GOP death squad eyes ‘job-killing’ Obamacare

I think I’ve figured out why the Republicans give their
bill such a snarky title.

An act to repeal the:

The Socialist, Neo-Nazi, Job-Killing,
Elderly-Smothering, Anti-American, Unconstitutional, Jammed-Down-Our-Throats,
Keep-Your-Stinking-Government-Hands-Off-My-Medicare, Tax-and-Spend-Liberal
Health Care Law

Forgive
them, for they suffer a pre-existing condition.

It’s a rare combination of electile dysfunction, cerebral
hemorrhoids and congressional meningitis.

Their condition appears serious — aggravated by political
(though fortunately not moral) discomfort when asked why
they both utilize and oppose publicly funded health care.

Tests show they may also suffer from:

— Ideological leprosy
— Unmitigated gallstones
— Esophageal bloviation
— Male-pattern hypocrisy
— Soul weevils
— Post-traumatic soiled-pants syndrome
— Degenerative pharmaceutical-industrial complex

In the video
below (right), I run through some of the additional risks
of exposure to health-care reform rhetoric (including restless
middle finger syndrome).

Finally, some fool-proof investment advice: Buy bananas!!

Stephen Colbert was rollicking last night spoofing Glenn
Beck’s Goldline scam with his pitch for Yellowline. Confession: I love Colbert so much I made this
ridiculous video (below left) pledging allegiance
to his Americone Dream Ice Cream.

This just in (five years ago):
French
doctors perform first ass transplant

Also
today: A shout out to Bartcop,
an awesome political/humor site serving the Internets since
roughly 1842. A testament to their excellent taste in humor
is their not infrequent linkage to our satiric exclusives.

I
don’t know … but Alaska

What if Rupert Murdoch hired Sarah Palin as an advice columnist
for his newspaper empire? Here, readers write in with questions
and Sarah does her best Dear Abby.

*  *  *

Dear Sarah,
I campaigned hard to obtain a really important and challenging
job, but now I’m bored with it because I unexpectedly got
famous and have a chance to make a ton of money doing other,
easier stuff. Thing is, a whole bunch of people put their
faith and trust in me, so I’d kind of be letting them down.
What should I do?
— Star Struck

Dear Star Struck,
Quit,
baby, quit!! Caring about folks who put their faith
in you is sweet, but frankly a little naïve. If the
responsibilities of your job are holding you back, point
your Christian Louboutins toward the door and start walkin’,
girlfriend. Like I always say, no harm in burnin’ a Bridge
to Nowhere!

And don’t let the haters call you a quitter.

*  *  *

Dear Sarah,
I am 8 years old. A man on TV said there’s no such thing
as a death panel. What
you wrote on Facebook about death panels helped
me understand what a bad man President Obama is, but now
I’m not sure what to believe in or who to hate. Please tell
me the truth — is there a death panel?
— Virginia O’Hanlon

Yes
Virginia, there is a death panel. Don’t let the lamestream
media spin you with their gotcha anti-death panel agenda
and their elite, liberal "facts." Alas, how dreary
the health-care debate would be if there were no death panel.

Just because there’s no evidence of a death panel doesn’t
mean one doesn’t exist. Or couldn’t, hypothetically. It’s
common sense, really. Obamacare is evil. A death panel is
evil. Therefore Obamacare has a death panel. Probably lots
of them. Stay in school, Virginia. And just say no to premarital
sex and progressive ideology!

*  *  *

Dear Sarah,
I just shot a liberal congressman in my district. You know,
one of those jerks who you marked with a bull’s-eye on your
Web site. But I just checked the Web site and it didn’t
specify what I was supposed to do with the body. Now I’m
in prison. What do you advise?
— Lone Whackjob

Dear Whackjob,
Um. First off, my lawyers tell me it’s essential to state
for the record that I was in no way advocating violence
when I targeted candidates with bull’s-eyes and urged my
followers to Reload!" I meant it metaphorically, y’know
— it’s not my fault if some anti-gun, tax-and-spend liberal
gets Second Amendmented.

Anyway, challenging situations like yours call for common-sense
solutions — like focusing on family, faith and the flag.
Do five Hail Marys and six Pledge of Allegiances. Then look
inward and ask yourself, if He were in your shoes, what
would Joe the Plumber do? Or Jesus.

Stay
tuned here for more DEAR SARAH

*  *  *

ALSO: Ring in 2011 with … The
John Boehner Diet !!

*  *  *

SHOUT
OUT to The
Political Carnival, a cool, outstanding site that
shared The John Boehner Diet with readers and had a kind
word for The Daily Palin.

The
John Boehner Diet !!

In a world of red vs. blue — only one man has the guts
to go orange.

And now that he’s about to become Speaker of the House,
everybody’s dying to know the secret to John Boehner’s smoldering
apricot complexion.

The Daily Palin has obtained exclusive details about this
hard-drinking, hard-smoking, oft-sobbing SOB’s unique nutritional
regimen. This from a source close to the sous chef who prepares
Boehner’s carrots, yams and tangerine meringue pie.

Breakfast: 1 orange, 12-oz. glass Tang
Lunch: 2 oranges, 1 carrot
Dinner: Orange-roasted lame duck, yams,
Dessert: 4 oz. orange sherbert
(8-12 screwdrivers, optional)
(SEE
PHOTOSHOP VERSION)

This is the same diet that sustains Boehner as he inhales
hundreds of thousands of dollars from Big Tobacco
(and untold soft money from the citrus industry).

The same diet that that will keep the pumpkin-faced pugilist
in top form for his upcoming firefights with President Obama,
who is on record mocking his orange-skinned rival as a "person
of color, although not a color that appears in the natural
world." (VIDEO:
Obama cracking wise at 2009 White House Correspondents Dinner)

One further advantage to Boehner’s year-round Jack-o-lantern
glow: Dick Cheney won’t accidentally bust a load of buckshot
into his blaze-orange mug. (Related
story: Cheney slays 12 in 21-gun salute)

Related items:
One cat’s New Year’s resolutions
The Amazing Miracle Diet !!
Hate exercise? Hire an exorcist

Palin claims 2010 Miss
Information crown !!

By
John Breneman

Media
Matters — nonprofit watchdog of right-wing misinformation — has named death-panel pitbull Sarah Palin its 2010
Misinformer of the Year.

Officially the Glenn Beck Misinformer of the Year Award,
the honor goes to Palin for another path-illogical year
of distortions and smears. Media Matters cites Palin’s litany
of "factually challenged claims and vicious attacks."

Having already accused President Obama of wanting to kill
her Down syndrome baby (2009) and "palling around with
terrorists" (2008), Palin reloaded and kept blasting
away at the president. But this year she added the first
lady to her crosshairs — taking puzzling
potshots at Michelle Obama’s efforts to fight childhood
obesity.

Now she can’t even get her story straight about "refudiate."

Palin continued her pioneering work in the field of anti-social
networking — using Facebook and Twitter to deliver barely
coherent, agenda-driven rhetoric directly to the people,
and to shield herself from any potentially embarrassing
contact with the "lamestream" media. "I just
tweet; that’s just the way I roll," Palin
chirped to The New York Times.

But wait, there’s more. She also guns
down a caribou on "Sarah Palin’s Alaska"
— her combination reality show/campaign commercial on steroids
— and on Sunday’s episode she played lumberjack, literally
stumping
for future votes with a massive chainsaw.

And
don’t forget her new book. Chockfull of Obama bombs — plus
she slams
Hillary Clinton for some comment she made in 1992.
It’s all there in "(Real)
America by Heart: Reflections on (Exploiting) Family, Faith
and Flag (For Fun & Profit)."

For the former Miss Wasilla (1984), the Media
Matters crown for 2010 Misinformer of the Year offers
further proof of her flair for political pageantry — taking
its place in her trophy case next to such prestigious titles
as Miss
Adventure, Miss Conduct and Miss Communication.

*  *  *

ALSO: Study
shows Fox News causes cerebral hemorrhoids

Palin
uses chainsaw to ‘stump’ for votes

Her Republican rivals may want to rethink their boring
old stump speeches, because Sarah Palin is blazing the campaign
trail with a big-ass chainsaw — turning tall Alaska trees
into actual stumps. VIDEO

The made-for-TV moment last night on "Sarah Palin’s
Alaska" (her TLC reality show/campaign ad) electrified
the influential Joe the Lumberjack demographic and left
potential presidential rivals gagging on her sawdust.

The move sharpened Palin’s edge over GOP deadwood Mitt
Romney and Newt Gingrich, who’ve yet to fell a fir or gun
down a single caribou.

Sarah probably figures, hey, two of our finest presidents
were known for cutting wood — but unlike rail-splitting
Honest Abe and George the Cherry-Tree Chopper, Death-Panel
Palin has never been constricted by the inability to tell
a whopper.

Injury
report lists him as PROBABLE for Sunday vs. Philly

Despite a brain scan revealing minimal activity, Vikings
quarterback Brett Favre briefly slipped out of his coma
this morning to say he is fired for Sunday night’s game
against Philadelphia.  READ
MORE

JUNK-FOOD POLITICS — Sarah whacks Michelle for fighting childhood obesity

ALSO:
Kim Jong-il out for season with torn ACL (Oct. 2,
2009)

Comments (0) Dec 22 2010