A
tip of the hat to Arafat

By John Breneman

Yasser Arafat is dead, but his legacy as a world leader in
stylish headgear lives on.

As his followers mourn by firing bullets into the air and
hoping they don’t pierce too many skulls on the way down,
geopolitical haberdashery analysts agree that Arafat’s monumental
contributions to hatwear will be remembered long after the
pesky Israeli-Palestinian conflict is resolved.

"Not
since Abe Lincoln and his legendary stovepipe tophat has one
man had such a profound impact on the history of headgear,"
said Richard "Cappy" Stetson, chairman of the prestigious
Fedora Institute. "Castro, Bush, Hamid Karzai over in
Afghanistan… These guys all wear hats from time to time,
but nobody can touch Arafat. I once saw him craft an exquisite,
Allah-approved turban out of a discarded Wal-Mart bag."

Now that Arafat, a 12-time winner of the United Nations’
coveted "Best Hat" award, no longer sports a living
head on which to display his famous checkered tablecloth,
it is believed that other world leaders are eager to fill
the void.

A
spokesman for Pope John Paul said the pontiff has privately
admitted he would love to cap his distinguished career with
the U.N. hat prize but understands the competition is intense,
with Fidel Castro reportedly working on a drab olive green
number that his valet says "combines the flair of the
Blues Brothers with the timeless barbarism of Idi Amin."

Chinese
President Jiang Zemin has been spotted in a tri-cornered Colonial-era
number that is said to be black with gold trim. he C.I.A.
has picked up some "chatter" indicating that Osama
bin Laden has been experimenting with a jaunty straw hat.
And the Iranians are said to be developing a baseball cap
composed entirely of enriched uranium.

President Bush, meanwhile, has publicly downplayed the post-Arafat
hat scenario. Aides say they are urging Bush to stick with
cowboy hats and fighter pilot helmets, but Bush is said to
prefer a red, white and blue dunce cap with a nifty propeller
on top.

President Bush ‘out,’ media ‘in’

as biggest thing to complain about in ’05

Following through on his pledge to heal the bitterly divided
nation, President Bush joined Sen. John Kerry today to introduce
a bipartisan national dialogue about the sorry state of "the
Media."

Republicans hold contempt for the elite liberal media as
exemplified by the New York Times, while Democrats blast organizations
like Fox News for brainwashing gullible viewers with right-wing
propaganda.

And polls show growing disgust over the Media’s failure to
provide the citizenry with the complete, unbiased information
it needs to make decisions vital to our democracy.

In fact, many are now blaming the Media for failing to prevent
the war in Iraq by more vigorously questioning the president
and his men about the phony weapons of mass destruction and
the dishonest effort to link Saddam Hussein and Osama bin
Laden.

The Media could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous
source close to the media said Howard Fineman will be covering
the story in this week’s Newsweek, then pontificating about
it on Crossfire, Hardball, The O’Reilly Factor and Imus in
the Morning.

Incredible Hulk endorses
Dean
By John Breneman

Howard
Dean reached out to voters throughout New Hampshire today,
building on his newfound status as the first major presidential
candidate to emit an unnerving squeal on the campaign trail.

A
senior adviser said the screech that punctuated Dean’s aggressive
concession speech in Iowa on Monday night was actually a calculated
effort to demonstrate that "George W. Bush isn’t the
only guy in this race who’s a little loco." The spokesman
also denied a rumor that Dean was "jacked up on angel
dust" for the speech or that Rush Limbaugh had slipped
him an OxyContin mickey.

Though it frightened small children and made dogs whimper
and cover their ears, Dean’s speech won him the support of
the bipartisan Primal Scream Foundation, as well as an influential
union endorsement from Local #257 of the Brotherhood of Ornery
Orators.

The
group’s president said, "This race is about calling attention
to the Bush Administration’s mishandling of the war, education
reform and the economy. Howard Dean is the only candidate
with the political courage to deliver that message by rolling
up his sleeves, squinching up his eyes and squealing like
a banshee."

With the Jan. 27 New Hampshire primary looming, Dean also
received celebrity endorsements today from Macaulay Culkin,
Ned Beatty and the Incredible Hulk. But John Kerry has taken
a small lead in the polls and today received the coveted endorsement
of the Heinz Ketchup company newsletter.

As with any ridiculous politically incorrect blooper, there
is plenty of spin.

Republican strategists charge that Dean’s "meltdown"
is just further evidence that he is possessed by "liberal,
tax-and-spend evil spirits."

A source close to Dean countered that the "high-spirited"
speech proves the candidate is not just pandering to the temperate,
thou-shalt-not-scream-and-shout wing of the Democratic Party."

Dr. Judith Steinberg Dean declined to comment other than
to say she had prescribed a mild sedative.

1-22-04

Bill O’Reilly

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — Your image as a bombastic
crusader for morality may be harmed by an underling who rejects
your crude romantic advances. Don’t let sexual misconduct
and blatant hypocrisy dissuade you from spouting phony platitudes
about family values. A substantial cash payoff should convince
her to shut up.

Kerry
takes aim at gun-toter voters

By John Breneman

Eager to prove he’s a macho regular guy, John Kerry went
hunting over the weekend and bagged a terrorist.

Clad in a $1.4 million L.L. Bean flak jacket and brandishing
a borrowed 12-gauge shotgun, Kerry emerged from an Ohio cornfield
flashing a bloody thumbs-up and reporting, "Everybody
got one."

An aide said Kerry planned to have his terrorist stuffed
and mounted in his den on Boston’s Beacon Hill.

President Bush chided Kerry for posing as a phony terrorist
hunter and announced plans for a pre-election safari in Iraq,
during which he planned to blast at least five or six "freedom
haters."

Several pundits drew comparisons between Kerry’s high-profile
hunting expedition and President Bush’s decision to dress
up in a nifty Navy flightsuit for his infamous "Mission
Accomplished" moment, though some argued that Bush’s
phony photo-op was at least 10 times phonier and more distasteful
than Kerry’s.

In related news, the news media is trumpeting a possible
celebrity death match between Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger
as both camps fire up their attack machines for a final week
of pounding each other’s integrity in the battleground states.

John Kerry
SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21) — Excessive wordiness may distract
people from fully understanding your mixed messages. Future
job prospects may hinge on your ability to expose a well-liked
adversary’s pathological dishonesty. Be decisive.

George W. Bush
CANCER
(June 21-July 22) — Refuse to let facts and common sense
intrude on your vision of what is right. Affecting a tough
persona helps you compensate for feelings of intellectual
inadequacy. Don’t be distracted by rising death tolls. Stay
the course.

See
more Horoscopes

President Bush endorsed by stem cell group

By
John Breneman

President Bush won a key endorsement today from the International
Brotherhood of Stem Cells (IBSC).

A spokesman for the feisty building blocks of life said they
feel safer under Bush, who has pledged to defend their right
to maybe someday become a life, than under Sen. Kerry, who
has made no secret of his diabolical plan to use them for
medical research.

The president and his challenger differ sharply on undifferentiated
embryonic cells, which political scientists say may hold the
secret to curing spinal cord injuries and major diseases.

The IBSC released the following statement:

"Though certain liberal elements of our membership believe
we ought to sacrifice a few potential lives for the good of
mankind, the majority of us agree we must look out for numero
uno."

"John Kerry wants to sacrifice us for medical research,
but where was he when the time came to give HIS stem cells
for the cause? And Christopher Reeves, may he rest in peace,
was not the boss of us."

Fall foliage Q&A with Dr. Leif Mann

By
John Breneman

Everyone knows that the autumn foliage in New England is
the finest in the world. But there is much about this annual
cornucopia of color that we do not know. Therefore, I have
decided to direct some reader questions to the Humor Gazette’s
resident foliage expert, Dr. Leif Mann.

Question: Where should I go to see the peak foliage?

— Bud Smith, Exeter

Answer: The most glorious foliage in all the world
can be seen in a quaint Maine hamlet called Carotene Falls.
Unfortunately, you can’t get there from here.

Question: If there is too much foliage in my yard,
should I use a defoliant?
— Biff Dupont, New Castle

Answer: Uh, no. A defoliant is a chemical that strips
growing plants of their leaves. Believe it or not, if you
just wait a bit the leaves will fall off the trees by themselves.

Question: My trees are still kind of green. Should
I consider paying a college kid to come and spray-paint them?

— Sherwin Williams, Portsmouth

Answer: No. I have found that it’s best to hire an
experienced painting contractor if you want the job done right.

Question: Where do the presidential candidates stand
on foliage?
— Joe Voder, Dixville Notch

Answer: John Kerry was ranked the 5th-most pro-foliage
legislator in the U.S. Congress. George W. Bush believes we
can stop unwanted foliage by increasing the amount of toxic
emissions in the environment.

Question: Why are the trees so pretty in the fall?

— Jenny, age 4

Answer: Well you see Jenny, leaves contain some green
stuff called chlorophyll. But the cold weather breaks down
the chlorophyll in most deciduous plant life forms. When that
happens, other pigments contained in the leaves (xanthophyll,
yellow; caretenoids, orange-red; anthocyanins, red and purple)
come shining through.

Question: Oh, why are there no blue leaves?
— Jenny, age 4

Answer: Uhhh. Because.

Question: How can I protect my children from seeing
foliage on the Internet?
— Jenny’s mom

Answer: Of course it is best to shield your child
from all external stimuli, but that is not always possible.
Instead, you might consider raking up a big pile of leaves,
starting a bonfire, and throwing your computer into the center
of the flames.

Question: Who makes all the oxygen for humans to breathe?

— Mikey, age 5

Answer: Plants and trees.

Question: Why are humans destroying the rain forests?
— Mikey, age 5

Answer: Too much oxygen.

Question: How has the fluctuating stock market affecting
the international market for foliage-related goods and services
(cameras and binoculars, bus tours, T-shirts, petroleum products,
etc.)?
— A. Greenspan, Washington

Answer: Let’s just say that black market "Genuine
Maine Leaf Peeper" T-shirts are raking in quite a few
million yen in North Conwei, Japan.

Question: Are travel agents authorized to arrange
obscenely expensive leaf-peeping excursions for wealthy tourists?

— Arthur Mulch, York Harbor

Answer: Yes, my sources in the industry tell me that
a Hampton travel agent is now offering a seven-day, seven-night
"Leaf Safari" package that starts with a champagne-and-hot-tub
limousine ride to the White Mountains. There, the group will
be flown to scenic Moosehead Lake aboard the S.S. Equinox,
a luxury dirigible that serves braised lobster and offers
unparalleled autumn vistas from the air. Tour organizers also
have arranged for a partial eclipse of the sun to create a
spectacular once-in-a-lifetime visual foliage extravaganza.

Question: What can we, as humans, learn from the humble
leaf?
— Kofi Annan, United Nations

Answer: Well, if we humans could all develop the ability
to produce our own nourishment using the miracle of photosynthesis,
why we could solve world hunger and increase our disposal
income without triggering a windfall profits tax.

Question: Do leaves go to Heaven?
— Jenny, age 4

Answer: Yes.

Humor Gazette columnist John Breneman has given up red
meat in favor of photosynthesis.