering
with an all-natural Tofu Coke, has long touted the soft drink’s
therapeutic effects.

"The health benefits of guzzling 2-liter jugs of Coke
are well-documented," said Dr. Pepper, a pop culture
specialist with the Sprite Foundation.

Coca-Cola shareholders, he said, are also very excited about
a new Coke formula that burns unsightly fat cells, relieves
stress and makes you forget that you are paying a $1-$2 for
a couple mouthfuls of brown carbonated water that costs less
than one-tenth of a penny to make.

‘Tis
the sneezin’

Insidious plague afflicts millions:
Minute airborne particles attack human respiratory systems.
Fever clogs victims’ heads, causing spasms and blurred vision.

By John Breneman

I come to you with shocking revelations about … ALLERGIES.
I must speak quickly, though, because the pollen count is
quite heavy and I don’t have much time.

Millions of people suffer from the seasonal ravages of this
miserable epidemic. It’s medical name is "pollinosis,"
which I believe is Latin for "please jam a bushel of
dried flaxseed pollen up my left nostril."

I know from experience that it is not unusual for a hay fever
sufferer to wake up and begin the day by sneezing. Maybe once.
Or maybe, like me this morning, 15-18 consecutive times.

The following is an exaggerated re-enactment of actual non-stop
sneezing fit. (Editor’s note: Do not try this at home without
the supervision of a certified allergy professional.)

7:02 a.m. — Jolted awake by that first sneeze of
the day, I yawn and gulp down 250 million airborne particles
that begin an involuntary chain reaction of misery. The invaders
anesthetize my face and begin time-releasing phlegm for the
next 1-12 hours.

7:02 a.m. — The familiar second sneeze makes my eyes
watery and impairs my vision. Hypersensitivity to any light
source adds to the fun.

7:03 a.m. — On my third sneeze, I temporarily lose
the use of my lungs, heart and pancreas.

7:03 a.m. — My fourth sneeze, a whopper, frightens
the birds and squirrels outside my window.

7:03 a.m. — With my fifth sneeze I lose the ability
to reason and wipe out two-thirds of a box of industrial-strength
Kleenex in the 4.5 seconds that elapse before …

7:04 a.m. — … sneeze number six. This one makes
me consider administering an emergency tracheotomy to maintain
my rapidly diminishing ability to breathe.

7:04 a.m. — My seventh consecutive sneeze makes me
weep like a baby. Upon realizing that I cannot remember my
name, Social Security number or species, I scrap all plans
to operate heavy machinery.

7:05 a.m. — My eighth sneeze blows out the retina
in my right eyeball and fills my brain with strange thoughts
about U.S. foreign policy and the pros and cons of deploying
ragweed-tipped missiles against Kim Jong Il.

7:05 a.m. — Sneeze number nine (I like to call it
"El Nino") induces an out-of-body experience in
which a crack team of surgical allergists sedates me with
5,000 milligrams of pseudophedrine hydrochloride and extract
from my sinus cavity a wad of goldenrod the size of a Polish
kielbasa.

7:06 a.m. — My tenth straight sneeze brings on a
sensation of vertigo, itchy lungs, sprained larynx and bronchial
tube asphyxiation.

7:06 a.m. — With cataclysmic sneeze number 11, my
head slams face first onto my hardwood floor where it considers
placing a call to noted allergy relief specialist Dr. Kevorkian.

About then, I am able to drag myself into the bathroom where
my medicine cabinet houses a mind-boggling array of pills
promising "prompt, effective relief."

Claritin, Clarinex, Chlortrimetron. I like Chlortrimetron
because the box says it contains 47 percent more "oleic
acid, potato starch and talc" than the other leading
brand.

No luck. So I take some Tavist-D and wash it down with some
Dimetapp. Or was it Drixoral? Dristan? A blast of "pump
mist" Affrin doesn’t stop the sneezing, but makes me
wonder whether there is such thing as a quadruple nasal bypass.

My roommate told me there’s a laser treatment in which they
cauterize the nasal membrane, rendering it impervious to most
known allergens. Side effects: The ocean, lilacs and beautiful
women all smell like burnt toast.

Then I remember my grandmother’s secret remedy: Stick your
head into a burlap sack filled with a mixture of baking soda,
Triple Sec and Hamburger Helper. Then breathe deeply and count
to 157.

If that doesn’t work, I’ve heard that a Sudafed factory in
the Sudan is working on a weapon of mass decongestion that
combines 30 milligrams of benadryl with aged Russian caviar,
neutralized anthrax and a cherry-flavored uranium isotope.

Marlboro Man: ‘Come to where the cancer
is’

By
John Breneman

Today’s mailbag included some thoughtful correspondence from
the Marlboro Man inviting me to "Come to where the flavor
is."

He didn’t mention anything about coming to where the chemotherapy
is, but I guess that doesn’t kick in until later. The legendary
tobacco spokes-icon is a Marlboro
Man of few words, letting his $1, $2 and $5 coupons
speak for themselves.

Depicted in an extreme closeup — dirt flying, cowboy hat
and rough denim sleeve shadowing the flinty determination
etched in has face as he tackles some unfortunate stunt steer
against a backdrop of subliminal stars and stripes — the
Man is as virile as his product is virulent.

And whether he’s hooking some hapless cow or hooking his
next patsy, the Smoking Man doesn’t pull any punches. My sweet
Marlboro pamphlet tells exactly how much tar and nicotine
come in each flavor-packed cancer stick.

By
my read, the best deal seems to be the 100 Regulars because
you get a satisfying 17mg dose of tar and 1.3 mgs of nicotine.
They don’t even mention the generous helpings of bonus ingredients
like arsenic,
ammonia, hydrogen cyanide and carbon monoxide.

The Marlboro promo reminded me of a standup snippet; I believe
it was Steve Martin who once quipped: "My doctor recommended
I take up smoking. He said I wasn’t getting enough tar."

Anyway, despite the mighty Marlboro Man’s kind invitation
to suck toxic chemicals into my lungs and take a premature
dirt nap, I don’t think I want to "Come to where the
flavor is." No thank you.

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Smoking may kill you stone
dead. But, hey, don’t let that stop you from forking over
your hard-earned money to filthy rich, morally bankrupt super-corporations.
It’s a free country, after all. Just ask the dude in the cowboy
hat.

Related story:
Coming
soon: Cancer in a pouch — Aug. 8, 2001

Rev. Robertson (aka The Sermonator)
calls for more righteous whackings

By John Breneman

Rev. Pat Robertson today clarified his call for the assassination
of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, saying he was only delivering
a message from God.

"Hasta la vista, baby." Robertson claimed the Lord
appeared to him in a vision and said He wanted U.S. special
forces to "smite" the ornery South American leader
by "busting a cap in his loins."

God also mentioned that He wants North Korean leader Kim
Jong Il to "sleep with the fishes," according to
Robertson, who added that the Creator has targeted three top
Iranian leaders to be "iced," "whacked"
and "rubbed out."

The Christian Coalition founder also elaborated on his recent
prayer that God grant conservatives another Supreme Court
vacancy "one way or the other," saying that
any judge who supports a woman’s right to an abortion ought
to be put down for a "dirt nap."

"And don’t get me started on Allah," said Robertson.
"I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse."

When asked how he could justify calling for murder when the
Sixth Commandment clearly states "Thou shalt not kill,"
Robertson responded, "You talking to me, punk?"

Related story:
Holy
hitman: Rev. Robertson says ‘Thou shall kill’ — Aug.
25, 2005

Holy
hitman: Rev. Robertson says ‘Thou shall kill’

By
John Breneman

Humor Gazette/IBS News anchorman Reid Page is standing by
his comment that pin-headed televangelist Pat Robertson needs
to be "dope slapped."

Commenting on Robertson’s
televised call for America to assassinate the president of
Venezuela, Mr. Page also suggested that U.S. covert
operatives "stuff a sock in Robertson’s hypocritically
holier-than-thou pious-hole."

Robertson has been trying to weasel out of his comments since
Monday, first denying he used the word "assassinate"
(it’s on the videotape, moron) and then employing the time-honored
"taken out of context" defense.

A spokesman for Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network
explained that the commandment "Thou shalt not kill"
— like all religious rules and regulations — was never meant
to apply to egomaniacal TV pulpit pundits.

The Bush administration has distanced itself from Robertson’s
assassination plan, stating that a more prudent course of
action would be to bomb the hell out of Venezuela, forcing
its president to hide in a cave and sparking an insurgency
that would assure continued U.S. presence for the next 5-10
years.

In other news:
Humor
Gazette/IBS News obtains sneak peak at Iraqi Constitution
— July 25, 2005

Bad
news for the noodle

By John Breneman

The percentage of the brain that people actually use — once
estimated to be 10%
— is now approximately 8.2% and falling, according to a new
study in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine.

The percentage of the brain utilized ranges from 12% in places
where there is no cable TV to a stultifying 5.9% in greater
Washington, D.C., according to Daft Foundation neurologist
Dr. Sarah Bellum. The study relied on both societal observations
and scientific testing to reach the conclusion that human
beings are getting dumber by the day.

Among its findings, the report revealed an alarming decrease
in the number of people who have enough sense to look both
ways before crossing the street. However, the number of motorists
who vow they will NEVER use a turn signal, even if it helps
save a human life, appears to have stabilized at 72 percent.

The Daft Foundation team also administered electroencephalogram
(EEG) brain wave tests to a cross-section of test subjects
and found that 92% of them thought EEG referred to an oval-shaped
breakfast food made by a chicken.

The study also reported the estimated percentage of the brain
utilized by the following test groups:

Rocket
scientists — 10.2%
Laboratory mice — 11.3%
Administration officials — 2.1%
Steroid users — 4.2%
Drunk drivers — 0.10%
Reality TV show producers — 1.6%
TV "news" talking heads — 0.003%
Moronic humor columnists — 0.002%

New probe probes impact of probes

By
John Breneman

Recent probes into anthrax, church sex and corporate excess
have sparked public demand for intrusive new probes into every
orifice of American life.

"Polls show that people love a good probe," said
Barnaby Holmes, head of a blue-ribbon panel probing the public’s
renewed interest in probes. "Citizens have come to depend
on these probes to keep track of who’s getting screwed and
who’s doing the screwing."

Regarding the Justice Department probe into who leaked CIA
agent Valerie Plame’s identity, he said, “The American
people need to know who knew what and when did they know it.
Will the Plame leak probe spawn a new probe into ongoing leaks
about the probe itself? Probably.”

The House Subcommittee on Bipartisan Probes today announced
new probes into Martha Stewart’s nuclear capabilities, Saddam
Hussein’s secret diary and Dick Cheney’s trousers, while the
Justice Department launched a fresh probe of Microsoft CEO
Bill Gates’ large intestine.

Body-cavity probes at U.S. airports are at an all-time high
according to a New York Times probe. And the Wall Street Journal
is probing reports of proctologists who bill patients for
unnecessary probing.

Meanwhile, a National Enquirer probe led to shocking reports
on Bill Clinton’s aborigine love child, President Bush’s $177-million-a-day
war habit and Britney Spears’ steamy sex romp with Jerry Springer
and Cardinal Law.

The Securities Exchange Commission is probing allegations
of financial irregularities in Dolly Parton’s warchest. And
subpoenas have been issued for a federal probe into whether
the FBI has been probing the CIA or vice versa.

Experts in the fast-growing probe industry predict future
investigations into Pokemon card insider trading, political
liposuction and pro bono probes into pro baseball’s steroid
woes and Jose Canseco’s jockstrap.

Because probes are believed to have a positive economic impact,
Treasury Department officials have launched a probe into the
possible benefits of converting to a probe-based economy.

Automakers thinking outside the
gearbox

By
John Breneman

Skyrocketing gasoline prices have scientists around the globe
scrambling to perfect new fuel-efficient technologies.

Rather than waste resources on wimpy solar-powered cars, the
people at Saturn Corp. are light years ahead of the competition
in tapping the energy created by planets revolving around
the sun. Coming soon to a showroom near you – the new
Saturn Uranus.

It has long been known that the petroleum and automotive industries
have squashed emerging technologies that would cut into their
profits. That is why you’ve never heard of the Dutch
windmill-powered car, the Jamaican hemp-powered GanjaMobile
or the nuclear-powered Mushroom Cloud U-238 out of North Korea.

But now even the major automakers are getting into the act.
Motorists who long for the days of the quintessential American
“muscle car” will want to test drive the new Chevy
Anabolica, a powerful 8-cylinder vehicle that runs entirely
on steroids. It not only gets decent mileage, it also is equipped
with simulated wood-grain Kevlar side panels for roid-raging
other drivers off the road.

Detroit is also developing a vehicle it hopes will make a
dent in the energy crisis and the drug epidemic with a sedan
that runs on crystal meth and high-test allergy pills — the
new Ford Ephedra.

And the people at Phillip Morris are working on a pickup truck
powered by the toxic brew of chemicals contained in the billions
of cigarette butts that smokers flick into the environment
each day. It is already ranked by J.D. Power & Associates
as the #1 arsenic-fueled vehicle in America.

British automaker Mini Cooper is said to be developing a compact
version of its popular Mini capable of getting 80 miles per
gallon while traveling up to 75 miles per hour. The only drawback
is that you have to squat on top of the thing with your knees
sticking out while reaching down to grip the tiny steering
wheel.

Click
here to spread the word about other little-known automotive
technologies.

Related story:
Speed
Racer busted for speeding, possession of speed

Gas prices have U.S. motorists over a
barrel

By
John Breneman

Gas prices soared to record highs over the weekend, fueling
a corresponding spike in the use of crude language at the
pump.

"Bleep," said petroleum consumer Joe Ford while
pumping gas in Hyannis, Mass. "Nowadays when I hit the
gas, I go from zero to $20 in 3.7 seconds."

Rising prices have increased pressure on the automobile industry
to invent vehicles powered by political hot air. Lee Iacocca
is leading the way with his prototype for the new Chrysler
Rhetorica, featuring a revolutionary new fuel cell capable
of harnessing the vast quantities of hot air emanating from
Washington, D.C.

Its designers say that if the Rhetorica begins to lose power,
the driver can simply flip on the radio to Rush Limbaugh or
Bill O’Reilly and a specially designed fuel cell will transfer
the unremitting blasts of hot air straight into its state-of-the-art
engine. They also recommend keeping a CD of John Kerry speeches in the glove compartment for long-distance travel.

Honda is reportedly working on a methane-fueled car powered
by the bullcrap these politicians sling around rather than
actually getting anything done.

Fortunately President Bush has used the knowledge and contacts
he gained as a failed oil industry executive to keep the petroleum
powers-that-be from feeling the pinch. When asked after 9/11
whether Americans should pay more attention to energy conservation,
he wisely said "Nope."

Energy analysts say it is too early to tell if the president’s military drilling of Iraq will yield dividends.

Related stories:
Bush
puts the moves on Saudi prince — April 27, 2005

President’s
energy plan calls for personal petroleum accounts
— April 29, 2005

Tomorrow: read about a Dutch windmill-powered car
and other exciting new transportation technologies.

In honor of my mom’s birthday, this ode created several
years back by her first-born…

Dear
Mom, Happy birthday,
and thanks for the cool DNA

Hi Mom. I just wanted to say, um, Happy Birthday. And thank
you …
for literally everything.

Like for that time back in ’61 when you went to the hospital
and it was really painful, but you hung in there, and then
when you came home, you were holding me in your arms. Or all
those times when I made Winnie-the-Pooh and you got me cleaned
up, good as new.

Have I ever mentioned that I am eternally grateful for the
approximately 12 tons of food you have given me over the years,
even, in retrospect, the 9 kilograms of lima beans. (I only
ate two kilos though, the other seven are hidden in a crawl
space in our old house in Pennsylvania.)

And thank you for the nice DNA. I really am enjoying it and
promise never to monkey around with cloning or tissue regeneration.

Oh and while I think of it, thanks for the name. I know it
must have hurt your feelings when I was about 8 and announced
that I didn’t really like the name John. I had decided there
just were too many of us at school, and so could you please
just call me Catfish from now on? Talk about humoring a kid.
I’ll never forget my birthday cake that year. Eight candles
and "Happy Birthday, Catfish" in sweet cursive frosting.
Now that I’m older and … older, I also feel I should
thank you for putting up with my (inherited?) eccentricities,
even when I refer to myself by my favorite pseudonym. You
know the one: Arturo
DiMaunche.

This is a family online newspaper, but I guess it’s OK to
mention that my rump still thanks you for your philosophical
opposition to corporal punishment. (P.S. Thanks, too, for
firing that mean baby sitter who spanked me with my Hot Wheels
track.)

And may I please express my enduring gratitude for teaching
me to be polite. I don’t know what you did, but I get a huge
kick out of being extra polite to people. Thank you, my dear
mother, for this and so many other simple gifts.

Thank you also for these things:

— For the way you took care of everything, all the while
letting Dad think he was really calling the shots.

— For that time when I lied to you, remember? About my involvement
in the Iran-Contra scandal. And you said, "Hmmm, is that
what really happened?" And of course I broke down and
told the truth, learning from you that it was better to be
honest than to go on trying to protect President Reagan and
Oliver North.

— For stopping me from wearing those blue pants with the
extra-hideous stripe embroidered down each leg to school for
the fourth straight day back in ’72.

— For not panicking when I got Ds in penmanship from Mr.
Mariner in the fifth grade because you knew that what I wrote
was much more important than how it looked on a piece of paper,
and that it was essential to encourage and nurture an active
imagination in your children.

— For that time when I stubbed my big toe on a deranged
armadillo when we went to the zoo in Afghanistan (OK, it was
in the pool during a vacation in Maine) and you stopped the
very rotation of the Earth so it wouldn’t throb quite so much.

— For that time when I was about 5 or 6 and I put on your
boots and went in the hall closet… On second thought, never
mind about that time.

— For getting me all those great shirts and, really, for
knowing me better than I know myself.

My appreciation and love for you cannot be overstated, even
under the intense pressures of satire. But most of all, thank
you so much Mom for your joyful, tender, protective, fearless,
empowering, unconditional and life-giving love.

John

Related story:
Mother’s
Day card yields clues on bin Laden — May 9, 2005