Al Jazeera to broadcast Super Bowl

By
John Breneman

Now that they’ve experienced the thrill of voting, the Iraqi
people are set to kick back on their couches and munch Halliburton
snack pouches while enjoying the ultimate symbol of American
glory — the Super Bowl.

The game will be broadcast for the first time on al Jazeera,
which is hyping Sunday’s showdown as "American Gridiron
Devils XXXIX." In keeping with Super Bowl tradition,
the Arabic telecast commercials will feature farting camels
and scantily-clad detainees pitching pills for a debilitating
condition called "Iraq-tile dysfunction."

The halftime show — featuring an extravagant display of
surface-to-air fireworks — will have a five-second delay
to guard against any possible burka malfunction when Janet
Jackson takes center stage with Bo Jackson, Jesse Jackson
and Samuel L. Jackson in a Jackson-studded salute to Jacksonian
democracy.

Michael Jackson could not be in Jacksonville for the game,
but the King of Pop — who joined
the Nation of Islam for about 24 hours in Dec. 2003
— has taped a message congratulating Muslim fans on the selection
of their favorite player, Patriots running back Rabih Abdullah,
to the first-ever Allah-Madden Team.

President Bush will also appear via satellite, offering pre-game
safety tips to protect novice football fans from the ever-present
danger of choking
on a pretzel.

Related stories:

Super
Bowl XXXVIII: Thanks for the mammaries

Donkeys
defeat Elephants in political football

Groundhog predicts nuclear winter

By
John Breneman

Punxsutawney Phil, the famed Pennsylvania groundhog
who in popular lore is credited with being able to predict
the coming of spring, popped out today and predicted the onset
of an apocalyptic nuclear winter. The animal then scurried
back into its heavily fortified underground bunker.

President Bush responded by pledging to smoke
the animal out of its burrow, if necessary summoning assistance
from noted groundhog control expert Bill Murray.

But with all the commotion over Groundhog Day,
the liberal, pro-groundhog news media has once again neglected
other equally deserving members of the animal kingdom and
their ability to forecast everything from optimum agricultural
conditions to fluctuations in the stock market.

For example: We know that, in most cultures,
if the livestock act jittery it means that a devastating earthquake
or tornado is coming soon. But few humans are aware that people
in some parts of South America look to the agile spider monkey
to help them determine when the rainy season will come.

If the spider monkey is seen hanging by its
tail from a tree limb while munching a fistful of berries,
the rainy season will come at the normal time. However, if
the monkey is seen reading a copy of "Curious George
Defoliates a Rain Forest" and chain-smoking a pack of
Marlboro 100s, it is taken to mean that the rainy season will
be delayed by 17 days.

In Portsmouth, N.H., city officials have been
known to use the ordinary household canine to influence civic
policy. If a dog is seen "doing its business" near
the swingset in a park frequented by children, this invariably
means six more months of City Council debate on whether stringent
leash laws or designated dog parks are needed.

And
in many coastal communities, the great white shark has long
been used to predict whether the coming tourist season will
be economically bountiful or lean. If a shark’s fin is spotted
in the shallow water near the beach, it is believed that the
tourist season will either be slow or marred by gruesome tragedy.

History confirms that utilizing animals in this
fashion is by no means a recent phenomenon. As far back as
1807, Napoleon Bonaparte is said to have entrusted a praying
mantis named "Admiral Green" to advise him on when
to launch military strikes.

Insects like the common housefly have demonstrated
an uncanny knack for predicting the unexpected arrival of
one’s mother-in-law, and the cuddly koala has been known to
give profitable insider tips to stock brokers dabbling in
the volatile eucalyptus market.

In some segments of the scientific community,
it is believed that if a single-call protozoan life form being
examined under an electron microscope sees its shadow and
begins to undergo meiotic division of its nuclei, then there
will be six more weeks of accelerated binary fission.

Millions of these "Punxsutawney Paramecium"
can be found in a single drop of pond water. Ah, the wonders
of nature. And we haven’t even mentioned the amazing powers
of the Shetland pony, the pygmy sperm whale or the mud dauber
wasp.

Dewey hammers Truman in Iraqi election

By
John Breneman

The Iraqi election is being hailed as a triumphant first
step in that country’s violent transition to an Islamocratic
form of government, and a mandate for President Bush’s crusade
to rid the world of non-democracy.

The vote was widely seen as a crushing defeat for Terrorist
Party leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, whose effort to literally
"take out" the vote yielded a pathetic single-digit
turnout of suicide bombers. A spokesman for Al Qaeda suggested
Zarqawi may have squandered too much on his anti-election
warchest on costly attack ads boasting of Election Day attacks.

The networks reported that turnout might have been somewhere
around 60 percent (margin of error 10.6 inky blue fingers),
while devoting approximately 60 percent of their coverage
to speculation on how the strong turnout would affect everything
from the price of oil to the New York Stock Exchange and the
all-important Fatwa Index.

FOX News blasted Al Jazeera, Al Arabiya and Al Franken for
biased coverage, while offering "fair and balanced"
commentary accusing U.S. liberals of "rooting for the
insurgents."

The highlight from the FOX newsroom — where anchors actually
read the line "only one network has real journalism"
— was when Shepard Smith personally heralded Geraldo Rivera
for his "impressive" work reporting on what the
day meant to Geraldo.

One exit poll said 99 percent of the voters believe terrorists
are "morons and assholes" and reactions on the streets
of Baghdad ranged from that annoying high-pitched ululating
sound to joyous shouts of "Holy Shiite!"

President Bush’s approval rating among Iraqis skyrocketed
to a record-high 3.2 percent, prompting White House speculation
that if he rolled through Baghdad in a ticker-tape parade,
Bush would be showered with sweets, flowers … and that
annoying high-pitched ululating sound.

An administration spokesperson added that the Iraq vote could
pave the way for future elections in Iran, Syria, North Korea
and other naughty governments on the president’s regime-change
list.

Despite a few hanging jihads, the election was considered
a raging success. But most holy war pundits agree it will
still be a rocky road to Iraqi democracy.

Global warming caused

by increased activity in Hell

By
John Breneman

Scientists at the University of Helsinki claim they have
solved the mystery of global warming.

A team of forensic diabologists led by the Rev.
Dr. Zoltan Fahrenheit found startling evidence that the gradual
rise in temperatures around the globe is caused not by holes
in the ozone layer or defoliation of the rain forests, but
rather by increased activity in Hell.

Using a cutting-edge procedure called thermodemonalysis,
Dr. Fahrenheit concluded that the incremental temperature
climb that has alarmed scientists throughout the world is
caused by heat-generating phenomena that can be traced directly
to Hades.

For example:

— Snatching of souls is up 7.2 percent over the previous
fiscal year.

— Fire-based torture of the eternally damned is up 10.3 percent,
due in part to double-digit increases in sloth, gluttony and
greed during the 1980s and 90s.

— Underworld space constraints have caused a construction
boom of blast furnace holding tanks to house new arrivals.

The Helsinki report also cited charges that Satan and his henchmen control gasoline prices using covert, subterranean destabilization
of the oil-rich Middle East.

Underworld spokesman Scorchy Crisp roundly denounced the
University of Helsinki findings as "all fire and brimstone,
no smoking gun."

"This is just another example of the Devil being used
as a scapegoat for man’s innate tendency toward stupidity
and self-destruction," Crisp said during a press conference
held in a makeshift fiery pit in Helena, Montana.

Bernie Burnham, CEO of Lucifer Technologies, a subsidiary
of Hades Unlimited, also debunked the report.

"The Devil, the Prince of Darkness, Old Scratch — call
him what you will — has been around for thousands of years
perpetrating evil in all its forms. Why global warming now,
all of a sudden? It doesn’t make sense."

The Devil himself was unavailable for comment, Crisp explained,
because he was away on his monthly recruiting trip to Washington,
D.C.

President looking
to earn some extra cash

By
John Breneman

President Bush announced today he needs another $80 billion
to keep fighting his war in Iraq. But when critics hammered
him over where he expects America to come up with that kind
of cash, the president said he is thinking of getting a part-time
job.

"Bein’ president is hard work," said Bush. But
he added that he’s willing to pump gas or get a paper route
if it helps bring democracy to the whole wide world.

The president said he’d like to dig for oil in the Arctic
National Wildlife Refuge a couple nights a week or maybe use
his Texas tough talk to get some of those Guantanamo detainees
to spill the beans. And, when it comes to people like Mr.
Bush who have the clout to dish out lucrative no-bid defense
contracts, Halliburton is always hiring.

But those closest to the president say the job he is best
suited for is "clearing brush," an activity that
already occupies more of his time than, say, researching issues
like global climate change that are critical to the future
of our world.

And though there is not much brush to be found around the
Washington D.C. Beltway, insiders say there is plenty of "dead
wood" scattered throughout most government office buildings
and even the halls of Congress.

Other possible part-time jobs for the leader of the free
world include reading books to children during times of crisis,
knocking down that pesky wall between Church and State and
coming up with priceless material for late-night comedians.

Shedding our cell-phone hangups

By
John Breneman

Hello? Yeah, it’s me. Due to recent advancements in technology
and marketing, I am now convinced that I can no longer exist
without a cell phone. Lately I’ve noticed that almost everyone
is having great fun chatting into them while walking down
the street or weaving down the interstate.

Can you hear me now? I’m told Virgin Mobile has cherry deals
for cell-phone virgins and, no, I don’t believe reports that
the radiation causes brain damage in laboratory rats.

From watching TV, I am aware that cellular phone manufacturers
are always innovating, dreaming up new ways for consumers
to enjoy their product. The people at Nextel say you can now
utilize their popular 6600 model to insulate yourself from
non-cellular sensory experience and blot out up to 90% of
the annoying audiovisual stimuli produced by the world around
you.

Sanyo says you can hear voices in your RX100 while doing
yoga, sitting through interminable religious services or tucking
in the baby. If you’re hip to the hype you know a shiny Samsung
can help you feel young, Audiovox rocks and Panasonic is simply
symphonic. Talk about the old hard sell, a slick-talking nametag
at Circuit City assured me I can "choke my Nokia"
whenever and wherever I please.

So don’t tell me it’s unsafe to zigzag down the highway with
a phone in my hand and a voice in my head. Wheeling and dealing
behind the wheel is all part of the deal. Why else would Motorola
make an 8-megapixel i860 equipped with overhead cameras and
a factory hemi?

Another thing that appeals to me about the cellular telephone
craze is that they are always coming out with "cool"
new phrases to use on your "cell." The following
are "in" for 2005:

— "Lemme speed up, I can’t hear you with all these
stupid cars honking at me."
— "At the end of the day I just want to diversify my
portfolio."
— "While I’m here, do we need any analgesic? Cube steak?"
— "And so I was, like, whatever."
— "Sorry, I can ba–ly underst–d wh– you’re s–ing
with all this f—ing st-tic."
— "No thanks. I don’t want to consider switching to
a new plan."
— "Hang on while I finish up this orgasm."

Yet despite all these swell advancements (smell-phones by
Calvin Klein, coming soon) cellular communication has its
detractors, those who would stem cell-phone research for ethical
reasons. How dare they? Freedom of wireless speech is guaranteed
in the U.S. Cellular Constitution …

Hold on a second, I think I feel something vibrating in my
pants.

Bush sworn in on a stack of Bibles

By
John Breneman

Basking in the glory of his terrific/horrific war to liberate/obliterate
Iraq, President George W. Bush used his inaugural address
today to take aim at a new goal: "the greatest achievements
in the history of freedom."

The president’s grand plan to end tyranny by bullying the
world into liberty was revealed shortly after Chief Justice
William H. Rehnquist administered the presidential oaf of
office. Bush insisted on taking the oath with his left hand
resting upon "a whole stack of Bibles" to reflect
his personal commitment to using religious imagery for personal
gain.

The history-minded president evoked the memory of John F.
Kennedy by recalling that turning point at age 40 when Bush
quit his beloved booze, made God his new best pal and said
to himself, "Ask not what your Daddy can do for you —
ask what you can do to be more like your Daddy."

After saying "freedom" 27 times and "liberty"
on 15 occasions, President Bush Jr. concluded with a word
from his loyal colleague and trusted adviser, the Lord: "May
God bless you, and may He kick the ass of anyone who messes
with the United States of America."

The White House dismissed criticism of the $40 million spent
on Bush’s lavish inauguration, saying that amount wouldn’t
even pay for seven hours of his nifty $1-billion-a-week war.
An additional $20 million security effort insured that insurgent
protesters would not disrupt the day by invoking their quaint
First Amendment rights.

The inauguration was attended by a parade of dignitaries,
including Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesus Christ and Dick Cheney’s
lesbian daughter.

Former President George H.W. Bush arrived by parachute, touching
down next to his wife Barbara, whose uncanny resemblance to
George Washington grows with each passing inauguration. They
were accompanied by son Jeb, the Florida governor who is widely
believed to be next in line for the Bush throne.

Banned from the historic proceeding was a reporter from the
Humor Gazette, the influential satire publication that made
news by rejecting a $240,000 White House payoff to promote
the president’s controversial "No Body Bag Left Behind"
initiative.

Other Humor Gazette exclusives critical of the president
include the following:

— "Bush
received faulty intelligence from God" (July
14, 2004)

— coverage
of that embarrassing moment when a baby peed on him at the
Republican convention (Aug. 31, 2004)

— the
Gazette’s dung-in-cheek "endorsement" of Bush
(Aug. 27, 2004)

—
the infamous "Fistful of Jelly Beans" report comparing
Bush, unfavorably, to his hero Ronald Reagan (June
7, 2004)

— the
release of documents proving that the president is an asswipe
(Sept. 22, 2004)

— a
Gazette scoop questioning whether Bush evaded Boy Scout duty
(April 10, 2004)

— satiric
coverage of the president’s memorable "Something will
pop into my head" speech (April 14, 204)

— critical
analysis of his "joke" about weapons of mass destruction
(March 26, 2004)

— a
report taking the president to task for "flip-flopping"
on Osama bin Laden (Oct. 14, 2004)

— coverage
of his pre-election threat to use military force against any
Democratic candidates he felt posed a threat to his presidency
(Nov. 4, 2003)

— his
suggestion that an unfavorable Newsweek poll was unpatriotic
(May 17, 2004)

— his
handling of the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal
(May 25, 2004)

— Bush’s
nomination for a "Purple Chin" award for sustaining
a mountain bike injury in the line of duty (May 30,
2004)

— hard-edged
analysis of his "trickle-down" policy of pissing
in America’s ear and calling it a golden beacon of democracy
(Oct. 11, 2004)

— his
"firing" by Donald Trump (March 2, 2004)

— a
story speculating about the president’s forked tongue
(June 4, 2004)

— a
critique of the president’s nuke-u-lar ramblings, "Misprouncing
a lie doesn’t make it true" (Aug. 16, 2004)

— an
irreverent debate preview with rules to the "Presidential
Debate Drinking Game" (Sept. 30, 2004)

— vice-presidential
debate analysis revealing Dick Cheney’s ability to secrete
toxic venom through his fangs (Oct. 6, 2004)

— a
report critical of the president’s missionary position on
gay marriage (June 7, 2004)

— a
report critical of his "No Slacker Left Behind"
education plan (May 25, 2004)

— a
review of a book critical of Bush written by a former White
House janitor (March 24, 2004)

Please consider voting for the Humor Gazette

New
Year’s resolution:
kick Pez addiction

By John Breneman

This year I resolve to give up Fritos, Doritos, Cheetos,
Tostitos and refried burritos; no more succumbing to inner
snack-food libidos. In fact I hope to eschew all products
in the tasty but fattening -eatos food group.

I am also determined to lick my $1.99/week Pez addiction.
But I would be even more pleased if President Bush were able
kick his $1 billion/week war habit.

And I am seriously considering making a vow to think about
whether to maybe make some hardish decisions about the potential
need to possibly become somewhat less indecisive. Maybe.

A word of advice. In 2005 you will definitely want to avoid
carbs, cholesterol and all cancer-causing carcinogens. Also
CAT scans, cockfights and cardiac smackdowns. Basically anything
that starts with a "C."

Now, here — recommended by my crack team of leading experts
— are some handy tips on other key things to avoid in 2005:

— Getting punched in the face
— Becoming "just another statistic"
— Poison blowgun darts
— People who stink
— Tapeworms
— Identity thieves
— Hidden charges
— Roaming fees
— Rude awakenings
— Elephantitis
— Cerebral bypass surgery
— Rotten apples, sour grapes and manufacturers’ lemons

You might say the road to self-improvement is rich in carbon
monoxide. Try the book "101 Ways to Rid Yourself of Unsightly
Ugliness and Excess Hate." Changed my life. Other must-reads:
"Duct Tape Dogma," "Mapping the Human Genome
for Fun and Profit" and "The Da Vinci Diet."

When
Harry met Nazi

By John Breneman

Prince Harry apologized for wearing a Nazi uniform to a costume
party, attributing his lapse in judgment to a combination
of booze, ecstasy and crack.

"I thought it would be a gas," said the 20-year-old
prince, whose hobbies include partying and disgracing the
English throne. "All the skinheads I know do bloody well
with the birds. I thought the swastika was really shagadelic,
but now I realize it might be offensive to anyone with half
a brain."

A source close to the bloke who shovels the dung from under
the prince’s polo pony said the Hitler homage was not Harry’s
first choice of party attire.

"He tried on a few Osama bin Laden beards but couldn’t
find just the right one," said Nigel Tufnel. "And
he was keen on going as a Ku Klux Klansman but couldn’t find
a bedsheet without bleeding ‘Buckingham Palace’ embroidered
on it."

The prince also decided against going as the murderous Ugandan
dictator Idi Amin because his black face paint kept smudging
and the pillow under his ‘Party Animal’ T-shirt kept shifting.

Prince Charles, who is said to be outraged by the incident,
reportedly grounded his youngest son and made him promise
not to get drunk or stoned for two weeks.

Related stories:
Harry
the Nazi: a defence of the idiot prince (London News Review)

Harry
Starts Fascist Fashion Craze (The Spoof)

Prince
Harry’s letter of apology (The Chortler)

Pitt split: world mourns Brad-Jen apocalypse

By
John Breneman

Hollywood is abuzz with insipid wordplay in response to the
tragic news that the Pitts have called it quits.

There are many theories on what caused the Aniston-Pitt split.
Some say Jen was seen frolicking with a handsome Brit. Or
that Brad pined for a little Pitt, a son to play catch with
his little Pitt mitt. Some say it was Jen’s inability to knit,
but others say this didn’t bug Pitt one bit.

Did he prefer to stand while she liked to sit? Did she hate
to expectorate while he liked to spit? Did he call her a nitwit
and she threw a fit?

Whatever the case, the Pitt split seems legit. Or is it too
early to write the couple’s obit? The mega-super-duper-couple
seemed so close-knit, but in the end was it just a bad fit?
And why, why oh why, do we give half a shit?

The split has caused millions to pause and sit, weep a bit,
even fall to their knees and mourn Aniston-Pitt. So sad, and
yet sadder still to admit, tsunami survivors have been particularly
hard hit.

The Brad-Jen armageddon is cruel, this is true. But they,
and we too, will surely pull through. We’ll reflect on these
stars, how our lives they once lit, while subsisting on rations
from our Pitt Split Survival Kit.*

*A source close to the publicist for Brad Pitt’s personal
assistant’s limousine driver said the Pitt Split Survival
Kit contains:

— a DVD of the "Friends" episode featuring guest
star Brad Pitt
— a mock People magazine cover proclaiming Aniston-Pitt offspring
"Sexiest Infant Alive"
— two "I (Heart) Brad and Jen" T-shirts
— 8×10 photos of the couple "canoodling" during
happier times
— one "Death to Angelina Jolie" voodoo doll

Related
story:
Aniston tops list of "50 Most
Beautiful People" (April 30)