MANGER
DANGER!
War on Christmas causes self-inflicted wounds

(WIKILEAKS) URGENT DISPATCH:
FRONT LINES / WAR ON CHRISTMAS

Am under heavy fire from Intercontinental Ballistic
Mistletoe. STOP

Fear the enemy has obtained Weapons of Midnight Mass
Destruction. STOP

*  *  *

Ah, the War on Christmas rages once more. ‘Tis the season.

Flairs up around this time each winter — a right-wing
holiday tradition that seems to bring more unintentional
cheer with each passing year.

I know it sounds naughty, but Fox News knows there’s money
to be made pitting gullible God-fearing Christians against
the hell-bound "Happy Holidays" crowd – exposing
the persecution of gingerbread men and the deforestation
of America’s Christmas trees.

Gretchen Carlson of "Fox and Friends" got the
memo from the Man Upstairs (no, not Him — Ailes). She trumpeted
this "crazy" (and sadly, false) story about a
Florida school banning red and green, and rolled some silly
tape. Soon after, Stephen Colbert lit her up like a holiday
tree — his
mocking well-hung by the chimney with care. (Blitzkreig
on Grinchitude)

The
Gretch also grilled some Tulsa antichrist for sodomizing
Christmas down in Oklahoma. In this "Daily
Show" clip, her prosecutorial zeal is comically
surreal — she’s on this guy like green on pine.

Christmas is supposed to be all Christian and non-materialistic
— a message Fox News Radio stooge John Gibson embraced
by cashing in with a "War on Christmas" book.
(The subtitle — "How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred
Christian Holiday is Worse Than You Thought" – suggests
the man is not hauling a full sack of presents.)

But this year’s Sergeant Shultz and Colonel Klink in the
War on Christmas have to be GOP Sens. Jon Kyl and Jim DeMint.
Kyl accused Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of "disrespecting
one of the two holiest of holidays for Christians."
DeMint chimed in with more phony piety — calling Democratic
efforts to do the people’s business in the two weeks around
Christmas "sacrilegious."

The
two were slapped around by many, including Brig. Gen. John
Adams, who pointed out: "We have one-hundred-and-fifty-thousand
U.S. warriors doing their job over Christmas and the New
Year, the U.S. Senate should do its job." "Morning
Joe" Scarborough nailed ’em too — calling their criticisms
of the Senate leader "un-Christlike."

Jiminy Christmas — how stupid do these disingenuous GOP-holes
think the American people are? I suppose their excuse is
they’re just playing to their constituents in the Jingle
Belt. Poor saps. All they were doing was angling for a new
way to screw Obama — surely they didn’t mean to deploy
Jesus as a political weapon.

Must be vigilant for crude, homemade tannen-bombs. STOP

*  *  *

Santa wounded in War on Christmas

Brett Favre paralyzed, comatose — ready to play!

Tweet
nothings

"I just tweet; that’s just the way I
roll."

Not exactly Descartes ("I tweet therefore
I am"), but that’s about as profound as it gets with
Sarah Palin.

In that economical 40-character, spoken-word
quote to The
New York Times Magazine, she summed up her mavericky
strategy for using Twitter (335,000 followers) and Facebook
(2.5 million followers) to bypass the lamestream media and
deliver barely coherent, agenda-driven rhetoric directly to
the people.

Whether she’s scolding Obama, threatening to
sue the media or literally targeting political enemies with
actual rifle sights, Sarah Palin is revolutionizing political
communication with her unique brand of (anti)social networking.

That controversial tax-cuts compromise you’ve
been hearing about? Palin used Twitter
to share her "views" on the deal: "Tweety tweety
tweety tweet," tweeted Palin, adding, "Tweedle-dee."

Think that sounds silly or confusing? Here’s
the actual text: "Obviously Obama is so very, very wrong
on the economy & spins GOP tax cut goals; so fiscal conservatives:
we expect you to fight for us &…"

I suppose I could ramble on about the genius
of climaxing her missive with the ampersand-elipsis cliffhanger,"
but these decipherers parse the above befuddler far better
than I ever could. (Jennifer
Rubin, Washington Post  / 
Jason
Easley, PoliticusUSA)

Yes, her every tweet is red meat for one camp
or another. And she has mastered the art of deploying Facebook
as a political weapon. Her infamous (Aug. 7, 2009) "death
panels" post is some stone-cold Willie Horton
thuggery. You thought Obama "palling around with terrorists"
was bad-ass…

"The
America I know and love is not one in which my parents or
my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of
Obama’s "death panel" so his bureaucrats can decide
… whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system
is downright evil."

Her invention of the fictitious "death
panel" to bludgeon the "evil" Obama is now
legendary. She reportedly softened the post from an earlier
draft in which she planned to accuse Obama of smothering the
elderly with government-issued pillows.

(Typical follower’s reaction: Wow, Sarah —
that’s really unbelievable. Thanks for spreading the word
about how Obama’s trying to destroy America.)

Could Palin actually tweet her way to the presidency?
Eleven characters: You betcha.

Hey, if only he’d had the technology, Abraham
Lincoln might be best remembered for his Gettysburg …
Tweet? Picture Franklin D. Roosevelt — inspiring America
with his fireside tweets. Or @JFK: Tweet not what your country
can do for you…

Caution: Don’t be being fooled by the many fake
Palin Twitter accounts (@ObamaSlayer2012, @ImpeachKenyaPrez).
For the uninitiated, it can be difficult to tell an authentic
Palin-penned Tweet (example: "Don’t Retreat, Instead
— RELOAD!") from a bogus one ("SHOOT a godless
liberal congressman TODAY!").

So remember: A tweet accusing President Obama
of drinking blood from the skulls of unborn illegal aliens
is only legit if it comes from Sarah’s official feed — @SarahPalinUSA.

Finally, I want to go on record being the first to predict that – sometime in early 2011 – Palin will attempt to deflect criticism from one of her ridiculous 140-character policy statements or slams by claiming she was “mistweeted” by the lamestream media.

Kate Gosselin survived her showdown with a
heavily armed Palin by cutting short their rain-soaked camping
adventure, gathering up her litter of eight and high-tailing
it back to the Lower 48.

In a bears-and-bullets story line intended
to contrast Palin’s boasty ruggedness with Gosselin’s gun-shy
wussiness, Yosemite Sarah squeezed off shotgun blasts with
near-cartoonish vigor. This week’s excuse for Palin to demonstrate
her Second Amendment prowess was a course in bear safety
(her contract requires that at least one hail of gunfire
per episode).

Last Sunday, under the pretense of filling
the freezer for her hungry family, (Operation:
Reindeer Slay) she went on a $2.4 million (or whatever)
caribou safari. After several entertaining misfires, she
"bagged an animal" — scoring some sweet, free-range
caribou meat that the Alaska
Dispatch estimated cost $200 a pound.

Hyped as a must-see, reality TV Kodiak moment,
the Mama Grizzly drama fizzled when — after a riveting
exchange of horrified grimaces and OMG eye-rolls — Gosselin
bailed on Palin, having endured as much as she could bear.

(Safety tip: If you encounter a Palin in the
wild, remain calm and slowly back away while reciting the
Pledge of Allegiance.)

RELATED LINKS:
Jimmy
Kimmel’s heavily armed "Palins vs. Gossselins"
spoof video (photo above)

Gunnin’
for the White House

When reality TV superstar Sarah Palin knocked
off a caribou for the cameras, the rifle shot reverberated
across the Republican Party’s presidential short list.

Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty reportedly scrambled
outside to blast a deer, Newt Gingrich boasted of gunning
down an illegal alien and former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee
spanked a monkey.

Mitt
Romney had to be talked out of renting a tank and former
Vice President Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face for old
times’ sake.

The quadrennial
ritual of presidential wannabes taking up arms (and
donning brand-new blaze orange) is a transparently choreographed
salute to the Second Amendment and the NRA — a
big game that promises to be even more cartoonish
in Election 2012 as Palin’s caribou kill shot echoes from
Alaska to Iowa.

By busting a cap into that reindeer’s face,
Palin fired a warning shot aimed at a certain confused pack
of elephants — she is the hunter and they are the prey.
Reload!

RELATED STORIES:
Aaron
Sorkin: Palin’s a ‘phony’ Elmer Fudd (Huffington Post)
CSI:
Alaska — was it fake? (Daily Kos)

Alexandra
Petri ‘unimpressed’ at Grizzly spectacle (Washington Post)
OLDIES: Cheney
slays 12 in 21-gun salute  /  Cheney
accidentally detonates nuclear weapon

FAKE ADS:
For
Christmas: Sarah Palin video game — "Gall of Duty"
Sarah
Palin’s In-Your-Face Cream   (* for Ultra-Thin Skin)

Palin presidential
poster design leaked

Cyber-blabbermouth Julian Assange is threatening
more leaks — sources say he’s poised to dish shocking secrets
about Sarah Palin’s presidential plans, Hamid Karzai’s
opium addiction and Lindsay Lohan’s nuclear readiness.

Now in custody, the WikiLeaks provocateur
claims to possess a "poison pill" cache of documents
jampacked with juicy geopolitical trash talk and government
skullduggery.

Assange said associates are under orders to
detonate the dirt bomb if he is held against his will, poisoned
by a shadowy figure in a trenchcoat or shipped to Guantanamo
for waterboarding.

What’s in the next WikiLeaks leak?
(advance leak excerpts leaked to The Daily Palin)
— Location of Kim Jong-il’s swanky underground sex bunker

— Birth certificate for Glenn Beck/Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
love child
— Blueprints for a terror mosque to be built near the Statue
of liberty
— Internal Fox News documents instructing commentators
to use the following terms when talking about President
Obama:
"communist, facist, racist, elitist, egotist, czarist,
Muslim extremist, radical Islamist, militant leftist, socialist,
antisocialist, anarchist, Leninist, Stalinist, Marxist,
Maoist, Hitlerist, Idi Amin-ist, Darwinist, Confucianist,
jack-bootist, pro-abortionist, brown supremacist."
— Test designs for "Palin 2012" presidential
posters

Other shocking secrets
at risk of being revealed:
— The Tea Party movement still hasn’t figured out it’s
being exploited by the corporate-owned GOP.
— Internal GOP talking points confirm #1 goal is "destroying
Obama," wrecking middle class is "collateral damage."
— Congressional Republicans favor trickle-down economics
because their share of the trickle is a Category 5 cash
tsunami.

RELATED STORIES:
Alexandra
Petri: WikiLeaks has goods on ‘Mother Teresa’ (Washington
Post)

McCain ‘assumes maverick position’ on gays in military

Sen.
John McCain’s hypocritical, political, ever-changing excuses
for blocking repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell inspired this
Letterman-style Top 11 list