Tyson
to fight Michael Jackson

By John Breneman

Boxing promoter Don
King sees two men in a ring: the King of Pop versus
the former king of popping people in the face.

That’s
right, in a classic showdown between bizarre, washed-up, girly-voiced
sex offenders, Mike Tyson will square off with Michael Jackson.
Former heavyweight champ versus reigning fast-fingered featherweight
chump. King is calling his Pay-Per-View spectacle "Thrilla
vs. Gorilla."

Possible venue: Manila.

One’s a rapist, the other’s a pedophile. One bit an opponent’s
ear off, the other mutilated his own nose. Both have lost
a fortune and need quick cash — Tyson for creditors and whores,
Jackson for a down payment on a state-of-the-art $5.2 million space-age polymer face.

The weight differential is substantial, with Tyson weighing
in at 242 pounds and Jackson tipping the scales at 136 ounces.

Tyson is the early favorite, but scrappy little Jacko learned
from his abusive dad how to absorb a good thrashing. Ringside
observers say his ability to moonwalk will help Jackson compensate
for the fact that Tyson is a stone vicious psycopath and he
is a delicate little fruitcake psychopath.

Wild pre-fight hype is a staple of any Don King event and
Tyson today took the first shot, demonstrating his well-earned
reputation
for outrageous, even cannibalistic, trash talk.

"I’m gonna cut him like a fish. Then I’m gonna eat his
liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti," said
Tyson. "I might sodomize him in the ring. I’m not sure
yet."

Jackson, not as adept in the vernacular of macho posturing,
retorted, "Oh yeah? Well I’m a smooth criminal. I’m dangerous."

After the bout, Jackson hopes to build Neverland parks for
cancer-afflicted children in Nigeria, Cambodia and Iraq. Tyson
said he plans to pursue a missionary position.

Schiavo
autopsy
reveals media in
persistent vegetative state

By John Breneman

The autopsy of Terri Schiavo has confirmed that not only
was Schiavo indeed in a persistent vegetative state, so too
is the entire media that exploited her tragic death with sensationally
executed overkill.

Analysis revealed that although the media’s ability to
reflexively emit knee-jerk, soundbite “coverage”
of important issues may make it appear there is cognitive
activity, in reality the media as we once knew it has gone
largely brain-dead.

“It’s worse than we thought,” said Sen.
Bill Frist (R-Tenn.), a physician who said the autopsy
in no way underscored what a moron he was for offering a politically
driven “medical opinion” that Schiavo wanted him
to rush to her defense.

Laughing from the sidelines, former
CBS News anchor Dan Rather said the media covered
Schiavo’s death “like a poison blanket on a hapless
Indian.”

Further evidence of a mentally incapacitated media was offered
during the macabre and madcap papal deathwatch, culminating
in FOX News anchor Shepard Smith’s premature ejaculation,
“Facts are facts, Pope John Paul II has now died.”
Smith
soon added, “Oops.”

Daily Show anchor Jon Stewart said it best in this video
clip, “The Schiavo feeding tube will soon be
removed from the cable news networks.”

Related news:

Burger
King intervenes in Schiavo case — March 30, 2005

"The
reports of my death are greatly exaggerated" –
Mark Twain

Pope
suffers pulled hamstring – March 25, 2005

Jacko verdict rocks the globe

By
John Breneman

Reaction to the Michael Jackson verdict has taken a violent
turn amid reports of anti-Jackson forces clashing with pro-Jacko
extremists around the globe.

Reporting live from Baghdad, Geraldo Rivera called the situation
there "bad" and "dangerous" as he described
a wave of looting, pillaging and baby dangling sparked by
the news that America’s most bizarre megastar was acquitted
on four counts of "Beat It" with a minor.

Several jurors were hospitalized for rabies shots after being
attacked outside the courthouse in Santa Maria, Calif., by
a pack of salivating media jackals. And an angry mob of molestation
victims lynched a Jackson look-alike in Jackson, Mississippi.

The Jacko verdict death toll now stands at one with more
fatalities expected in the days ahead, particularly in Sumatra
where a zookeeper sick of seeing that woman release doves
on TV responded by releasing a pair of man-eating tigers.

The situation was also tense in Madagascar, where the nation
is sharply divided into warring factions — those who worship
Jackson as a mystical putty-nosed deity and those who fear
him as a whitish-black anti-Christ capable of summoning a
fiery apocalypse with a wave of his sequin-gloved hand.

Fox News reported that much of the violence can be blamed
on Newsweek, which has since retracted an item saying Jackson
planned to celebrate by throwing a pajama party gangbang with
free "Jesus juice" for boys under 12.

In religious circles, the Rev. Jesse Jackson continued his
marathon "I’m with Jacko" filibuster and a Jackoist
monk imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay went on a hunger strike,
claiming guards mishandled his sacred copy of "Thriller."

* * *

Stay tuned to the Jacko
Channel for live updates from our Action Jackson 5 News
team.

Angelina Jolie romantically linked
to Kim Jong Il

Kim
Jong Il, maniacal president of North Korea and devoted movie
buff, has finally agreed to give up his lust for long-range
nuclear missiles in exchange for one night of forbidden passion
with Hollywood bombshell Angelina Jolie.

The swanky Axis of Evil party boy issued a statement saying
he likes "bad girls" and inviting Jolie to come
and personally inspect his "weapon of mass destruction."

A source close to Jolie’s luscious, pouty lips said the actress/international
activist is "intrigued" by the opportunity to defuse
the volatile North Korean whackjob. Hollywood insiders say
she’d love to put a Nobel Peace Prize next to the Oscar she
won for "Girl Interrupted" in 1999.

To sweeten the deal for Jolie, United Nations goodwill ambassador
and mother of an adopted Cambodian boy, Jong Il said she can
take her pick of cuddly impoverished North Korean infants.

"Hey, I’m no Brad Pitt. But I know how to party,"
said Jong Il. "And if Mr. Pitt wants a piece of me, my
bodyguards will go ‘Fight Club’ upside his pretty face."

Meanwhile, the international paparazzi is on a state of high
alert, with tabloids reportedly willing to pay up to $10.3
million for a photograph of the dictator "canoodling"
with the movie queen.

A spokesman said that if the Jolie negotiations fall through
Jong Il might be willing to bang Paris Hilton in exchange
for relinquishing a rusty Soviet machine gun.

Ronald McDonald undergoes ‘McMakeover’

By
John Breneman

Under doctor’s orders to change his greasy, high-fat diet
or die, fast-food superstar Ronald McDonald reportedly has
become a vegetarian.

Stung by complaints that he is a moronic poster clown for
childhood obesity, McDonald is reinventing himself as an athletic,
healthy-eating … clown. The "McMakeover"
includes a custom-tailored Armani sweatsuit, Nike cross-trainer
jumbo clown boots and a butt-load of liposuction.

Mr. McDonald said he felt a bit sluggish during his 42 years
as the company mascot, but never imagined that subsisting
solely on Quadruple Quarter-Pounders and extra-salty French
Fries was partly to blame. "Me and the Hamburglar didn’t
know any better," he says now.

McDonald credits the documentary "Supersize
Me" with helping him realize that he was being
"oppressed by the corporate goons of the red meat-industrial
complex." He said he hopes his new focus on good health
will help him realize his dream of playing in the NBA with
his good friend Yao Ming.

As part of his health regimen, McDonald now eats tofu and
does yoga each day. He has also sworn of booze, sleazy hookers,
heroin and crystal meth.

Related story:
(This one’s from when the guy sued McDonald’s for making
him fat)
The
People v. Ronald McDonald — July 30, 2002

Just got back from a trip to Florida.
Pretty smooth flight even though the pilot had a couple 12-packs in him.

In related news, the Humor Gazette’s IBS News team has obtained an exclusive copy of a controversial new airline industry safety pamphlet:

Air travel is safe and
fun

Always check under your seat for terrorists before takeoff.

Never attempt to light a stick of dynamite while aboard a commercial flight.

Only a small minority of passenger flights result in a hideous "crash landing."

Children who refuse to "shut the hell up" should be smacked sharply on the head.

Please keep all genitalia inside your clothing for the duration of the flight.

If a terrorist should brandish a box-cutter, leap out the nearest emergency door.

Passengers are encouraged to yell "Wheeee!" while sliding to safety.

Customers may enjoy our complimentary oxygen during the death plunge.

Once the shark tears off your legs, the seat cushion keeps your bloody torso afloat.

Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick

Make-believe suicide bomber Akbar Kapowi

By John Breneman

In a shocking development in the war in Iraq, no suicide
bomber blew up a bunch of innocent victims yesterday.

This marks the first day in recent memory that no dim-witted
Muslim extremist jackass has blown himself, and bystanders,
to smithereens.

An anonymous terrorist leader calling himself "Deep
Goat" said plans for moderate to heavy violence fell
through for several reasons, including inclement weather and
a rumor that all that bull about banging virgins in Heaven
is actually a load of camel dung.

"Deep Goat," believed to be a regional manager
for Insurgents R Us, said the lack of senseless death is just
an aberration and assured that regularly scheduled suicide
bombings will resume tomorrow.

Several of the rocket scientists scheduled to blow their
brains out yesterday called in sick and others came up with
a variety of excuses. One claimed the dog ate his "Martyr
Manual," another had to attend his son’s graduation from
Bush the Anti-Christ Elementary School and yet another realized
that Allah, like most self-respecting deities, actually frowns
on killing innocent people in his name.

Other excuses included:
— overslept
— accidentally sent suicide bomb vest to the dry cleaners
— ran out of gas on the way back from sabotaging an oil refinery
— wife was nagging him to remodel the rape room
— found out he was allergic to his own mangled flesh
— realized mission would interfere with lifelong dream of
crashing an exploding Hyundai into the Eiffel Tower
— figured out he could make more money selling Saddam Hussein
material on eBay

Tune in to the 5 p.m. edition of IBS News for a followup
on our exclusive "Suicide Bomber Excuses" report.

(Note: the I-Team welcomes reader
submissions).

Jacko’s inner child cites years of abuse

By
John Breneman

The judge in the Michael Jackson molestation trial has agreed
to allow shocking photographic evidence of the singer’s
most severely traumatized alleged victim, his once-adorable
childhood self.

To substantiate the charge that he abuses young boys, prosecutors
introduced a photo of Michael Jackson at age 10, then placed
it next to a recent image of the freakish-looking pop star.

“Just look what Michael Jackson did to this innocent
little boy,” said Assistant District Attorney Ron Zonen.
“He took this precocious, joyful African American lad
and gradually turned him into hideous, perverted white woman.”

The jury gasped at the apparent physical and psychological
trauma evident in what the prosecution called “Exhibit
ABC.”

Jackson covered his face and pretended to almost faint. He
was then hospitalized overnight for dehydration, guilty conscience
and a quick nose job.

Meanwhile, the courtroom braced for blockbuster testimony
from another surprise witness, former Jackson confidant Bubbles
the Chimp.

Watergate source revealed to be porn star

By
John Breneman

The identity of America’s most famous anonymous source has
finally been laid bare. The Watergate informant known only
as "Deep Throat" is porn star Linda Lovelace, who
also starred in a movie by the same name.

Media analysts agree that the revelation gives new meaning
to the term "whistle blower."

Lovelace became a key figure in the 1974 resignation of President
Richard Nixon by offering the Washington Post sensational
information about kinky Republican shenanigans at the Watergate
Hotel.

Lovelace always denied her role in blowing the lid off the
Watergate scandal, saying in a 1999 interview with Hustler
magazine, "Mmmph bwallph gagh Nixolphg."

But investigative reporter Bob "The Wood Man" Woodward
today confirmed the explosive revelation about Lovelace and
said the spunky source urged him and colleague Carl Bernstein
to "follow the money shot."

After their reports revealed the president’s role in the
Watergate coverup, Nixon resigned in disgrace and went on
to star in the soft-core political porn movie "Tricky
Dick Does Dallas."

Mobster memo

Idea for mobster Vincent
“The Animal” Ferrara… Pick a specific
animal. No need to hog the whole animal kingdom, dude. There’s
plenty of species to go around.

The Shark. The Panther. The Tarantula. Now those names evoke
danger, power and terror as well as The Animal but with a
little extra zing. Though, you have to admit, The Animal does
have a certain uniquely animalistic quality to it.

But how about The Piranha? Man, those mothers are vicious.

The Wolverine. The Badger, nah.

Actually, I’ve always been partial to the fire ant.
They make a lovely nickname and they can also be utilized
to “rub out” an adversary with their fiery venom.

The Porcupine? I’m not messin’ with him.

The Penguin, wait that’s taken.

The Mongoose has potential. The Viper has a nice evil ring
to it. And you can’t beat The Jackal.
I don’t know, just a thought. The Animal probably works
best. Plus it would be a pain to change all the checks and
credit cards.

(Note to Mr. Animal. Please don’t "whack"
me… Sincerely, fire ant.)