Top baby name for 2005 is ‘Jacko’

Step
aside Joshua and Emily, Nicolas and Madison, the top baby
name so far in 2005 is Jacko.

Pay no attention to this “real
list” from the “government,” IBS News
has the inside dope from a “high-ranking source”
in the “administration.”

But with the obvious stigma attached to the name (Jackson
is charged with child molestation and self-induced facial
manslaughter), why are millions of devoted fans choosing to
name their infants Jacko, or for girls Jackolyn?

Note moniker expert Rachmaninoff Aspercreme Jr. believes that
new parents, like much of society at large, have been so brainwashed
by round-the-clock “Jacko” coverage that the word
has been literally drilled into their cerebral cortex. Jacko.

(IBS News will be following the Jacko story live for the
next hour so check back for possible updates. We return you
now to your regularly scheduled life.)

Fake news alert:

The Social Security Administration has just revealed that
the “Jacko is top baby name for 2005” story is a
hoax, this according to a high-ranking official close to the
other high-ranking official who leaked this “story”
to IBS News.

Anyone having any information on the allegedly false Jacko
baby name story is advised to email jacko@humorgazette.com

Beantown buzzing with Bono banter

With
a certain beloved Irish rock band in town for a three-night
stand, seems like everybody today is writing about U2. Me
too.

The Inside Track has tracked Bono to his ritzy
Boston bedroom.

Back in March, Bono
met with former deputy defense secretary and current World
Bank head Paul Wolfowitz. Bono, the only rock official
whose name was "bandied about" for the World Bank
post, pushed the Wolf Man to feed some cash to food agencies
and the Wolfinator gave Bono an idea for hit a song about
how great the war is going in Iraq.

Now Bono, though incredibly cool (“f—ing brilliant,”
you might say), has never been a heave the TV out the 12th-story
window kind of rock star. He’s more of an anti-poverty,
human rights, world peace kind of rock star.

Remember three years ago when he toured Africa with U.S.
Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill? Well, it just so happens
I sent an IBS News crew along and filed this must-read report:

Bono, O’Neill rattle and hum through Africa

By John Breneman

(May 28, 2002)  Irish pop legend Bono, now touring
Africa with U.S. Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill in hopes
of alleviating third world poverty, today challenged the western
world to do more to supply impoverished Africans with the
rocker’s favorite blue-tinted Romeo Gigli sunglasses and black
Prada boots.

"These Africans are very cool people. But think how
much bloody cooler they could be if they were able to dress
like me," Bono said during a visit to a Ford plant in
Pretoria, South Africa. The rock star reacted emotionally
to conditions at the plant, where he observed that many of
the workers were clad in dusty generic black sunglasses and
beat-up Herman’s Survivor boots.

Noting that the global economy works in "mysterious
ways," Bono said he visited an HIV clinic located "under
a blood red sky" in a part of Uganda "where the
streets have no name" and was impressed by the people
and their "unforgettable fire."

Hussein pulls lawsuit out of briefs
case

By
John Breneman

Saddam Hussein is threatening to slap The Sun with a $1 million
lawsuit for publishing pictures of him in his skivvies. Hussein
contends the incident has caused him emotional distress, though
not quite as much as being bombed out of his palace then busted
cowering in a dirt rathole.

The murderous dictator, who gassed his own countrymen for
fun, is also claiming the media has tarnished his image by
portraying him as a murderous dictator who gassed his own
countrymen for fun. He is being represented by the law firm
of Zarqawi, Chalabi & Dershowitz.

After debriefing President Bush, a Pentagon spokesman briefed
the press on the latest developments swirling around Saddam’s
briefs.

But Newsweek got the scoop again: According to an anonymous
source close to the guy who does Hussein’s laundry, the
half-naked madman is distraught that U.S. personnel allegedly
ruined his copy of the Koran in the washing machine.

Related fake news:
Saddam
Hussein seeking work as a media pundit

Atomic thrill-a-buster…

Congratulations, fellow "nuclear option" survivors.
The thrill-a-minute filibuster crisis is history.

Democracy as we know it has been saved, in a riveting Senate
showdown that most Americans find hopelessly boring compared
to the unfolding drama involving Saddam Hussein’s underpants.

A recent IBS News poll reveals that 92% of U.S. media consumers
instinctively fall into a deep slumber when hearing the term
"stalled judicial nominations," but are easily revived
by the words “half-naked Iraqi madman.”

Meanwhile, with all the attention focused on the Senate’s
so-called “nuclear option,” Iran has reportedly
developed the capacity to suppress dissent using chemical
and biological filibusters. Worse yet, North Korea is said
to be six months away from deploying a neutron filibuster
that destroys all humans within earshot but leaves the buildings
standing.

Click
here to visit John Breneman’s new blog at BostonHerald.com

Photos prove Saddam possessed BVDs

By
John Breneman

President Bush said today that photos published in a London
tabloid prove Saddam Hussein possessed a terrifying arsenal
of BVDs.

Calling the images "horrifying" and "definitely
not sexy," Bush invited the civilized world to join him
in mocking the defrocked dictator and his feeble act of "half-naked
aggression."

When reminded that his reason for war was Hussein’s WMDs
and not his BVDs, the president grinned and said, "Naked
aggression, heh-heh."

Responding to charges that the U.S. only inflames anti-American
hatred with stories about Koran shenanigans and photo of scantily
clad dictators and pig-piled detainees, President Bush said,
"C’mon, we’re not trying to humiliate the man. I mean,
we’ve almost got that sucker potty trained. Wacky little madman.
I’ve got his pistol."

Bush explained that the controversial photographs were actually
part of an elaborate prank pulled by Defense Secretary Donald
Rumsfeld.

"Yeah, Rumsfeld punked him," said Bush, "somehow
convinced him he was getting a conjugal visit from Angelina
Jolie." But instead of a pouty-lipped sexpot, Hussein
instead found himself on a blind date with an elite U.S. paparazzi
unit.

A spokesman said Hussein is eager to begin filing lawsuits
and added that, despite the circumstances, the aspiring Hanes
poster boy feels "good all under."

A high-ranking lieutenant in the Hugo Boss organization said
Hussein could have a promising future in the underwear industry.
"Bad is good, evil is money and Hussein’s got this sort
of Marky Mark meets Hitler thing going."

Calvin Klein could not be reached for comment.

Shiite hits the fan over bum Newsweek
report

By
John Breneman

Newsweek reported today that, for the third consecutive week,
the Koran is ranked #1 on the New York Times most-flushed-down-the-toilet
list.

The magazine’s controversial report about alleged mistreatment
of the holy book has sparked outrage in the Muslim world and,
of course, plenty of senseless killings. Osama bin Laden vowed
to seek vengeance by farting on a Bible if someone could just
FedEx one to his cave.

Other books contending for the top spot on the prestigious
most-flushed list: "Suicide Bomber’s Guide to the Galaxy"
by Douglas Adams, Mitch Albom’s "Tuesdays With Moammar"
and the final installment in the Star Wars saga, "Revenge
of the Shiite."

Plumbers have also reported handling an increase in wadded-up
copies of "The Da Vinci Code," particularly in Catholic
households. Also swirling in the literary hopper, best-selling
vowel movements by Jane Fonda, Bob Dole, Zell Miller, Suzanne
Somers, Queen Noor, Jenny McCarthy and the Welches, Jack and
Suzy.

And just out on paperback, "The Seven Habits of Highly
Effective Insurgents" and Mitch Albom’s other chart-topper,
"The Five Nubile Virgins You Meet in Heaven."

(Real news alert: "Fear and Loathing in Las
Vegas" by Dr. Hunter S. Thompson clocked in at #33 on
the Times’ Paperback Nonfiction list … right behind "The
Making of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith.")

Rolling Fossils
announce world tour

By John Breneman

The Rolling Stones, affectionately known as the Rolling Fossils,
have announced plans for a worldwide "Rock the Hospice"
tour opening Aug. 21 at Fenway Park and marking the first
time the Stones have played Boston since 1918.

In a related development, archaeologists have unearthed evidence
that the band, originally thought to have formed in London
in the mid-20th century, actually were created by geologic
forces during the waning days of the Neolithic Era.

Rock historians are ecstatic over the discovery, reportedly
a Stone Age fossil bearing the impression of a giant set of
human lips with a tongue sticking out.

Also found at the scene, several flint guitar picks and a
sheath of woolly mammoth skin with the lyrics to the Stones
hit "Monkey Man," now being interpreted as a biting
musical commentary on mankind’s evolution from Neanderthal
to Cro-Magnon.

The discoveries suggest that wrinkly frontman Mick Jagger,
until recently thought to be 61 years old, is actually closer
to 6,100. Nevertheless, the cocky, Viagara-popping rocker was
recently named "Sexiest Sexagenarian Alive" by AARP
magazine.

The Stones (also known as "Their Arthritic Majesties")
have updated many of their best-loved songs to reflect their
advanced age. The following is a partial list of old favorites
the band is expected to play.

Homeland Security Dept. spokesman Jason urged Americans to be extra alert on Friday the 13th.

Homeland Security issues
‘bad luck’ alert for Friday 13th

By John Breneman

The Department of Homeland Security issued a "bad luck"
advisory today, Friday the 13th, urging Americans to avoid
the heightened threat of misfortune by protecting themselves
with rabbits’ feet and four-leaf clovers.

The CIA would neither confirm nor deny that it has detained
thousands of black cats and taken many for interrogation at
Guantanamo Bay, where they have been described as aloof and
uncooperative.

Pedestrians are urged not to walk underneath ladders or step
on any seemingly harmless sidewalk cracks, to minimize the
risk of one’s mother suffering a possible spinal injury.

Warning: Individuals resembling this police sketch may pose a threat of bad luck.

Leading economists speculate that 3.2 million of the lost
or abandoned pennies scattered across the American landscape
will be picked up today by people who ordinarily wouldn’t
waste the 10 seconds it takes to bend down for a useless one-cent
piece.

The Justice Department issued a statement reminding Americans
that breaking a mirror is punishable by up to seven years
bad luck. President Bush began the day by rubbing Dick Cheney’s
head and planned to spend the afternoon playing horseshoes.

The president said Americans needn’t worry about Friday the
13th because he has everything under control, but conventional
wisdom suggests keeping your fingers crossed just in case.

Tonight on The Jacko Channel …

5:00 p.m.   "Jacko Celebrity
Poker"  —  Watch Jacko try to bluff his
way to riches with a measly pair of jacks.

5:30 p.m.   "Everybody
Loves Jacko"  —  Deborah frets
about whether to leave Jacko alone with the twins, Jeffrey
and Michael.

6:00 p.m.   "Jacko-tainment
Tonight"  —  Exclusive
unsubstantiated chatter about Jacko’s affair with Paula Abdul’s
kid brother.

6:30 p.m.   "World
Wrestling Federation Presents: Jacko Smackdown"
 —  Can you smell what Jacko is cookin’?

7:00 p.m.   "Jacko
Fear Factor"  —  Watch the Speedo-clad
Jacko eat live maggots while dangling upside-down from a moving
helicopter.

8:00 p.m.   "CSI:
Neverland"  —  Gil Grissom and
his team of forensic sleuths comb Neverland for clues about
Jacko’s involvement in a grisly serial killing.

9:00 p.m.   "Law &
Order: Jacko Victims Unit"  — 
Detective Ice-T comes down hard on an alleged pop star pedophile.

10:00 p.m.   "The
O’Jacko Factor"  —  Jacko berates
hapless liberals, says he doesn’t see anything wrong with
sharing his bed with Rush Limbaugh.

11:00 p.m.   "Extreme
Race and Gender Makeover"  —  An
exclusive, behind-the-scenes report on how Jacko fulfilled
his dream of becoming a scary-looking white woman.

12: 00 a.m.   "Mister
Jacko’s Neighborhood"  —  Can you
say "molestation"? A friendly, cardigan-clad Jacko
entertains the kids with help from King Friday and Mr. McFeely.

Mother’s Day card yields clues on bin Laden

FBI profilers say Osama bin Laden’s psycopathic behavior is rooted in conflicted feelings about his mother (pictured above).

By John Breneman

Authorities hunting for Osama bin Laden tracked the elusive
terrorist mama’s boy to Akbar’s House of Flowers in Afghanistan,
where he sent his mom a cheap bouquet and a cheesy card promising
"the mother of all Mother’s Days."

"Dear Mimsie — Ten thousand virgins could not stop
me from showering you with hatred, I mean love," read
the card, which was intercepted by U.S. authorities and also
included a gift certificate for a new burka from Old Navy.

One FBI profiler claims bin Laden’s all-consuming quest to
"kill whitey" is rooted in unresolved feelings about
his mother, who reportedly pushed him to become a doctor,
lawyer or oil tycoon and did not hide her disappointment when
he instead became an international hate-monger.

Sources say the young bin Laden grew up hopelessly confused
about how his mother’s reverence for Allah squared with her
passion for Western television programs like "Maude,"
"The Jeffersons" and "Love, American Style."

Margaret "Ma" bin Laden once told Geraldo Rivera
that she tried to get young Osama to play baseball or marbles,
but he was always too busy waging backyard "holy wars"
against imaginary "infidels." She also confided
that she long ago gave up her dream that he would someday
buy her a cable-ready condominium in Palm Beach.