Signing
off …

Good evening. This just in… Sen. Bill Frist said today
he has looked at some videotape and disagrees with the diagnosis
that Peter Jennings has died of lung cancer.

On a more serious note: This is a sad day for the media.
Like all high-profile personalities, Peter Jennings certainly
had his critics.
But he also had sincerity, credibility and dignity, qualities
that can no longer be taken for granted in the "Runaway
bride" era of network news.

A note to our younger readers: There was a time when real
anchormen stuck to the facts, when "both sides of a story"
meant more than split-screen yakking by partisan hacks.

Peter Jennings will be greatly missed as one of the last
remaining links to a time when news reporters reported the
news.

Related stories:
Schiavo
autopsy reveals media in persistent vegetative state —
June 17, 2005
Dan
Rather hangs up his gasoline suit — March 11, 2005

Al Qaeda’s #2 man is cowardly piece of
dung

By
John Breneman

FBI forensic analysts have confirmed that the speaker in
a videotaped
message warning of more terrorist attacks is Ayman
al-Zawahiri, though in the footage seen around the
world on Thursday it is nearly impossible to distinguish him
from a steaming blob of camel excrement.

"That’s why they call him al Qaeda’s ‘number-two man’
— because he’s a cowardly piece of (bleep)," said FBI
spokesman John Doe, adding that one longtime agent also recognized
several of the maggots that have been hiding in Zawahiri’s
beard since the mid-1970s.

In a pro wrestling-style rant broadcast on the Arabic television
station Al Jazeera, Zawahiri (also known as "The Grand
Fuqwad") angrily jabs his finger at the camera to show
what a tough guy he is while threatening to have his loose
affiliation of brainwashed
morons blow up more innocent people.

But just who is Ayman
al-Zawahiri?

Longtime acquaintances describe him as a "#$%&@#$%*&"
perhaps best known for emitting a sulfurous stench powerful
enough to subdue foes and fellow jihadists alike.

The son of a Jalalabad opium ho named Fatima and a semi-professional
goat sodomizer named Ahab, Zawahiri left home at age 7 after
his mother beat the crap out of him for decapitating his pet
kitten, Infidel.

He declared his first fatwa at age 12, unsuccessfully trying
to invoke the wrath of Allah against a schoolmate
who flushed his head in the toilet and soiled his favorite
"America blows" turban. Sources describe the young
Zawahiri as a 98-pound weakling frequently humiliated by older
future-terorrist boys fond of kicking desert sand in his face.

After serving a brief prison stint for raping a hyena, Zawahiri
found he couldn’t cut it as an outhouse maintenance technician,
so he decided to become a terrorist and spit in Allah’s face
by murdering people in his name.

In a 1982 manifesto he wrote, "Terrorism helps me forget
that Allah really gave me a bum deal when he was handing out
male reproductive equipment."

Now 54, Zawahiri met Osama
bin Laden in Afghanistan in the mid-1980s and quickly
gained access to his inner circle by allowing the lusty terror
kingpin to have his way with Zawahiri’s best-looking goat.

Unfortunately the new videotape revealed no clue as to his
whereabouts, according to the FBI spokesman, who noted that
the elusive, sheep-loving Fuqwad is constantly "on the
lamb."

Shuttle repair costs ‘out of this world’

By
John Breneman

NASA officials say today’s historic repair of some fabric
dangling from the space shuttle’s underbelly was an unqualified
success. But more technical woes lurk on the horizon, including
a squeaky timing belt and a possible blown gasket in one of
the vessel’s powerful V-8,000,000 engines.

While NASA engineers remain optimistic that Discovery did
not "throw a rod," such a condition would increase
the likelihood that Commander Eileen Collins would need to
radio AAA for assistance during the return trip.

Another spacewalk repair mission is being planned for tomorrow,
involving a 58-foot robotic Craftsman socket wrench operated
by a grimy-faced spaceship mechanic named Rusty. Including
parts and labor, the job shouldn’t cost taxpayers more than,
let’s say, 18 million bucks.

Among the many other maintenance challenges facing the shuttle:
If Discovery travels approximately 18,000 miles per hour, then
to avoid unnecessary wear and tear the crew should change
the oil roughly every 10 minutes. However, this is not practical
due to the high cost of petroleum and the fact that it is
difficult to store 50,000 quarts of Pennzoil 10W-40,000,000
in the shuttle’s cramped payload.

Trade talks scrubbed, superstar shines

By
John Breneman

Mission control specialists at Fenway Park yesterday celebrated
the spectacular re-entry of Starship Ramirez into the rarified
atmosphere of Red Sox Nation after more than 72 hours in orbit.

The situation was touch-and-go throughout the weekend as
the millions who idolize the eccentric slugger savant reacted
to his request to be traded and his absence from the lineup
with the same dispiriting prognosis: "Boston, we have
a problem."

But then intergalactic superstar Manny Ramirez — one of
the only men capable of blasting a baseball to the
moon — at least temporarily retracted his invisible force
field and decided he would rather play ball than mind games.

The impact was immediate and profound, as Ramirez strapped
on his helmet and calmly tapped out a game-winning hit just
54 minutes after the countdown to a possible trade reached
:00 and talks of a disruptive transaction were officially
scrubbed.

Judge Roberts faces abortion litmus test

By
John Breneman

While Republican supporters hail John G. Roberts as a strict
constitutionalist who will certainly vote to overturn Roe
v. Wade, Democratic critics are assailing the Supreme Court
nominee as a strict constitutionalist who will certainly vote
to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Despite the fact that politicians always deny there is any
"litmus
test" for evaluating nominees, Supreme Court
hopefuls for the last three decades have been judged on their
relative acidity to or basic support of a woman’s right to
choose.

Sen. Edward Kennedy was reportedly seen chasing after Roberts
with a slip of paper that would turn red if, as expected,
Roberts is hostile to Roe v. Wade and blue if he is even remotely
sympathetic or open-minded. Instead the chubby Kennedy turned
red from over-exertion, then passed out and turned blue until
a paramedic resuscitated him by administering a ham sandwich.

There is widespread consensus that Roberts possesses a brilliant
legal mind and impressive credentials. And though both sides
are comfortable with his rambunctious
four-year-old son, Democrats have expressed angst
about his openly pro-life wife.

Also troubling to some women’s groups, Roberts’ judicial
record reveals no indication on how he would rule should the
contentious Brad Pitt v. Jennifer Aniston divorce proceeding
reach the high court.

Tang, sweet Tang

Let’s toast the space shuttle Discovery astronauts with a
tall glass of delicious orange-flavored Tang.
Do you remember Tang?
I was a big Tang
man as a boy and even dreamed of becoming an astronaut before
I decided to be a pro baseball player.

Now they’re saying it won’t be long before the dream of space
tourism becomes a reality. Some experts believe America
can achieve the goal of putting a camera-toting, flipflop-wearing,
sun-burnt family of four on the moon by the end of this decade.

It’ll be great. You’ll just call your travel agent … "Yeah,
I need two round-up tickets to Mars on the 17th. Any window
seats available?"

And the best part: Just think of the bonus miles you can
rack up when your destination is 64 million miles away.

The first space tourist — a South African millionaire named
Mark Shuttleworth — took a little joy ride with the Soviets
back in 2002. Here’s the piece I filed making fun of his $20
million, 10-day, 10-night vacation to the International Space
Station.

IBS News obtains sneak peak at Iraqi Constitution

By
John Breneman

Iraq is making progress
in hammering out a new Constitution, now that the
Sunnis have ended their boycott and returned to the bargaining
table with an assortment of mallets, gavels and ball-peen
hammering devices.

Humor Gazette/IBS News has obtained an exclusive sneak peek
at an early draft of the document, which is scheduled for
a national referendum on Oct. 15 if the country is not completely
destroyed by then.

Etched on the finest Mesopotamian papyrus, it calls for the
creation of an Islamocratic
form of government with a democratically elected House
of Mullahs. It also contains also provisions dealing with
possession and transportation of moonshine, and the possible
right of women to show their faces in public under certain
conditions.

A source close to Karl
Rove, speaking on the condition that I be sent to
Guantanamo Bay if I ever so much as whisper his name, revealed
that there is widespread agreement on the first two articles.

Article I.
Congress shall make no law prohibiting the free exercise of
religion, except to prohibit those extremist douchebags from
killing people in the name of Allah.

Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech,
except in the case of naughty words (see also Article XXX:
"Wardrobe malfunctions).

Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of the press
to publish juicy celebrity tidbits or to broadcast rank speculation
and blatantly biased opinion-mongering as "news."

Article II.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security
of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear
rocket launchers, Uzis and surface-to-air missiles, shall
not be infringed. (Also protected: Molotov cocktails, Saturday
night specials AK-47s, Gatling guns, bazookas, M4 Carbines,
sawed-off shotguns, etc.)

Terror
error blamed on
crappy education in
extremist Islamic schools

By John Breneman

One of the spineless dirtbags involved in yesterday’s bombing
attempt in London claims he and his cohorts botched the job
because their fanatically anti-American education has left them
hopelessly stupid.

"Most of us suicide bombers aren’t too bright,"
admitted Wak-Jaab al-Jalopy, a 1995 graduate of America-Must-Die
Elementary School in Islamabad, one of the so-called "madras"
schools that are notorious for brainwashing young people to
hate Western culture and kill innocent people.

"We wanted to learn how to read, do mathematics, study
literature and science. You know, feed our curious young minds.
But the teachers were always like ‘Hate America’ this and
‘Great Satan’ that. America. America. America," said
al-Jalopy.

"Those teachers didn’t care if you could read. As long
as you demonstrated intense hatred of the American pig-dogs
they would just pass you on to the next grade. In fact when
I was in sixth grade, I was already hating America at a ninth-grade
level."

The result of this extremist educational system, he said,
is a whole generation of would-be martyrs who — like that
boneheaded shoe bomber — are often too feeble-minded to carry
out their missions. And forget about having the basic common
sense to realize that Allah probably wouldn’t want them to
kill people in His name.

"The madrases teach us that 2 + 2 = 4 is just another
perverse American lie. Man, I can barely tell time and they
expect me to detonate a crude explosive device?"

Al-Jalopy speculated that two of the failed bombers may have
been trying to blow themselves up and chew gum at the same
time. Another, he said, was recognized in his school yearbook
as "most likely to blow his own ass off without killing
any infidels."

Related stories:
London
attack heightens worldwide hatred of terrorist schmucks
— July 8, 2005
Suicide
bombers get cold feet, call in sick — June 6, 2005

Court pick seen as victory for
oppressed white Christian male

By John Breneman

By nominating U.S. Appeals Court Judge John G. Roberts Jr.,
President Bush disappointed those who hoped he would add diversity
to the Supreme Court by picking the nation’s first openly
gay Mexican-Chinese transvestite albino jurist.

However, the conservative Roberts does meet the most important
test for any nominee; he does not appear to have an illegal
nanny or sexual harassment fetish.

Roberts’ agent was able to negotiate a lifetime contract
worth an estimated $200,000 a year for the 50-year-old legal
superstar, who also receives an unlimited supply of free robes
and imported rosewood gavels.

President Bush has said repeatedly he would apply no "litmus
test" in evaluating the candidates as long as they oppose
Roe v. Wade, the landmark 1973 decision guaranteeing all fetuses
the right to own a gun.

Supporters are hailing the choice as an important victory
for the oppressed white Christian male. Legal analysts say
Roberts should be confirmed by the Senate, but only after
intense grilling by Democratic senators regarding his view
on the death penalty for satirists.

Pillsbury Doughboy kidnapped

By
John Breneman

In a brazen act of culinary-political terrorism, masked intruders
armed with razor-sharp butter knives kidnapped the Pillsbury Doughboy
from the heavily guarded Pop “n” Fresh compound in Crescent City,
California.

No group has claimed responsibility for the abduction of the Doughboy,
the cherubic, flour-white baking industry icon who is the sole heir
to the vast Pillsbury fortune. But a ransom note scrawled in chocolate
frosting at the scene demanded that four dozen unmarked fudge brownies
and $50 million be deposited in a Danish bank account.

The FBI reportedly is investigating several leads — including whether Pillsbury archrival Duncan Hines is in any way involved. A source close to the Doughboy said he was in possession of a new secret recipe for a no-calorie bundt cake at the time he was snatched.

According to an anonymous FBI informant known only as John Dough,
other possible suspects include Betty Crocker, a Pillsbury subsidiary
whose own line of mouth-watering baked goods was often overshadowed
by the ubiquitious Doughboy. Federal investigators are also looking
into a possible connection between the Pillsbury kidnapping and
the nearby heist of an armored Brink’s truck filled with dough.

The only witness to the abuduction was one of the Doughboy’s bodyguards,
who reportedly saw a dark, late-model sedan racing away from the
Pillsbury compound and thought he heard plaintive, high-pitched
squeals of “Hoo, hoo!” coming from inside the vehicle.

7-30-02